Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Archive for the month “May, 2016”

Slip Out the Back, Jack.

That’s what I would like to do…. Just slip out the back.

The last week of classes is here and I know there are things planned for coworkers who are leaving, and there’s a big faculty/staff lunch on Thursday, and then my friends are having a party for me on Saturday, and it’s all kind and wonderful…. But getting to school this morning, I am just filled with a feeling rip off the bandage, get it over with. Be done. And it’s not that I want to run away screaming, or anything, but there just seems to be so much ceremony and … Waiting. Just waiting for the end to be the end.

It’s complicated.

Add into the mix the show I’m directing this summer (which gets started tonight), and I don’t know. I want to celebrate and go out with a bang (so to speak), but I also just want to be done. Argh.

Day 357, creeeeeeaaaaaaaaak…….

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A Few Randoms.

Heya.*

So, cool thing happened last week. I needed to meet a possible collaborator to see if we would be a good fit or not. He suggested a 9 pm, over drinks kind of a meeting, and named a place. I said, ‘I’m don’t drink, but do they serve food? I’m really good at eating.’ And all of a sudden? Whoosh! Right past the awkward. I thought it was simple and effective.

Of course, I probably confused the crap out of him when he arrived and I had a frosty beer in my glass. I didn’t clarify that it was NA, but hm. Who knows what he thought?

Then, oddly enough, (fast forward to this weekend/today – I hired him)…. We were sitting next to one another for our work this afternoon, and the whole entire time, I kept getting these huge whiffs of alcohol. Gah. It was very disconcerting – 1. To deal with, and 2. To wonder if this was going to be a regular occurrence after a Friday or Saturday night?, and 3. This used to be me! And I always thought I was so good at covering it. Yeah, right.

Other random, Facebook is kind of a crazy-summer-happy-time-drinks trap right now. I am considering stepping away more significantly again for awhile. I fell off my FB-free-wagon last month and have begun to check it on a daily basis. But? Thinking I might return to my every-2-3-weeks-visit type arrangement I had going most of this past year…. Anyone else experiencing high levels of fun, sun, & booze? Argh. Jealousy is a word and a feeling that comes up a little too quickly this week, so yeah. A break is inevitable. At least for awhile, I think.

Day 348, Odds & Ends.

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Heya, Hope.

Morning Sunrise Photo Depicts actual Cloud with Silver Lining

Good morning.* Some big things have happened in the past month – so big, I can’t even really believe it all fit inside the time of 35 days.

So, on April 1st, I found out my teaching contract would not be renewed next year. (I’m sorry I keep repeating this fact.)

But then? Even inside all of my sadness and grief and loss, I got shit done. References, resumes, cover letters, job hunts, applications …. Which led to …

Hope

A job interview! …. Even better? …. For a theatre teaching position! A full-time, department lead, theatre position. It was like finding a unicorn. Seriously.

1st interview led to a second, all-day interview extravaganza about a week later. Discovered the school is Happy. Very open. Liberal. Kind. …. I found myself getting hopeful, but also trying to stay pragmatic – I kept generating applications and getting them out so that I wouldn’t lose momentum.

Had to wait a looooooooong week as there was a second candidate going through the same process as I had – teaching 2 classes, meeting with a student panel, HR, current teachers, and then another interview at the end of the crazy day. I decided I just wanted it to be a good fight, because what could be better than that?

So, that week went by, and I got the call offering me the position. The principal was SO kind and supportive and enthusiastic. I accepted (of course!), signed my contract yesterday, and now? The future waits just around the corner. Yow!

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Throw in all the sadness and anger and frustration, doing my regular teaching job, as well as opening and closing a show, auditioning for a second, and prepping for a third, oh, and my family and personal time, some consistent retail therapy, new hair-do, lots and lots of hours spent listening to lots and lots of great music, and to top it off, coffee – lots of it, and then, after all that, you pretty much get the gist of my month. *smile* (I can smile now.)

Oh, and?!

I hit 11 months on May 9th! (I am officially shopping for final tattoo designs and artists for my year-a-versary.)

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So. Much. Happening.

Day 340, How did that happen?! Holy shite.

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Making My Way.

Hello and happy Sunday to all of you.*

I have just spent a love-ily day with my children – them playing, me mostly digging in the dirt – under a beautiful, sunny sky. It has done so much for me and my state of mind. And I find that I am really looking to dig myself into my safe spaces still as I continue to rebound from the news that I would not have my teaching position next contract year. I am becoming more adventurous, and a little more outgoing again, whereas that first week or two, I was just Hunkered. Down.

I find the balancing of self such a challenge in everyday life anyway. When I am coming down from the trip that is life-altering news, at times I find myself watching myself. Not completely removed, but just noticing. So, today, for instance, the sunshine, vitamin D, relaxing time with my babes. It was all just what the monster ordered. And over the past month, I have been noticing that my body is actually very, very smart. When I listen to it, I find the most benefit and the most relief.

So, being that this is a recovery blog, I just want to point out that for the past fifteen years, my instincts to soothe and care for myself have been to reach for the nearest bottle, open, drink, and repeat. Sitting here, sober, and conscious of what my emotions, thoughts, and feelings are is astronomically better, and actually? Far more interesting. Before, when I was on the douse it cycle, I lost touch of …. Well, everything. The drink would create a weird, soundproof cloudy cushion around me, which would shelter me from the pain for whatever time I needed it to, but then when I got back into my life, I wasn’t moving forward with anything tangible. I stepped away from the buffer, but it kept all of those feelings and experiences inside it, because it never really let them come out fully to start with. I found I was moving through daily life feeling the impulses to be sad (poor thing – drink it away), or to be happy (celebrate! – drink it away), and with the instinct to drink to strong, I wasn’t really allowing myself to experience anything.

Nope. Sober is much better.

Even when it’s not.

It is.

So, as I was saying – my body is so smart! As part of my sober rewards, I’ve started getting my hair done at an Aveda salon again, and? I’ve been buying the products! That’s the kicker, isn’t it? Man, those bottles (of hair product, not booze!) are so expensive. But? They smell so friggin’ good. … So, yes. Aveda. And? I’ve started browsing the chakra perfumes, and I found myself gravitating towards #1 (Grounded) and #6 (Insight). And when I spray myself with those two scents, which I do every night, I find there is something basic in myself being met. I also happen to love that I would instinctively pull towards the two poles, quite literally. Having the two of them somewhat satisfied, makes me feel like I can move solidly forward with each day. I’ve just sprayed the scents again, and there is just something heavenly and good about them.

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Other things, in spite of the shit, I am still trying to move forward. Even in those first two horrible weeks after the news, I just kept going (and I keep going!). Whatever it takes. While teaching at the job I am going to lose, I just got shit done. Applications filled out, resumes and cover letters written, job searches done again and again, reaching out to friends, finding ways of getting my foot in as many doors as possible. And even though it sucked and I resented a lot of it, I’m proud now that I got all that done, and continue to do so. And although I’m not great or even really good yet, I’m betterish now. I’m glad I didn’t just stop. I’m glad I didn’t stop because I needed Me Not to Stop.

It really does feel like the core of me and the vision of what I want are working in accordance in so many ways these days.

Day 327, Om.

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