Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

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Marchin’ Along…

Hello, friends.* Happy last day of March.

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It has been a full and not-full month, which has been lovely. I am currently on Spring Break through Sunday, and am trying my best to relax and enjoy the time I have left with my babes and the hubs. Currently, I have a bit of chasing planned (or ‘errands’ as the rest of the world calls them). Then, I hope to spend some time outside this afternoon, followed by some ice cream time with the babes (yum!), and then dinner at friends’ house, with all our babes in tow. Tomorrow, we celebrate our dear friend’s baby shower, which is made extra special by the fact the couple has had such difficulty conceiving. I am so excited to rejoice with them. (SideNote: Why is the word ‘rejoice’ so biblical? It really is, I can’t get around it, but it is the sentiment I am going for. Hrm.)

Other news in ‘March’ ….. As I said in my earlier post, ’twas my birthday, which was lovely. I am feeling so much wiser, if not older. *smile*

I’ve been feeling a bit moody and low lately – maybe the last 2-3 weeks, which has erupted in irritation and short-temperedness these past 6 or 7 days. Some of it is anxiety-related, I know, based on getting back to school on Monday and diving into our show. The following three weeks will be the home stretch of our show, which opens the end of April. I am just feeling worried about getting it all done, and on top of ‘done,’ fucking awesome. No pressure, though, right? *smile*

With the mood-stuff, my meds have been out of whack since I got so sick last month. So I headed into my shrink yesterday, which was helpful to share, and then to also come up with a plan of attack if things don’t get straightened out. She also recommend I check-in with my therapist, so on the way home, I called her and set-up and appointment in about a week. All good. All productive. (See? I do feel wiser. *smile*)

Lastly, I love March! I love that we are lucky enough to have a bit of an early spring this year. The smell of spring is in the air, and it makes me So. Happy.

I’ve also been doing some reading, one trilogy in particular, which is aptly named ‘March.’ It’s about and by John Lewis, and follows his career and call to action and justice work. Very informative, and inspiring. It should be required reading for all 14-year olds everywhere, I think.

With that, I must run. Hope all is well with you and you and you and you…. *smile*

Day 661, Nevertheless, she persisted. (So many meanings, right?) *flex*

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Tres Belle.

Hello, friends.* A check-in email I wrote to the fabulous Belle (tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com) this morning…..

Hello, dear Belle.*

I am doing very well. Getting my life slowly reconfigured with a new job, new community, new school for my babe. Yesterday was my birthday and I celebrated in style and not-style with new friends and family. I attended a lovely gala event in the evening and all night, I kept finding myself watching another woman who looked like she had a had a long, hard week planning it all, and last night, she decided to celebrate and let loose. All the signs were there, and I kept thinking I was looking in a mirror to my not-very-distant past. I kept wishing good things for her and also, that this is not a regular occurrence. While at the same time, I felt thankful to be enjoying the evening 100% as myself. My water tasted delicious, as did the food. And even in a few moments of awkward quiet when my seat mates’ attentions were directed to the other sides of them, I was good and okay in the awkward. And this morning? I can remember the whole damn evening. A birthday gift indeed.*

Day 635, sobirthdays are the best.*

A Whole Lot of Nothin’.

Yep. That’s about sums up my motivation and drive today. I’m home with my sick babe and rather than cruise through the house and make it look awesome, spotless, and wonderful, I have been mindlessly surfing the internets, listening to music, and thinking, “I should be reading my book right now.” Oh, about a hundred times.

Nothing feels kind of nice.

Especially when I stop with the guilt and the should-dos.

Nothing doesn’t happen very often – for me, or anyone, I would guess. So, here I am savoring nothing. I’m going to turn my tuneages up and shut down the naggy voice in my head.

Be well, friends.

Day 465, Live long & prosper (immediately or later – it’s up to you).

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Oh, Leonard Nimoy. You are so wonderful.

Some Sea-Faring Metaphors….

