Oh, Those Monsters…..

They just keep showin’ up, don’t they? *smile* I guess they’re just a normal part – and will forever be a part – of being Human. You kick one of their asses, and then, whoop! Another ass appears. Wahwah.

This one, well, I’ve probably talked about it before, and it will probably not come as a shock to anyone really, as it’s so common. The Monster’s Name is Food. And moreso, how I attempt to reward myself with it. ….. I think it’s slowly crept into mindless behavior, particularly in the evening during ye ole witching hour…. The one I used to pacify with loads and loads of wine. That YOWH. Now (and for the past 3 years) it’s Food. In the grand scheme of things, not bad. Just substituting one addiction for another. …. Again.

As someone with an addictive personality, am I just sentenced to a life of perpetual realizations that now ‘this’ is the problem? I feel so silly. My brain keeps playing tricks on itself and I keep falling into the same trap again and again. What a nut.

‘How am I going to crack this nut?’ you ask. Welp, with a little bit of mindfulness and a lot of chutzpah. Here’s what’s been goin’ on in the kitchen (as it were)……

• I’ve been circling around healthy body and weight-loss communities for the past few months. (Change is slow. My brain has been considering the need/desire for a change for quite some time. No rush. It takes what it takes. No need to beat myself up about it. (Learned this from my therapist. She’s a rockstar.))
• Have had a few friends take the plunge into Noom over the past half year. Decided I would try it out for myself 2 weeks ago.
• Signed up for Noom and began the free-trial period. I started logging my weight daily, reading articles, and tracking my food.
• Right away, I noticed my food choices weren’t always that healthy, so started substituting healthier options. I also started taking my vitamins again (after 6 months off), so my body is feeling better.
• I replaced our broken treadmill with a second-hand elliptical, and have been on it a number of times these past two weeks.
• I got a little nervous about the money-commitment to Noom on Day 2 or 3, so went online and checked out some reviews. There are some pretty bad ones out there, which freaked me out, so I started paralleling my tracking on my FitBit as well, because it’s Free.
• I’ve told several people about my new foray into better choices.
• I found another community at halfsizeme.com, which has great podcasts and awesome assistance programs, to help with different roadblocks along the way to losing weight (that’s my first goal – to let go of some of this fluff). Their biggest push, though, is maintenance and understanding your body when it’s in maintenance. I really like the mentality and also the good-not-perfect approach. I can’t tell my sober friends enough times how much the verbiage echoes that of the sober journey. It’s all about being kind to yourself, recognizing your accomplishments however small, forgiving yourself for mistakes and moving forward. I feel like I already know the community because there are so many similarities to my sober journey.
• Today is my 2-weeks-in marker. I’ve logged every meal, even if I wasn’t proud of some of my choices. As an extrinsic reward, I am going to go to a fabric store with my daughter and pick out either a new pattern or a new cut of fabric. (I stopped going about 3 weeks ago as a measure to save money.) I’m very much looking forward to it, and think I could definitely do another two weeks from today. *smile*

How have I done so far?

Well, my biggest victory is not being afraid of the scale any more. It says what it says, and that feels like quite an accomplishment. I’ve fluctuated between 3 pounds this whole time, which is pretty cool. On the whole, I think I’m down 2 or 2.5 pounds. Woot. Like I said, my food choices are better for me, and I’ve tracked everything. (Wow.) And I’ve become mindful of eating for the most part. I don’t zone out and just eat whatever. Instead, I notice what it is I want, determine the portion size (as best I can), and then enjoy it …. And notice that I’m enjoying it.

Yah-hoo. Big things to me, even though they’re small.

Anyone else on this journey – either Sober? Eater? or SoberEater? *smile* I’m looking for company, as I am sure it is the SoberCommunity that helped me get sober…. Probably my biggest weapon is all of you. I’d love to walk another trail with you, if you’re up for it. *flex*

Day 1,524. Heya, Voltaire.

-HM.

 

Eyes Open.

My eyes are opening about a bunch of different things lately. First, I had a huge realization at work, in which my privilege – both being white and from a Christian background in the United States – had been clouding my vision about a certain matter. Things are moving there, and I’m glad I had the ‘aha’ moment, even if it felt embarrassingly (to me) late in the game.

