Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Archive for the category “Fitness”

April: I Was Here.

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(Aren’t drama masks creepy?) 

Good morning!

‘Theatre is a lifestyle’ is not an exaggeration. My sister summed it up beautifully, painfully, and accurately….. *smile*

This month has seen the first big musical production at my new school. Production staff was fabulous to work with, the kids have been positive and have grown even from just a few months before, and the families have been so supportive. Now that it’s over, we’re all exhausted, happy, and proud. A good combination, I think.

My own parents were also able to make the show, which was my favorite part. And they came to the show that far-exceeded any of the others. Which makes the time and the sharing all the sweeter. Pluuuuus, the show was being recorded that same night – something that never happens!

This morning, I actually slept in a bit. Luxurious!

And now, I am about to get ready to go in one more time to run Strike – when everything gets taken apart, cleaned, organized, and put away. My favorite day actually…. Because it takes us back to zero, and that is the place where the next show will start from…. I love it. So cathartic and healing and satisfying. And beautiful in the promise of the unknown and the daydreams and the what if’s….

Still here, still sober, folks. Two loooooong weeks away from my fam, but in actuality? The demand seemed better-balanced and shorter in duration than it has in the past. When I dug in two weeks ago, I could visualize the ending, and knew it wouldn’t be too bad. Plus, lots of podcasts to keep me busy while I worked kept me happy, and the nutritious lunches I ate at school (fact, not facetious) kept me better fueled and even-keeled than I usually am eating gas station snacks and coffee. *smile*

Day 691, What’s up next?!

 

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15 Miles to the Looooooooove Shack!

 

And a funky little shack it is. Full of all kinds of knick-knacks and doo-dads, and some old smelly piles of who-knows-what? Isn’t Sobriety wonderful? *smile*

It’s only been a month since my life screeched to a halt, and I am really surprised by where I am now. First, my Daddio is recovering well. I’m looking forward to spending time with him and my mom over Thanksgiving. Then, my slight med boost (Monster #2 = Bipolar) has really smoothed out my anxiety, mood-swings, and tension. I take my meds before bed, so in the mornings on my drive to work, it feels like the meds start swimming through my brain in order to prepare me for a calm, even-keeled day (mostly – I am a high school teacher after all). Time with the hubs and with the babes seems more centered and more connected. And? Most surprising news of all for me is I am turning into a runner!

This week, I set myself the goal of running 15 miles (approx 2-3.5 miles per run), and? Mission accomplished! 15.75 miles to be exact. I am feeling good. Strong. More confident. A little bonier (which is nice). The hubs and I (again, mostly) changed our diets a few weeks ago so that we would be eating more Real food – fish, chicken, rice, lots of veggies, etc. I’m finding I am feeling less snacky, more full, and just more nourished – if that is actually a feeling a person can have. And? Bonus: I think it is helping me lose some more of my marshmallow fluff. Oh, and I hadn’t considered it until I began to write, but the food change has possibly contributed to the mood shift and overall feeling of contentment as well. Hoo-rah.

Oh, and the other connection to ’15’ is that I am 15 days away from KOing my next sobriety goal of 180 days. As I was telling Riding on Empty the other day, I will have to trick myself to keep going with sobriety by setting the next 180-day challenge as soon as the first one is up. It’s kind of nice, though, because I think I m going to do a short-term goal of hitting the Winter Solstice first, and then creating a natural goal of getting to the Summer Solstice after that. A short-term goal after these big-number hills will be a nice change of pace, especially around the holidays. Then, it’s off to the races again!

Day 165, Knock a little louder, Sugar.

 

A Sunday Reclamation.

armstrong-moon-flag

Houston, there is no problem.

Well, hello, again. This is just a quick post tonight to check-in. It’s been a good weekend. And truthfully? I am just feeling more whole and more balanced.

Yesterday, I spent a great amount of time in the morning reading many of the sober blogs I follow, and writing. It felt good to catch-up.

Then, off to an adventure with the babes, and then to the in-laws for a much-needed dinner. When I’m in rehearsal, I miss the daily check-ins and hang-out time with them, so that was grand and wonderful.