Well, school has started. Not only for me, but for my very own little Kindergartner as well. One of the gifts of being at this new school is that it’s a Pre-K – 12, so she has the opportunity to be there as well. It’s a phenomenal school with phenomenal teachers. We are so lucky to be able to spend our mornings and afternoons traveling to the same place. I love walking her up to her classroom from my office. I love picking her up, happy and excited for what her day has been. And I love, most especially, getting to see her in the hallways every once in awhile, which of course if when I get lots of extra kisses and hugs. It is so special to have her there. To be at the school together.

As for me, in-service/workshop days were already three weeks ago. Yow! And the week leading up to the start of school was FULL of information. I felt like I was drowning. Each day more and more information, people, expectations, lists of procedures would be piled on top of the day before…. The water just kept creeping up and up over my head. Add to that I was having tech issues with my computer and everything internet, so I was behind on a practical level as well.

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However, even in the midst of the massive overload, I was so Welcomed and Cared For. Seriously. If you ever want to work at the Nicest Place on Earth, send me a personal message, because I have found it. These people are generous, empathic, sensitive, thoughtful. They have good senses of humor and will do just about anything to help. They are passionate about their students and their families, and especially about learning and creating thoughtful, compassionate, justice-seeking young people who will go out into the world to make it a better place. So, even in the midst of my own personal worries, I felt and saw some awesome and inspiring humanity all around me every minute of the day. Their presence and kindness really buoyed me up (to push the metaphor further).

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Top ALL that off with being a new parent of a new student? Well, jeez, Louise. I left every day inspired and hopeful all the way up to my tippity-top, in spite of all that was looming over my head and whatnot that I had left to do.

Fast-forward and I worked my butt off over the weekend and the few days we had for prep that first week (we started on a Wednesday), and then, tuh-dah! School started.

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Get it? It’s a School…. Of Fish. (I’m a dork.)

And all was good and right with the World. I found my rhythm. I got my shit together (for the most part). And the days have just been sailing by …

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Fun. Good energy. Promise.

Teaching is what I love. What I feel I was born to do. And even though I am in a new, unknown place, as one of my dearest friends said to me, ‘There are kids everywhere.’ And it’s true. How wonderful that it is true. And to be in a place where the adults Love kids and Love teaching, it feels like it might be just the right place for me.

Day 453, Love the Pisces Queen.* Found at: http://www.zazzle.com/pisces+puzzles

 

Slip Out the Back, Jack.

That’s what I would like to do…. Just slip out the back.

The last week of classes is here and I know there are things planned for coworkers who are leaving, and there’s a big faculty/staff lunch on Thursday, and then my friends are having a party for me on Saturday, and it’s all kind and wonderful…. But getting to school this morning, I am just filled with a feeling rip off the bandage, get it over with. Be done. And it’s not that I want to run away screaming, or anything, but there just seems to be so much ceremony and … Waiting. Just waiting for the end to be the end.

It’s complicated.

Add into the mix the show I’m directing this summer (which gets started tonight), and I don’t know. I want to celebrate and go out with a bang (so to speak), but I also just want to be done. Argh.

Day 357, creeeeeeaaaaaaaaak…….

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Making My Way.

Hello and happy Sunday to all of you.*

I have just spent a love-ily day with my children – them playing, me mostly digging in the dirt – under a beautiful, sunny sky. It has done so much for me and my state of mind. And I find that I am really looking to dig myself into my safe spaces still as I continue to rebound from the news that I would not have my teaching position next contract year. I am becoming more adventurous, and a little more outgoing again, whereas that first week or two, I was just Hunkered. Down.

I find the balancing of self such a challenge in everyday life anyway. When I am coming down from the trip that is life-altering news, at times I find myself watching myself. Not completely removed, but just noticing. So, today, for instance, the sunshine, vitamin D, relaxing time with my babes. It was all just what the monster ordered. And over the past month, I have been noticing that my body is actually very, very smart. When I listen to it, I find the most benefit and the most relief.