And I have moments – moments which feel like eons/swathes of Time/months/years even – in my Life, in which I am walking around with my eyes closed to Myself. How and why do my body and brain do this to me? How can it happen every single time? It’s sort of funny, like, ‘Oh, body, you got me again!’ Cue studio audience laugh. And at the same time, so frustrating because I can’t see it sooner. Hrm. Does anyone else experience this kind of muckety-muck in this way?

First, the lesser realization, though still quite major, is that I am and have been Depressed….. Significantly Depressed since about November of last year. All of the crapola at work and my health just struck me down. I have been chugging along, and doing my Life, but nothing has felt good or right. Nothing makes me happy, which is awful to say…. And maybe not entirely true. There are definitely moments of happiness – like holding my niece for the first time, and getting to know her and her sweet nature and her awesome communication skills. Seriously. Brilliant baby. (Good job on that one, Sister.) But other things which are supposed to make me happy – time with my kids and family, sewing, theatre, baking, Summer Vacation for crying out loud!!! (I’m a teacher) – Nothing really filled my void. Lifted me up. Not all the way.

I feel like I am forever searching and searching for that thing to fill me up and make me feel good. …. Which tells me I am prone to looooonnnnnnnnnggggggg periods of Depression. Because when I’m good, I’m great. But those times feel rather like wee little windows of time. And especially in the perspective of this past year, the windows have all been shut. (How many metaphors can I use in one blog post, do you think? *smile*)

So, yep. Depression. Solid, sun-blocking Depression.

But? I’m not a quitter. Fuck that.

One good thing about a new med I am trying (to help me with the bi-polar, while also not making my heart condition worse), is that it doesn’t knock me out for days at a time. I have been getting up on the reg and exercising. In the past 3.5 weeks, I have exercised 22 times. Holy shit, who am I? *smile* That feels good, even when it doesn’t. And even though it doesn’t change my whole day necessarily, I feel good when I’m doing it, so good. I like that.

I’m also moving along at work and doing good things, even with my first above-mentioned realization. Administration feels supportive. I’m confident in my job. I Love my classroom time. I feel like a Good Teacher, which is one of the best feelings.

I gave up coffee in early July, which was necessary for my ol’ ticker. Going to see how things improve at my upcoming appointment this month. Fingers crossed, but not feeling Certain things will be better. TBD. … But that to say, it’s another thing I tackled despite the Depression.

I’m trying out my mantra on occasion, when I remember. “I’m okay.” It just popped into my head shortly after my last session with my therapist. She said I need something to combat the self-talk which is just knocking me backwards and down repeatedly, and it just popped up. It’s not like the ‘I’m fine’ thing we’ve almost all been programmed to say when someone asks us in the hallway or on the sidewalk, ‘How are you?’ Nope. It’s like I’m okay because I’m like other people. I’m okay and I don’t need to be Wonder Woman right now (even though I am enjoying herbal tea from my WW coffee mug at this mo). I’m okay and this work can wait a day. I’m okay and what I got done, I got done, what I didn’t, I didn’t. I’m okay to not have energy right now and just be with my babes and husband. …. There is this magical version of Me which calls out to me to be the best and be amazing and be incredible all of the time, which usually makes me shut down, call myself names, worry about all the other amazing women doing amazing things in their amazing lives, and just stop and not do anything – all while hating myself because I’m not doing anything right. Saying ‘I’m okay’ helps me remember there is probably someone else in the world with some piles of papers needing to go through, or dishes to be done. I’m okay. Seriously. I am. Right now. I’m okay. …. And that is so healing when I remember to use it. It’s a lovely pivot point to move from.

Last eyes-suddenly-open realization hit me last night around dinner time. Not sure why it took me a few years to see it. I was getting dinner ready and kind of kicking myself and reaching for that magical-wish-I-was version of myself (i.e. thin, in this particular instance) in my head, because of all the exercise I’ve been doing, but still am so Fluffy. Like a marshmallow. Just fluffy. And I can’t shed it. And as I was wishing and reaching for my 10th pre-meal bite of whatever it was I was making, it dawned on me that it was dinner time. Witching hour. My old drinking/stomping grounds. Familiar territory, in other words. All too familiar.