Oh, to top it off, the hubs and I had a bit of a date once the babes went to sleep, so that was love-ily, too.

Today, we had incredible weather. Play-outside-with-no-jacket-on-Nice. So? We took the babes to our usual bookstore for a quick treat, then off to a playpark nearby. They had the best time running and climbing and sliding and playing. Gah. So nice to be outside at this time of year. So lucky! It was love-ily to share with them. Plus, I love watching the hubs when he plays with them, too. He is so good at playing. Truly. It makes me fall in love with him even more every time I see him play with our two monsters like that. Love it.

Then, when we got home, my first order of business was to reclaim the living room! And our house, in general. For those who don’t know, we have a 3- and a 4-year old, respectively. And less respectively, they drive me crazy with how much stuff they accumulate! I don’t know why, but I have never been very sentimental with ‘stuff.’ In my 20s, I loved to move because it meant I would end up gutting my collection down to a reasonable amount again. Well, the man I mentioned above happens to have the opposite sentiment to things, particularly collecting. (Ugh!) And my children, well, everything is a dearly beloved treasure, so needless to say, things pile up quickly.

So today? I took over. I put away a ton of stuff into these huge bins, and promised the babes that I wasn’t going to throw anything away (I wasn’t lying). However, I did put them in our attic in hopes that they will be forgotten, at which point in the future, I will then be able to toss the whole lot. We’ll see.

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Then, this afternoon, instead of attending my weekly AA meeting, I decided to enjoy the weather and go for a jog while listening to The Bubble Hour. I really think it was the best decision ever. I feel like I made it to a meeting, because of the podcast, and I also feel happier in my bod because of the exercise. Win-Win.

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And now, here I sit, smelling some love-ily smells, as I take some time to make dinner, as well as lunch/dinner for tomorrow.

What a brilliant weekend!

Day 159, I just feel happy. …. In which case, I will share my happiness with all of you and leave this yummy stake-your-claim-style-doughnut here for you each to try…. *smile*

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Si, Si, Senora!

It’s been a good week.

A stress-filled week.

But a good week.

I got rolling pretty quickly downhill on Monday into a stressball, as we say in our house. So? After a day of running around, teaching, organizing, designing a brochure, prepping the set design for the next show, as well as prepping for auditions, I was Done.

And do you know? A cool thing happened….

I did not have the urge to drink. (Wa-hoo!)

Nope.

I had the urge to scream and cry a little,

I ran - like the wind!

so instead of actually doing either of those things….

I ran.

Like the wind.

Seriously. I ran So fast on Monday. Usually I hover around 6 mph doing intervals, and Monday, I cranked up the treadmill to 6.5 mph for almost all of the intervals, and then even hit 7 mph for the last one. Man, did it feel good! And such a healthier way to deal with stress than drinking it away.

Then, the rest of the week went by in a bit of a blur. Classes, auditions, show stuff, cramming in time to run 4 out of 5 days…. But it was good. By Friday, I was ready for the weekend! The cast and crew lists were posted, and it was time to par-tay! And by ‘par-tay,’ I mean go home to the babes, drink a bunch of glasses of iced tea, enjoy dinner with my fam, and then read sober blogs and Mindy Kaling’s first book before I fell asleep. Party on, Wayne.

It’s been a good weekend.

Yesterday, I had time with my girlfriends for our brunch & book club. We sooooort of screen-shot-2013-02-01-at-1-46-09-pmdiscussed Neil Gaiman’s The Ocean at the End of the Lane, which as my girlfriend says, “Breaks your heart twice in the first chapter.” SO incredible and well-written. I’m a huge Gaiman fan – HUGE – and have personally decided this is the book he has been trying to write for his whole writing career. It is beautiful and poetic and core-shakingly brilliant. Truly stunning. … And the time we spent discussing it? Oh, about 10 minutes. *smile* The rest of the time was spent on some much-needed catching up. Wonderful!