So, being that this is a recovery blog, I just want to point out that for the past fifteen years, my instincts to soothe and care for myself have been to reach for the nearest bottle, open, drink, and repeat. Sitting here, sober, and conscious of what my emotions, thoughts, and feelings are is astronomically better, and actually? Far more interesting. Before, when I was on the douse it cycle, I lost touch of …. Well, everything. The drink would create a weird, soundproof cloudy cushion around me, which would shelter me from the pain for whatever time I needed it to, but then when I got back into my life, I wasn’t moving forward with anything tangible. I stepped away from the buffer, but it kept all of those feelings and experiences inside it, because it never really let them come out fully to start with. I found I was moving through daily life feeling the impulses to be sad (poor thing – drink it away), or to be happy (celebrate! – drink it away), and with the instinct to drink to strong, I wasn’t really allowing myself to experience anything.

Nope. Sober is much better.

Even when it’s not.

It is.

So, as I was saying – my body is so smart! As part of my sober rewards, I’ve started getting my hair done at an Aveda salon again, and? I’ve been buying the products! That’s the kicker, isn’t it? Man, those bottles (of hair product, not booze!) are so expensive. But? They smell so friggin’ good. … So, yes. Aveda. And? I’ve started browsing the chakra perfumes, and I found myself gravitating towards #1 (Grounded) and #6 (Insight). And when I spray myself with those two scents, which I do every night, I find there is something basic in myself being met. I also happen to love that I would instinctively pull towards the two poles, quite literally. Having the two of them somewhat satisfied, makes me feel like I can move solidly forward with each day. I’ve just sprayed the scents again, and there is just something heavenly and good about them.

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Other things, in spite of the shit, I am still trying to move forward. Even in those first two horrible weeks after the news, I just kept going (and I keep going!). Whatever it takes. While teaching at the job I am going to lose, I just got shit done. Applications filled out, resumes and cover letters written, job searches done again and again, reaching out to friends, finding ways of getting my foot in as many doors as possible. And even though it sucked and I resented a lot of it, I’m proud now that I got all that done, and continue to do so. And although I’m not great or even really good yet, I’m betterish now. I’m glad I didn’t just stop. I’m glad I didn’t stop because I needed Me Not to Stop.

It really does feel like the core of me and the vision of what I want are working in accordance in so many ways these days.

Day 327, Om.

Monster 101.

Just a quick check-in from, blue, furry, li’l ol’ me.

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It’s actually my 101st post – can you believe it? I can’t. To quote a cliche, it feels like only yesterday when I started this whole ding-dang thang.

News updates: I’ve got some job applications floating out in the world, with my eye on getting at least twice as many out there by the end of next week.

I continue to be monstrously (teehee) busy with my current job. Lots of hours spent with my students, which is where I want to be, while on the other side of the equation is a little bitterness that 1. It will be ending soon; 2. That this work (and the work of my coworker and dear friend) has never really gone recognized by the people that be; and 3. A nagging anxiety of losing This. This amazing, precious thing I have.

But? I continue to be Here. Sober. And taking Life by each minute. And so far? That’s working out. Not easy, but happening.

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And doing my best to stay connected with you and your updates. It really does me some Good when I can just sit and check-in with where You are. Truly, it does. Even if I can’t respond, I am so happy following your adventures. Keep ’em coming, sober, happy (and some not) people. Which then puts this song into my head immediately…

Shiny Happy People

Day 316, Grover is my Spirit Muppet.

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Comfort. Stop.

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When I was a teenager and a new driver, my best friends and I would frequently visit a nearby town. In those journeys, I learned that my best’s grandfather would call pit stops or bathroom breaks ‘Comfort Stops.’ And so, we would frequently make Comfort Stops ourselves, just to explore, to look around, to be silly, and sometimes to seek actual comfort. *smile*

In the past eight days, I have been desperately seeking comfort in whatever ways I possibly could. Reaching out to all of you was scary, but I am so glad I did. Your responses and your care bolstered me, even though I did not have the energy nor the words to thank you at the time. Please know you gave me strength, particularly in seeing the good of my sobriety inside this shitstorm. I had thought my boss had stolen that from me, but your reminders helped me hold onto the good, and not allow him to take that accomplishment from me. I keep telling myself, ‘He’s not worth it. He’s not worth throwing my sobriety away. He’s not worth that first drink.’ And truly, he is not.