I saw myself reach for the food. I heard myself use the words ‘Treat’ and ‘I deserve.’ …. All in hopes of filling a hole.

What the fuck does that Hole want anyway, and why can’t I fill it up?

I do the work, or at least remind myself to get going and do the work. I chug along.

But now, I find I have a food addiction. Probably a minor one in comparison, but the same exact pattern and mindset. And it’s not even an addiction to a certain type of food. Nope. It’s just any and all food. And it’s all about deserving. And treating. And trying to make myself feel better.

Which is probably all wrapped up into this gigantic Depression-monster I have hovering around me. And perhaps as I work to lift that, the hole will feel smaller? Maybe? Question mark? Hopeful eyebrow-raise.

I have a feeling it all has to do with balance and decreasing the pressure and hate for myself. ….. That felt awful to write. ….. I don’t know why the hate-voice is there, but I think it must have to do with all of the perfect, magical lives I imagine everyone else is leading. And I used to feel magical, or at least, I thought I was being magical when I led a life that emulated what I saw on TV. I’m so prone to suggestion, it’s ridiculous. Now when I think of leading those magical lives – and I want to – I just feel old and tired and resentful that it’s too hard to lead lives like those, and how the hell is everyone else even doing it?

Cue mantra.

I’m okay.

Other people aren’t leading those lives. They’re leading normal, regular lives that aren’t perfect, nor do they look nor feel perfect. They’re messy and not great at everything. They’re good at some things, but not everything. They’re okay.

Just like me. I’m okay.

Maybe the hole I’m trying to fill has actually swallowed me up. I’ve got work to do – depression, balance, food, exercise. And I know, eventually, I will be able to pull myself out of here. I’ve done it before.

Day 1,181. Looking up from the bottom.

 

 

Climb Ev’ry….

There must be a step I am skipping.

I can see my goal – happy, carefree, no-stress, low-cortisol levels, did I mention happy? Easy, breezy (beautiful CoverGirl)….. Enjoying my work (my dream job) and being happy to be at my school, teaching what I love, and having both my babes with me at the same school. No more self-pity! (Gah. I am so bored of hearing myself talk about it over and over.) No more ‘Woe is me.’ No more crying. No more anticipatory stress. No more feeling sorry for myself. I’m really sick and tired of it.

That, and it feels like the Universe is sending me all these messages the past few weeks with others’ stories to put mine better into perspective. I know our hurts and our pains and challenges are not comparable, but I when I am listening to others’ stories (and comparing), I can’t help but think, ‘Why the hell can’t I get over my stuff/myself?’ Seriously. So many stories of people being amazing in the face of adversity and challenge and heartache and loss and life changes….. And then there’s the poor-old-boob-Me who can’t get over the fact her job is hard and her bosses aren’t great. (A bit of a generalization, but really, when it comes down to it, that’s what it is.)

I feel like a whiny schmuck who can’t get over it already.

And then the worry and anxiety comes in and that’s unsettling, because it doesn’t just unsettle me about the job, nope. It unsettles me about everything else, too, so that everything is bad or scary or insurmountable.

I am not that person.

I am a doer and a get-shit-done-kind-of-person. This continued anxiety is making me feel

1. Not like myself
2. Weak
3. Alone
4. Like a cry-baby
5. Fragile and frail

And then, as I continue to bubble up with worries here and there, I also feel like I keep spilling it out on those I love, which makes me feel even more frustrated with myself.

I can see the oasis that is calm and serenity ahead of me. I can even get to it for a few brief moments at a time. A blogger used the image of an open hand the other week, and I love that idea in regards to my situation. Yes, the crap is here, but if I keep my hand open, it will pass. Right now, it feels like I am clutching onto all the crapola and I’m the one not letting things go.

And yet.