Then, last night, the hubs and I were Clark-Gable-Peter-Warne-It-Happened-One-Night able to enjoy a bit of a date-night as our babes fell asleep pretty quickly. I was in the mood for a romantic comedy (because Mindy Kaling mentions the genre more than once in her book that I had been reading – Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns). As I was picking through our collection, it was (re)discovered that the hubs had never seen the classic, hilarious, and wonderful movie It Happened One Night, starring Claudette Colbert and Clark Gable, directed by Frank Capra, and written by Robert Riskin. Oh, my goodness! I forgot how much I love this movie! So funny, and so sweet. I mean, look at this still from the movie – that look! Doesn’t it make you melt? And the love-ily thing is that Colbert has more than one moment of that sweet look as well. Gah. Love it.

So now, today, in about thirty minutes, imgresthe hubs and I are headed to another date out. Wow! We are so full of awesomeness and together-time this weekend! … And I can’t wait because we are seeing The Martian. I am not usually one to have the quick instinct that “I have to see that!” But with this one? The first time I saw the movie trailer, that was the thought I had. I’m so excited, and am perhaps looking forward equally towards the movie itself, as well as the popcorn and/or candy that will accompany said movie. Hee. Yum and Yay!

Okay, and? Now for the last good thing on my current list (there are so many today – so cool)… I was kind of losing track of my sober days, what with all that has been going on at work, and then on Thursday, I realized I was pretty close to 150/5 months. I checked in on line for a minute, and tuh-dah! Sober Day 150 was on Friday. Huge achievement! And my official 5-month happens tomorrow. So great! Now I am just 30 days away from my 180-day challenge finish, as well as edging up on that Winter Solstice/Solstice-to-Solstice Challenge. As I like to say, Woot-to-the-Oot, People!

So, here I was basking in the goodness of sobriety and achievement and not really feeling the worse for wear (as opposed to the time around the 100-marker), and was thinking I might splurge on a little Aveda perfume, because it’s waaaaaaaay cheaper than the perfumes I am in love with. Giorgio-Armani-SiI mentioned it to the hubs yesterday, and do you know? That man came home in the afternoon with a 5- and 6-month combo celebratory present for me. Gah. So sweet. And so deliciously amazing! As you can see here, it was a hunormous bottle of Armani’s Si perfume, plus a little gift set for buying the biggest bottle (Score!). So now, I am about to get ready for the date mentioned above, and then wear my new, yummy, wonderful perfume. Plus? Cate Blanchett is the spokesperson! I didn’t even know that until I looked up images this morning, and now I am more in love with my perfume than ever. Way to go manipulative advertising machine. You got me!

And with that? I must run. Time to get ready for my date! Ooooooh! We might even kiss! Gross.

Okay, love you. G’bye!

Day 152, Oh, look at that – the Pink Cloud has returned with a sky FULL of identical friends.

 

Some (Good) News.

Wow. Okay. First, thank you, all, for your kindness and understanding to my last post. So grateful to share things I’ve been carrying for so long in a safe space. Grateful and overwhelmed by each of you. More thought and contemplation will be given to Death in posts to come, but for now, I will take a reprieve and fill you in on a couple of good developments in the immediate Here and Now.

First, I’ve been exercising much more regularly in the past month. I caught back up to my Couch-to-5K routine, and then I took matters into my own hands. I have not yet jogged a 5K straight through, however I have run (I’m actually running now)-walked 4 5Ks in the past week and a half. On my own. In training. It feels really good, even when my anxiety and dread is building and I don’t want to exercise, but then I put on my clothes and don’t give myself a choice. I’m such a jerk.

Second, and more importantly, and goodly, and love-ily…. I’ve shared my blog with my immediate family and best friend. *bandageripped!* Yow. With yesterday’s post, I realized it was time. If I’m going to sink into my history – all of it good, bad, magical, and less-magical – then I need to be able to talk about it all with the people I love most. It has done lots of good sharing with the hubs, so I know there are benefits to the scary vulnerability of it all. I’m feeling optimistic and looking forward to what comes of it.