The community of love and support has flooded my life. Alumns, families, parents, friends, my family ….. It is all so incredibly humbling. Their words, their empathy, their kindnesses…. Who would have ever thought that my word for the year – Kindness – would appear in the ways it has this week. Emails, hand-written letters, tons of texting, phone calls, flowers, food, and sosososo many hugs…. And tears. There is so much good in the world. And although one small person is creating this big event in my life, I know that I am surrounded by an even bigger entity than him – a family, which was nurtured and created these past 15 years. They are all so amazing.

An update on the week …. I thought last Friday was one of the worst days of my life, but I was wrong. Monday happened, but then because of Monday, Tuesday happened – which was Worse. And then, out of nowhere, Wednesday happened, which is my mind was the absolute WORST. Throughout this entire experience, I believe my boss has treated me atrociously. I have not been shown a modicum of respect, nor have I even been treated humanely. Seriously. The hoops I have had to jump through, and the fear that has heightened inside of me because of this treatment has made this loss far more painful than I ever thought possible.

However? Yesterday, I didn’t cry. I sang my butt off in the car as loud as I could (Indigo Girls), and because I can’t sleep, I wake up early and curl my hair and watch silly, wonderful movies (Nottinghill), and I sing at work, and I find ways to use my hands – power tools not excluded, and I eat food that makes me happy, and I say ‘yes’ to being with people – in real life, or at the very least in real time, and that has made all the difference. (Sorry to steal your line, Robert Frost.)

Day 305, Feeling all the love.*

 

FKCK.

Or, in layman’s terms: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

I have just edited my first draft/post because I am that worried about my current situation – and I’m ANONYMOUS.

Without giving any details… I truly thought Friday was the worst it could possibly be. There was solace that I had made it through that day, so then I can make it through most anything. But then today shows up and tricks me, because nope! There is a ‘Worse-Yet’ scenario to this shit-show. And I can’t even tell you what it is because I am so scared of upper management repercussions, I don’t feel comfortable writing about it in vague terms here.

I cannot believe this. I am writing because I want to connect with all of you and vent my frustrations, but I can’t even give them words for fear of repercussions. And did I mention? I’m ANONYMOUS.

Gah. I feel like…. I have no words.

Am I crazy? I feel like I’m going fucking crazy. I know I’m in theatre, but I really cannot stand real-life drama. Truly. I can’t. This is above and beyond anything I have experienced before. I am being Systematically. Shut. Down.

And?

It’s Day 300. Part of me is so angry that this happened today of all days. They have stolen my grieving process, they’ve stolen my voice, and they have stolen one small bit of joy I have been looking forward to for 299 days.

I am ready for the shit to stop being shitty.

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I would love to be saved right now.

Free Fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s where I am right now.

 

 

Just falling.

 

 

I lost my job today.

*punch*

Well, I lost the chance at renewing my contract for next school year.

I’m heartbroken. Sad. Mad. Thankful not to have to wonder.

I feel still and anxious all at the same time.

My stomach will not settle down. It feels like it’s in an everlasting flip.

So much I don’t know. Where will I be? Will I be enough? Will I find something?

And then, moreso, on top of it all…. What about these kids? My students? My community? All of whom I’ve fought for and created and envisioned and worked SO HARD for. I’m asked to walk away from my Heart. The reason why I breathe. Truly. It is the most amazing job vocation calling. It is what I am meant to do and to be.

I walked in completely ignorant. A college grad (22!) and was just launched into this world of education and creativity. The more I learned, the more I loved. I am established. I am confident. I am doing the best work I’ve ever done. Truly. I can say that with confidence. I am building relationships and working on committees to create community and safe spaces, all while challenging the world and its isms. And I’m being asked to leave. Gah! I am just hurt and crushed. In shock. In pain.

 

 

 

And I am so so sad.

Day Something, I’m still sober. More later. I’m still sober. Before I would have drank these tears away, but today I just keep crying them, and it hurts so much.

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