There is incompetence and disregard for my job as an arts teacher. I just checked my schedule and found I am given 10 preps (fine), but four of the classes are scheduled to be quarter-long instead of semester-long. What about content/curriculum? What about students getting adequate instruction time? Will students receive half the credit, or am I expected to cram a semester’s worth of content in for the students’ sakes? Why was none of this communicated to me ahead of time? Why was I not asked? Would you ask an English teacher to run their classes like this? Why am I? …… My heart just picks up right where it left off and runs like gangbusters for the hills. I’m worried returning to work is going to set my health back again and I’m going to have to have a more serious procedure to fix my heart problem (caused by my job), which further compounds the stress and the damage. …. Anyway, I’ve asked for a meeting, but seriously. Why am I my only advocate? Why does no one else see how their choices affect me, a teacher in their school? Plus, when I send off that old email, I further compound their perceptions of me as well. I’m the woman who can’t be happy or satisfied or content with her job. The woman who doesn’t know her place. The woman who is loud. The woman who dredges up problems, who sees trouble where there isn’t any. Etc. I want to quit, but I also want to push through and get through to the other side and be happy doing what I love to do.

I was bucking myself up the past few days because I go back to workshops on Thursday. I’ve been telling myself everything will be okay (Thanks, PapaBear), and that I can do this *flex* (Thanks, Rosie the Riveter), and that this year can and will be different because the past is in the past (Thanks, Elsa).

I’ve been to therapy a few times and am going again this week. I’ve been checking in here and reading and connecting. I’ve seen girlfriends and spent lots of time doing things to engage with others. I’ve started that new drug (which I’m not loving, but going to give it a month). I’ve exercised 4 times in the past 8 days. I’ve eaten (a lot). I’ve spent time with my babies and with the rest of my wonderful fam (Hi, Sister & NewBabyNiece). I got the heck out of dodge.

I’ve been doing the work and I still feel like Shit, and I’d like to know why.

Am I on the verge of a breakthrough? Or a breakdown? At this point, both seem probable.

I feel better as a person, but the Job is looming and this scheduling thing does not bode well, nor sit right, nor feel good as I begin another year. I just keep thinking that this year cannot be the same as last year. I cannot go through and lose myself, my health, and my family time the way I did last year. I’m clutching to that idea/goal, and then my heart begins to race and I feel sad and defeated.

I’m going to keep taking the steps, Folks. And I’m going to keep doing what needs to be done for me. I’m going to set boundaries and take things back a notch where I can. I’m going to prioritize my physical and mental health, my family, and my Time. I’m going to stand up for myself when and where I need to, even if I continue to be the Problem Person.

Day 1,161. Are we there yet?

A Majestic Woman Climbing a Small Mountain by Caitlin Connolly

Check-In & Check-Ups

Good morning, Friends.*

Long time. Long, long time since I sat down. Sat down, period. But also sat down to write. Things have been rough. Friends ask me how my year has been pretty regularly these days as the school year is winding down. And my honest answer is always, ‘It’s been a tough year.’ Because it has. In so many ways. Low lows. And high highs. But those lows seem to be long-lasting, and the highs momentary.

Cut to the chase, I’m still sober. Win. Wonder. Achievement. Power. Got it. Haven’t lost it. …. Thought about it as a mental exercise of sorts a few times, but more philosophical than worrisome or actual, if that makes sense? Like remembering those days when I could and did just check out mentally, physically, and all sorts of -ally’s. A little jealous of the checking out, but then, walking away from the idea because sober is better. Even when Life is not.

The year has been tough because of work stress. I’ve felt unsupported or taken care of by administration in a coworker situation. Even though the situation required action, it took 5 months for that action to happen. In the meantime, my prolonged stress/cortisol levels probably affected my heart. I now have an electrical issue – an arrhythmia, and a low-grade fever which shows up every few days, which I have been trying for the past three months to figure out. Been to the doctor at least 15 times. Have finally gotten a referral to a cardiologist this month. Good news is that monitoring has showed that my heart muscle is normal and very healthy. It’s just out of sync with itself. (Tell me about it, Heart. I know exactly what you’re going through.)

Other stress was a big project fell in my lap, again without any support.

I teach full-time, and I direct 2 shows and assisted a third over the school year.

I was missing my kids, my family. I was missing time to take care of myself. To feel balanced. I just felt like I was/am pouring myself into this school and the institution is not giving me a whole heck of a lot back.