Third, there is no third, except I think ‘one of my people’ is reading right this very minute, so I’m trying to get this post up before they hit the ‘end’ that was yesterday. (‘Hi’ to whichever one of you it is. I’m so glad you’re here.* Even if it freaks me out a little. I’m sure it freaks you out a little, too. So? We’re even. *smile*)

Day 106, Doo-‘n-Do-Do. (Name that song.)

#Poundage.

I have to tell you my confidence is way up. The bloating has almost completely gone away – particularly from my belly and face. I am wearing fun clothes, and taking time in the mornings to do my make-up, and just ‘get ready.’ The new treats from the past couple of months are being worn and/or used frequently. And I just feel good about me.

The coolest thing? I am more confident when speaking with people. ….I always was confident, but now I am grounded. I’m not afraid to ask for thing – I know the answer might be ‘no’ – and whatever happens, happens.

In numbers, I’ve lost about 10 pounds total. Am still high on the scale, but for right now? I think this number here is Awesome. Yesterday this number ran 2 miles and didn’t get winded. This number is all kinds of wonderful.

Day 85, oh, Hello, Self.*

Fridaying.

Hello, all. Happy Friday to you. Just a check-in with a few tiddlybits.

Checked-in with my therapist (hi) yesterday. Good work. Set some very simple goals of monitoring my temper and trying for some small successes in how I unleash it. Glad because the sobriety and the mood stabilization are such huge endeavors at the moment, that adding to my ‘to-do’ list would seem overwhelming at this stage in the game.

Same goes with the hubs’ goal of losing some weight. (He brought up last week we should do a pseudo-Biggest Loser challenge and base it on our own percentages lost in comparison to one another.) I definitely want to, and I am making some healthy additions to my life (daily exercise, more fruits & vegs), but I am not trying to lose any weight right now. It’s just a little too much to put on this woman’s plate.

Sobriety & Mental Health are definitely enough in and of themselves right now. *smile*

… So, in terms of ‘Fridaying’ it, I finally went out with some of my cast members last night after rehearsal. We went to a yummy neighborhood bar (my real first sober venture into the World o’ Alcohol), and it was a success! I splurged and had two NA beers and some yum-o wings. One of my actors asked if I was prego, but I just blamed it on the meds as had been my plan all along. I ended up getting home around 11:30 pm, which pushed my med routine back considerably. I ended up sleeping in until 9 am, which was love-ily, but also threw the rest of today into a relaxed-not-going-to-do-much kind of a day.

And do you know? That is juuuuust fine with me.  Small (gentle) steps, grasshopper…

Checked in with my psychiatrist today. All is going well and it’s full-steam ahead before another check-up in three months. A good sign.

Instead of naps today, the babes and I curled up in our basement and watched Despicable Me, which was nice. And now, just did a mini-ab-workout, and am about to gett ready for a show tonight. Perfect. Not a lot, but just enough not to feel like I didn’t do aaaanything at all.

Alright, well. That’s it for now. I just wanted to check-in and reroute my digestive escapades from yesterday so that that particular post is not the first thing you all see when you see Me. Hee. *embarrassedblush* I hope you all have (or had) a love-ily Friday!

Day 39, TGI_.

Fluff ‘n Stuff.

A check-in mid-week….

Things are going good. Getting stuff done for the show opening which happens next week. Liking how things are coming together. A little panicky because I am strong-arming the costuming and I don’t really know how to pull it all together, but we’re in a good place considering we are a week out and not a day before opening. Today and tomorrow, I am looking forward to getting my hands dirty and painting and reupholstering and designing … I love the eclectic demands of theatre. I have to know (or learn) how to do everything. It’s so fun and challenging. … Ha. Yesterday, I turned a skirt into pants for the first time in my life. … As it was the first time, I also happened to attach one side right-side out to the other, which was inside-out. Fun times. Re-do! That is happening today as well. Hee.

Exercise is good. Adding in a kettle bell program every other day so that I’m not just jogging. I need more muscles! Rrrrrrr! (That’s me growling and flexing my currently non-existent muscles, p.s.)

Enjoying time with the babes this am. Having a friend join us for breakfast. The dishwasher still hasn’t been run and the house is a mess, but that’s okay. I will tidy up and call it good.

Sobriety-wise, I haven’t really had time to think about it too much. It’s going well. I still appreciate the fact it’s not an option to drink. It just isn’t, so I don’t. Am thinking I would like to return to the group I met last week, but I may have to miss it as my therapy appointment is the same time.

And lastly, feelings. … Nothing more than feelings…. I feel like I stepped into the Land of Oz when everything turns Technicolor. Every nuance of an emotion, every curve and dip and swing up is so vibrant in me. I know I vent my negatives here, but I have to vouch that my positives are just as colorful. It’s fascinating to experience these crazy impulses again after so long not feeling them …. Or, of so long having the grey-scale versions of them. Literally, fitting them into a box. Living with my emotions is far more interesting and fun, I have to say. And there are SO many of them. Ha.

Day 37, we’re not in Kansas anymore…

Ch-Ch-Changes…

Good morning.* So, it’s morning (ergo my salutation), the sun is shining, I’ve just had a run with only one extra walking bit thrown in, and my coffee is hot. *lesigh* C’est parfait. (p.s. As for yesterday’s grrr-fest, I told A Rewarding Life in a reply, I ended up just needing a nap. Oh, Monster….)

My bloggity post comes from a moment that happened to me and my daughter yesterday. She was swimming in her grandparents’ pool, where the day before, she had a traumatizing experience with a flying ant, which bit her sweet cheek twice and then held on for dear life while she tried to get it off. Poor girl. She had one large and one small welt, and needed to be cuddled for about fifteen minutes before she could bring herself to swim again. (I didn’t mind that part.) But for yesterday, the one experience with the ant meant she wouldn’t go to one side of the pool because ‘that’s where the flying ants are.’ She wanted something from that side of the pool, so I told her she could scare the bugs away, but she wouldn’t even try. Then I turned into the 4-year old and tried some tough-love, frustrated-mother, oh-my-gosh-I-don’t-want-to-be-the-woman-with-the-daughter-who-is-scared-of-every-little-thing kind of talk, which in all actuality just sounded angry and loud. I was so ridiculous (Have any of you noticed a theme here?), at one point, I walked to the far side of the pool and swatted the bugs away, looked across and said, ‘Okay. Now swim over here and get your squirt gun!’ My babe looks at me and says, ‘That just makes me more sad!’ And I say back, ‘Well, it just makes me more frustrated!’ She’s crying on the ladder, I’m huffy… I step away for a minute, walk back around to her, hold onto her at the edge and give her a kind pep talk. … The pep talk I should have given her from the very beginning. I told her how brave and full of courage she is. I told her she could do it, and that I didn’t want her to be scared of getting an owie when we know she will get better in a little bit. I told her I know she is a brave girl and strong. I told her I love her. And I told her I hoped she wouldn’t end up holding onto the ladder for the rest of the summer, because that wouldn’t be any fun at all. And do you know? She did it. Then, for the rest of the time in the pool, she would call to me and tell me how brave she is and strong. And it made me so happy and proud of her (and so irritated with myself that I took such a long way round to a solution).

So. What were the things I had power to change in that situation? … Primarily, and obviously, my reaction to my daughter’s fear and overactive imagination. My focus – caring for her concern before worrying about myself (i.e. the mother whose daughter won’t do something because Bugs). Approaching the situation with gentleness rather than frustration. And starting with gentleness. I definitely without-a-doubt made the situation worse by reacting so harshly at the beginning, which I then had to also mend rather than just giving her support from the beginning. … Gah. (Teeny Rant: I am such an actor, and I react to things so often before I actually think about a moment. A human characteristic I would like to trade-in for a better model… Drr.)

This little event got me thinking about sobriety, because my sobriety can sometimes feel like a 4-year old who is afraid of the idea of the unknown or who has a small understanding of what It is, but does not see or comprehend the scope or the entirety of the thing itself. Being the wonderful re-actor I am, (and I know my posts verify this), I am such a 4-year old. I’m quick to anger, fear, frustration, temper-tantrums, and whining. And so, what can I change? Or what do I do about those moments of quick-reaction?