This place was supposed to be my knight in shining armor. And it is in some ways. But in others, I am just alone on so many things. Somewhat the nature of teaching, but this feels above and beyond – in a bad way. …. Below and super-close? … Nope. Not the same kind of ring. … Anyway, the leadership does not lead. By action. ….. By word, yes, but it’s just to make everyone like them. The leadership has no identity, because they don’t take a stand on anything. I don’t know who they are. It is the most mind-boggling thing, because what are they getting paid all the money for? Drives. Me. Crazy. I don’t want a nice guy or guys. I want a Leader. Argh.

Having my girl with me during the school day is amazing. Knowing my son will join us next year makes everything even better in that regard. …. But knowing that my school day-interactions with them are about all I see them breaks my heart. … Part of it is the nature of theatre. But with all the added stress this year, even when I do get home I have so much to get done when I’m actually there like cleaning the living room, or so maxed out that I zone out to dumb YouTube videos,  that we just don’t have more than 20 minutes together most days. It’s crazy.

I feel like I’m missing them. I don’t want to miss them.

Also? I got shingles on my birthday. Um, what?! That’s not fair. …. Although it made me slow down for a week. I was OUT. It was horrible, and I only had the smallest patch of pox, but it knocked me down and again, OUT.

Okay. So, yeah. Tough year. Tough, tough year.

Good things? They were there, too, in the midst.

• My sister had a beautiful baby girl. Oh, my word, so beautiful.
• My PapaBear had a health scare, but came out of it on the other side. Working on staying healthy – just like all of us. *smile*
• The shows I directed went off incredibly well. Students have grown so much in just two years. A definite culture is being created in the department, and it makes us all stronger and better. I love the relationships forming. (High schoolers here.)
• I love Middle Schoolers. They’re so great.
• Directing a show at my outdoor company, which I’ve wanted them to stage for 20 years. It’s fun and light and silly, and a lovely antidote to my year.
• My daughter is amazing and smart and hilarious, and is overcoming her ‘worry voice’ a little bit at a time.
• My son has taken off on the piano and loves all things music, which I knew from the beginning he would.
• The hubs is freaking out about playing Antony in Shakespeare’s ‘Antony & Cleopatra,’ but I know he will be amazing. This is the hard part.
• Time has been spent in the yard and the gardens. Dirt smells so good.
• Music is being listened to.
• Like I said before, still sober. *flex*
• Good, healthy food is being eaten. I’ve been trying to ‘eat clean,’ and have been quite successful at it these past two and a half weeks. I feel really good because of it.
• Connected to that, exercise has happened more in the past month than in the past year. *smile*
• I played ‘Family’ with my babes last night. We went camping, built a campfire, paddled a canoe, caught a huge fish, a school of fish, oysters, clams, crab legs, and a treasure chest. It was quite the trip. *smile*
• My cat feels less neglected, as I am petting and cuddling her regularly, as opposed to pushing her away because I don’t want to be needed.
• Even with all the health concerns and hassle, I’ve been proactive and spoken up and tried to figure out what the heck is going on. In my drinking days, I probably would have let it slide and figured it out later.
• Similarly, with the job, I’ve signed for next year, but I am still considering options. Trying to figure out what that might look like or be, etc. Just keeping my mind open to the possibility helps me feel less ‘stuck.’
• Summer is almost here. Just around the corner. Literally – next week. Cannot wait.
• And dates are coming up, too. The hubs and I are celebrating our 10-year anniversary on Thursday, and my 3-year sober date is Saturday. Wow!

….. See? Lots of good things in the past month, especially.

Day 1,092. Heya. I missed ya.*

-HM. 

 

 

 

April: I Was Here.

(Aren’t drama masks creepy?) 

Good morning!

‘Theatre is a lifestyle’ is not an exaggeration. My sister summed it up beautifully, painfully, and accurately….. *smile*

This month has seen the first big musical production at my new school. Production staff was fabulous to work with, the kids have been positive and have grown even from just a few months before, and the families have been so supportive. Now that it’s over, we’re all exhausted, happy, and proud. A good combination, I think.

My own parents were also able to make the show, which was my favorite part. And they came to the show that far-exceeded any of the others. Which makes the time and the sharing all the sweeter. Pluuuuus, the show was being recorded that same night – something that never happens!

This morning, I actually slept in a bit. Luxurious!

And now, I am about to get ready to go in one more time to run Strike – when everything gets taken apart, cleaned, organized, and put away. My favorite day actually…. Because it takes us back to zero, and that is the place where the next show will start from…. I love it. So cathartic and healing and satisfying. And beautiful in the promise of the unknown and the daydreams and the what if’s….

Still here, still sober, folks. Two loooooong weeks away from my fam, but in actuality? The demand seemed better-balanced and shorter in duration than it has in the past. When I dug in two weeks ago, I could visualize the ending, and knew it wouldn’t be too bad. Plus, lots of podcasts to keep me busy while I worked kept me happy, and the nutritious lunches I ate at school (fact, not facetious) kept me better fueled and even-keeled than I usually am eating gas station snacks and coffee. *smile*

Day 691, What’s up next?!

 

15 Miles to the Looooooooove Shack!

 

And a funky little shack it is. Full of all kinds of knick-knacks and doo-dads, and some old smelly piles of who-knows-what? Isn’t Sobriety wonderful? *smile*

It’s only been a month since my life screeched to a halt, and I am really surprised by where I am now. First, my Daddio is recovering well. I’m looking forward to spending time with him and my mom over Thanksgiving. Then, my slight med boost (Monster #2 = Bipolar) has really smoothed out my anxiety, mood-swings, and tension. I take my meds before bed, so in the mornings on my drive to work, it feels like the meds start swimming through my brain in order to prepare me for a calm, even-keeled day (mostly – I am a high school teacher after all). Time with the hubs and with the babes seems more centered and more connected. And? Most surprising news of all for me is I am turning into a runner!

This week, I set myself the goal of running 15 miles (approx 2-3.5 miles per run), and? Mission accomplished! 15.75 miles to be exact. I am feeling good. Strong. More confident. A little bonier (which is nice). The hubs and I (again, mostly) changed our diets a few weeks ago so that we would be eating more Real food – fish, chicken, rice, lots of veggies, etc. I’m finding I am feeling less snacky, more full, and just more nourished – if that is actually a feeling a person can have. And? Bonus: I think it is helping me lose some more of my marshmallow fluff. Oh, and I hadn’t considered it until I began to write, but the food change has possibly contributed to the mood shift and overall feeling of contentment as well. Hoo-rah.

Oh, and the other connection to ’15’ is that I am 15 days away from KOing my next sobriety goal of 180 days. As I was telling Riding on Empty the other day, I will have to trick myself to keep going with sobriety by setting the next 180-day challenge as soon as the first one is up. It’s kind of nice, though, because I think I m going to do a short-term goal of hitting the Winter Solstice first, and then creating a natural goal of getting to the Summer Solstice after that. A short-term goal after these big-number hills will be a nice change of pace, especially around the holidays. Then, it’s off to the races again!

Day 165, Knock a little louder, Sugar.

 

A Sunday Reclamation.

Houston, there is no problem.

Well, hello, again. This is just a quick post tonight to check-in. It’s been a good weekend. And truthfully? I am just feeling more whole and more balanced.

Yesterday, I spent a great amount of time in the morning reading many of the sober blogs I follow, and writing. It felt good to catch-up.

Then, off to an adventure with the babes, and then to the in-laws for a much-needed dinner. When I’m in rehearsal, I miss the daily check-ins and hang-out time with them, so that was grand and wonderful.

Oh, to top it off, the hubs and I had a bit of a date once the babes went to sleep, so that was love-ily, too.

Today, we had incredible weather. Play-outside-with-no-jacket-on-Nice. So? We took the babes to our usual bookstore for a quick treat, then off to a playpark nearby. They had the best time running and climbing and sliding and playing. Gah. So nice to be outside at this time of year. So lucky! It was love-ily to share with them. Plus, I love watching the hubs when he plays with them, too. He is so good at playing. Truly. It makes me fall in love with him even more every time I see him play with our two monsters like that. Love it.