First, I come here. I show up and write it down. I run off at the fingers (so to say) any- and everything I am thinking or feeling. I sit here in front of you love-ily folks and I temper-tantrum to innocents such as you are. This step alone is humongous. It feels so good to vent. And more so, to vent to someone/someoneS. Thank you for that.*

Next, I usually do something else. If I’m all worried and agonizing about sobriety and the crazy-amount-of-time it is going to last (i.e. Forever), then I put myself into a different situation and just stop thinking about it for awhile. I take a break. I put my energy into a place or activity in which I can make a difference, or accomplish something, and that feels really good. By the time I get back to thinking about Sobriety again, I’m usually over my anxiety and just tuck it away until it’s ready to come back and haunt me s’more.

Another tactic to these moods o’ mine is chocolate. I won’t lie. I have a little container of M&Ms, which I actually (without lying at all – swearsies!) am pretty good about. When I get tense or angry or itchy under my skin, I will reach in and eat them maybe 3-4 at a time. With each little taste, I wait to see if it does the trick. I actually haven’t needed too many, which is great. Yesterday was a ‘big’ day and I ended up eating maybe 20? Not so bad.

Chocolate doesn’t always magically fix the problem, so …. Afternoon naps with my babes is kind of my best, most awesome opportunity to treat myself gently. I have never been a nap person until sobriety. The hubs can fall asleep any and everywhere, and I would make fun of him for it when we were first dating because I just did not get it. Could not fathom why anyone would want to sleep during the day. … But now? It is my saving grace. I think I nap maybe 4 days a week now. (Thankfully I’m a teacher and have the summertime to nap.) And it is the Best. Thing. Ever. I wake-up and I feel like an entirely new person. Yesterday was one example of this. Such a difference!

Lastly, I try to anticipate the yucks coming in a day, and I get up and exercise. I’ve scheduled 30-45 minutes each morning before the hubs has to get out the door to work, which means I’m usually up around 5:50 am (another wonderful reason why the naps have been so successful lately), exercise until about 6:45, then come here and check-in with this beautiful bloggy world. I love the endorphins of exercising right away in my day. I love being outside (still working on Couch to 5K running program… made it to Week 6!), and I love the alone time I get. In my first couple of weeks, I listened every day to The Bubble Hour, but now I am back to my own personal favorite – This American Life. When I’m done, I walk into the house and know that I have already exercised for the day. Such a good feeling! And, hopefully, the moving and sweating is good for the rest of the day and will keep the crazy-monsters from showing up in my body for the rest of the day. … Doesn’t always work, but the first few hours are usually pretty good. Ha.

Okay, I lied. I’m not quite done. LastlyLastly, in my Sobriety, I have changed how I treat myself. That gentle voice I used with my daughter yesterday, is also how I am trying to talk to myself. As an awesome perfectionist and prover-to-the-world-that-I-am-the-most-super-human-of-super-human-beings-alive, my inner voice is pretty judgy-judgerson, i.e. fucking Mean, most of the time. I’m not good enough, or creative enough, or nice enough, or thoughtful enough, or…. Enough in any way, shape, or form. But that’s not true. And I know it’s not true, but the voice still shows up. A lot. … So, in sobriety? I have decided to be gentle with myself. I have lowered my expectations. Stuff doesn’t get done in a timely fashion. For example? The dishwasher has needed to be run for the past three days. Okay. Not beating myself up over it. I will get to it. Probably today. No big whoop. Not the end of the world. … Another example is that my cranky-butt-self tends to take itself out on my poor, supportive hubs. If we have a skirmish (of my own making), then I walk away and feel bad, but I don’t dwell on it. After a few minutes, or an hour, I tell him I am sorry, and I also own the crap-feeling that was going on in my body that made me lash out. Granted, it isn’t the best way to navigate every day – particularly for him and his well-being – but there’s honesty there. And it’s a little sticky and muddy right now and definitely not perfect, and that’s okay.