Then, when we got home, my first order of business was to reclaim the living room! And our house, in general. For those who don’t know, we have a 3- and a 4-year old, respectively. And less respectively, they drive me crazy with how much stuff they accumulate! I don’t know why, but I have never been very sentimental with ‘stuff.’ In my 20s, I loved to move because it meant I would end up gutting my collection down to a reasonable amount again. Well, the man I mentioned above happens to have the opposite sentiment to things, particularly collecting. (Ugh!) And my children, well, everything is a dearly beloved treasure, so needless to say, things pile up quickly.

So today? I took over. I put away a ton of stuff into these huge bins, and promised the babes that I wasn’t going to throw anything away (I wasn’t lying). However, I did put them in our attic in hopes that they will be forgotten, at which point in the future, I will then be able to toss the whole lot. We’ll see.

Then, this afternoon, instead of attending my weekly AA meeting, I decided to enjoy the weather and go for a jog while listening to The Bubble Hour. I really think it was the best decision ever. I feel like I made it to a meeting, because of the podcast, and I also feel happier in my bod because of the exercise. Win-Win.

And now, here I sit, smelling some love-ily smells, as I take some time to make dinner, as well as lunch/dinner for tomorrow.

What a brilliant weekend!

Day 159, I just feel happy. …. In which case, I will share my happiness with all of you and leave this yummy stake-your-claim-style-doughnut here for you each to try…. *smile*

Si, Si, Senora!

It’s been a good week.

A stress-filled week.

But a good week.

I got rolling pretty quickly downhill on Monday into a stressball, as we say in our house. So? After a day of running around, teaching, organizing, designing a brochure, prepping the set design for the next show, as well as prepping for auditions, I was Done.

And do you know? A cool thing happened….

I did not have the urge to drink. (Wa-hoo!)

Nope.

I had the urge to scream and cry a little,

so instead of actually doing either of those things….

I ran.

Like the wind.

Seriously. I ran So fast on Monday. Usually I hover around 6 mph doing intervals, and Monday, I cranked up the treadmill to 6.5 mph for almost all of the intervals, and then even hit 7 mph for the last one. Man, did it feel good! And such a healthier way to deal with stress than drinking it away.

Then, the rest of the week went by in a bit of a blur. Classes, auditions, show stuff, cramming in time to run 4 out of 5 days…. But it was good. By Friday, I was ready for the weekend! The cast and crew lists were posted, and it was time to par-tay! And by ‘par-tay,’ I mean go home to the babes, drink a bunch of glasses of iced tea, enjoy dinner with my fam, and then read sober blogs and Mindy Kaling’s first book before I fell asleep. Party on, Wayne.

It’s been a good weekend.

Yesterday, I had time with my girlfriends for our brunch & book club. We sooooort of discussed Neil Gaiman’s The Ocean at the End of the Lane, which as my girlfriend says, “Breaks your heart twice in the first chapter.” SO incredible and well-written. I’m a huge Gaiman fan – HUGE – and have personally decided this is the book he has been trying to write for his whole writing career. It is beautiful and poetic and core-shakingly brilliant. Truly stunning. … And the time we spent discussing it? Oh, about 10 minutes. *smile* The rest of the time was spent on some much-needed catching up. Wonderful!

Then, last night, the hubs and I were  able to enjoy a bit of a date-night as our babes fell asleep pretty quickly. I was in the mood for a romantic comedy (because Mindy Kaling mentions the genre more than once in her book that I had been reading – Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns). As I was picking through our collection, it was (re)discovered that the hubs had never seen the classic, hilarious, and wonderful movie It Happened One Night, starring Claudette Colbert and Clark Gable, directed by Frank Capra, and written by Robert Riskin. Oh, my goodness! I forgot how much I love this movie! So funny, and so sweet. I mean, look at this still from the movie – that look! Doesn’t it make you melt? And the love-ily thing is that Colbert has more than one moment of that sweet look as well. Gah. Love it.

So now, today, in about thirty minutes, the hubs and I are headed to another date out. Wow! We are so full of awesomeness and together-time this weekend! … And I can’t wait because we are seeing The Martian. I am not usually one to have the quick instinct that “I have to see that!” But with this one? The first time I saw the movie trailer, that was the thought I had. I’m so excited, and am perhaps looking forward equally towards the movie itself, as well as the popcorn and/or candy that will accompany said movie. Hee. Yum and Yay!

Okay, and? Now for the last good thing on my current list (there are so many today – so cool)… I was kind of losing track of my sober days, what with all that has been going on at work, and then on Thursday, I realized I was pretty close to 150/5 months. I checked in on line for a minute, and tuh-dah! Sober Day 150 was on Friday. Huge achievement! And my official 5-month happens tomorrow. So great! Now I am just 30 days away from my 180-day challenge finish, as well as edging up on that Winter Solstice/Solstice-to-Solstice Challenge. As I like to say, Woot-to-the-Oot, People!

So, here I was basking in the goodness of sobriety and achievement and not really feeling the worse for wear (as opposed to the time around the 100-marker), and was thinking I might splurge on a little Aveda perfume, because it’s waaaaaaaay cheaper than the perfumes I am in love with. I mentioned it to the hubs yesterday, and do you know? That man came home in the afternoon with a 5- and 6-month combo celebratory present for me. Gah. So sweet. And so deliciously amazing! As you can see here, it was a hunormous bottle of Armani’s Si perfume, plus a little gift set for buying the biggest bottle (Score!). So now, I am about to get ready for the date mentioned above, and then wear my new, yummy, wonderful perfume. Plus? Cate Blanchett is the spokesperson! I didn’t even know that until I looked up images this morning, and now I am more in love with my perfume than ever. Way to go manipulative advertising machine. You got me!

And with that? I must run. Time to get ready for my date! Ooooooh! We might even kiss! Gross.

Okay, love you. G’bye!

Day 152, Oh, look at that – the Pink Cloud has returned with a sky FULL of identical friends.

 

Some (Good) News.

Wow. Okay. First, thank you, all, for your kindness and understanding to my last post. So grateful to share things I’ve been carrying for so long in a safe space. Grateful and overwhelmed by each of you. More thought and contemplation will be given to Death in posts to come, but for now, I will take a reprieve and fill you in on a couple of good developments in the immediate Here and Now.

First, I’ve been exercising much more regularly in the past month. I caught back up to my Couch-to-5K routine, and then I took matters into my own hands. I have not yet jogged a 5K straight through, however I have run (I’m actually running now)-walked 4 5Ks in the past week and a half. On my own. In training. It feels really good, even when my anxiety and dread is building and I don’t want to exercise, but then I put on my clothes and don’t give myself a choice. I’m such a jerk.

Second, and more importantly, and goodly, and love-ily…. I’ve shared my blog with my immediate family and best friend. *bandageripped!* Yow. With yesterday’s post, I realized it was time. If I’m going to sink into my history – all of it good, bad, magical, and less-magical – then I need to be able to talk about it all with the people I love most. It has done lots of good sharing with the hubs, so I know there are benefits to the scary vulnerability of it all. I’m feeling optimistic and looking forward to what comes of it.

Third, there is no third, except I think ‘one of my people’ is reading right this very minute, so I’m trying to get this post up before they hit the ‘end’ that was yesterday. (‘Hi’ to whichever one of you it is. I’m so glad you’re here.* Even if it freaks me out a little. I’m sure it freaks you out a little, too. So? We’re even. *smile*)

Day 106, Doo-‘n-Do-Do. (Name that song.)

#Poundage.

I have to tell you my confidence is way up. The bloating has almost completely gone away – particularly from my belly and face. I am wearing fun clothes, and taking time in the mornings to do my make-up, and just ‘get ready.’ The new treats from the past couple of months are being worn and/or used frequently. And I just feel good about me.

The coolest thing? I am more confident when speaking with people. ….I always was confident, but now I am grounded. I’m not afraid to ask for thing – I know the answer might be ‘no’ – and whatever happens, happens.

In numbers, I’ve lost about 10 pounds total. Am still high on the scale, but for right now? I think this number here is Awesome. Yesterday this number ran 2 miles and didn’t get winded. This number is all kinds of wonderful.

Day 85, oh, Hello, Self.*