Wow. At the beginning of this, my thought was, ‘What the F am I going to write about today?!’ And now? I can’t seem to shut-up. … I’m done! I swear. … Ha. I swear a lot. Alright. So, soberitos, go out there and conquer! … But use soft voices. And be gentle. … Conquer Gently, friends. Ha. Yep, that’s the way.

Day 36, my weapon of choice is a soft, fluffy pillow…

A *** Monster Roller Coaster Ride

Hello & Good Morning.

The true title of this post is: ‘A Mother-Fuckin’ Monster Roller Coaster Ride,’ because? That is the way I am feeling right now. SO happy and SO with it and SO awesome at Life and then SO cranky and SO angry and SO volatile (especially with my babes)… What it really is is SO fucking frustrating. Gah.

How I feel at any given moment...

How I feel at any given moment…

I have to admit I’m doing a little more than just sobriety at the moment, as I am also seeing a shrink for the first time in ten years, and trying to come up with a med regimen to help balance my moods (Quick info: I’m bipolar and have suffered from some major depression these past 3-4 years… But I’m also an alcoholic, so trying to figure out which symptoms are representative of which condition… = A pain in my ass). So, yes. Back to the meds. I just upped my dosage two nights ago and it’s knocking me out much longer in the morning. I’ve snoozed past my alarm (i.e. slept an extra 2 hours both days), and yesterday, ended up scrapping my run, and today, ended up doing the run, but starting my day way-late. Added to my frustrations because by waking up late, I missed my chance to read blogs and do my ‘sober prep work’ for the day before the rest of my fam was awake. So, I have been holding onto my computer for the past hour, while my kids are trying to get my attention, which further complicates my guilt, but I am rather maniacally trying to do this whole blog-thing come hell or high water. Gah. and Grrr.

AndAnd. Talking with my therapist on Thursday, I’ve realized that my anger is still pretty bright and strong and quick to surface. Has anyone else experienced this in recovery? The nice thing is that it doesn’t last as long as it did when I was drinking, but it still shows up. Regularly. And I wish it didn’t. It makes me feel like a crappy mom and I hate that feeling. But, I also am worried about keeping up with the recovery and staying on top of it and keeping it at the forefront of my brain, because i worry if I don’t, I will think ‘I’ve got this,’ get all cocky, and then fuck it up. And I love my kids, but I also feel like they really ask me to put them before me. … That was asinine. Of course they ask me to do that. I’m their mom and they’re my kids, and they’re kids! I guess I am pretty bad/horrible/I suck at asking for my own time when I’m with them, so when I do ask for a little flexibility and a little me-time, they don’t know what that even means because I have never really done that before, and don’t do it. Ever.

Alright, on the positive end of this roller coaster, i.e. on the upside, the exercise is happening most days. (Yay C25K!) A little musho moment, the other day on a lunch date the hubs said, ‘I want you more now.’ And I thought he was starting his silly little competition thing where he says ‘I like you more,’ and I say ‘No, I like you more,’ etc. We’re nauseating. But then he clarified when I tried to respond in the usual way, and he said, ‘No. I like you more Now (that you’re not drinking), because you are more You.’ Gah. This man. I tell ya. He is amazing and sweet. And good and kind. I’m so lucky that he can see the changes in me and that he appreciates them and me (so much!).

The other nice thing was that the hubs stole the kids from me yesterday and made me stay home. He was missing them since I’ve been spending so much time with them during my summer break, so he got some 2-on-1 time himself, while I gardened! Ahhhhhhh! (Those are angels singing, bt-dubs.) It was heavenly (thus the angels). I stood outside and worked my ass off (and pulled some muscles), and it was wonderful. In fact, planning to go out in about five minutes to do the same thing today while the babes play in the yard and run through the sprinkler. Okay, I’m glad I waited to talk about the positives ’til the end. Outlook = Better. Thanks, blogopolitans.*

Day 26, wheeeeeeeee!

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