Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Archive for the month “June, 2016”

Wakka Wakka Wakka.

While this post is begging me to write ‘The joke’s on me,’ I just can’t. Life is good. Life is full. Life is busy. Productive. Creative. Playful. Sunny.

And I am here having opened a show this past week, which I was pretty sure would be the first un-funny production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream in the history of the world, but then? Boom. Saturday hit, we hit our stride, and we were hilarious! *angelssing* Thank all that is holy. And now? It’s probably one of my favorite shows (comedies) I’ve directed. Especially because it’s outdoors and just FUN. Love that. …. And of course, the process was fun, and actually the week of opening, we weren’t too stressed out, but yes. I was worried about the funny-factor. Problem solved. Phew!

Following the opening, I dove into my second show this past week, and now have a bit of a hiatus for the days surrounding the 4th. *sigho’relief*

The hubs and I have had some really great evenings out together. Cast party, show, Finding Dory with the babes. And now tonight, we are headed to our first date ever to a comedy club. One of my very dear friends is opening for the headliner, so we are going to support him, and also just to check it out. I’m excited. We are even having dinner out beforehand. Look at us! We’re grown-ups!

Also in the works…. I had a tattoo consult the other week, and now I am set to go in on Sunday the 3rd for the real-deal. I’m nervous, second-guessing, and excited. I’m a nut. The date is significant to me, too, as it is a date I always remember for hurting someone I loved very much…. You guessed it, while under the influence. Yes, some of it was youth. Yes, some of it was naïveté. Yes, some of it was selfishness. But I always remember the date. Even 15 years later. I feel like there is something to the world’s design that my tattoo date is the same as the date I so frequently associate with shame and regret. Perhaps to help balance out the scale?

Day 387, *insertpunchlinehere* … Ba-dump-bum!

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A Year in the Life.

Well, today is the day.

1 Year Sober.

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And?

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I was inexplicably sad and tired all of the time. I felt constantly stressed, angry, and frustrated with my Life in general, and I was resentful and irritated with those people I love most in the world. I wanted so much to be the person I remembered being in my younger days, but I couldn’t find my way back to Her. I turned in on myself and away from the world. I tried every night to ‘treat’ myself and take some Me-Time in the guise of a wine glass. I thought it was adults did. Instead of filling me with positives and benefits, the wine took things away…. Most of all my sense of self, and replaced it with shame and pain.

Today? I am not the person I was. Even in the midst of all that has transpired this year (this spring in particular), I am Joyful. I am Happy. I am sure of myself, who I am, what I want, what I believe. My relationships with others are deeper, more sincere, more honest, more present, and more consistent. Resentment has gone the way of the dodo. Shame left me soon after I stopped drinking because I had nothing to feel ashamed about. My work/my creativity is stronger. I am rested. I am kinder and gentler – most of all with myself. I truly feel like I have recaptured Who I Was into the Me Who Is Now.

Sobriety is the best gift I have ever given myself, because it has given me my Life back.

To those people I love here in the blogosphere, my family, my friends, and the hubs, THANK YOU for all the love and support. I would not be here without having you with me on every step of this fascinating journey.

Year 1, Here I Am.

p.s. To those considering sobriety, perhaps just try it and see. What’s the harm? If, like me, you’ve tried counting drinks, setting limits, setting rules, jumping through the hoops of justifying the morning-after drink, or the drink at 5 o’clock-even-though-yesterday-was-an-alcoholic-blur, or if you’ve covertly picked up another bottle because it was on your way, or next to the grocery store anyway, or if you’re planning get-togethers with friends because it gives you the opportunity to drink in a group, an alibi, but then later by yourself, or if you’ve drunk by yourself and secretly filled your glass, or watched the bottle level go lower and lower and you’re not getting enough while everyone else seems to, or if you’ve hidden bottles away from your people and then gotten rid of the empty bottles when no one’s looking….. If you’ve done any or all of that, what would be the harm in just trying sobriety for a day or a week, just to see how it goes? What I discovered was that Sobriety is a whole lot less work than drinking ever was. It was actually easier…. on my life, on my health, on my well-being, on my peace-of-mind. Reach out to us here, if you want someone to listen to your story, or if you have questions. There are so many of us here who have been where you are. And, to be sure, I do not have all the answers, nor is my journey done. I still choose sobriety every day, and sometimes that choice is a lot harder than others, but? To me, it is always worth it and proves itself to be day in and day out. Love, -HM.

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3… 2… 1…

“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”
     -Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

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Here I sit in the midst of my countdowns (plural)…. The school year has ended. Grades have been reported. Grad parties have been attended. My own goodbye party has happened, where it seemed an infinite number of hugs and ‘See you soon’s and ‘Keep in touch’es were said by all. In the job world, I have one sliver of a string keeping me tethered to the Old, while a second silver string is dangling in the near future – complete with transition meeting set next week, and then off to the races with planning, learning, deciding, more planning, scrapping, then planning s’more… *smile*

It’s been good. Gooder than I thought it would be. (Please know that grammatical error was a conscious choice.) The major hurdle had been this past Thursday with the end of the year luncheon, and once that was over, everything else kind of followed in a logical sequence.

So, now I here I am contemplating my big 1 year-aversary set for Thursday, 9 June, 2016. I am actually getting kind of excited for it. Today, in silly Monster-fashion, I contemplated the idea of ‘One. Year.’ and what all that meant. I mean, of course I know it’s a year, but for some reason, today I felt like I could suddenly look back and see and understand what that huge concept represented – all of its ins and outs. Daunting in its magnitude. And proud-making in its scope. And shiver-shaking in its many, many effects.

As each day goes by this week, I am trying to raise my courage levels so that I am ready for my big dive into skin art. I am determined to get a tattoo (moon & a star) on my left wrist, but now that I have discovered the beautiful Rilke quote above, I am getting all cocky and thinking…. ‘Aw, I could totally do a moon and a star AND a Dragon.’ …. Someone talk me off my ledge. *smile*

Day 363, I will keep you posted, cool cats & kitties…..

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Feelin’ All the Feels.

A few mini-vignettes…..

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Putting one foot in front of the other, inch by inch… And I’ve found myself Here and Now.

I am struggling because I am feeling so much/everything all at once, and then simultaneously trying to not feel anything (impossible!) in order to protect myself. It’s weird going through loss in slow-motion….

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This morning, I laughed at myself because I was thinking of a conversation I was having with a friend the other week (he knows I am sober) and I was expressing to him how great sobriety is because I feel everything, and how horrible sobriety is because I feel everything. He laughed in a gentle way and talked about what a gift it is to get it ALL back, and I agreed with him. But today? Um. The jury is still out.

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When I was a little younger than I am now, 25ish or so, I remember a conversation I had with my dad…. He said, ‘Monster, you just feel SO MUCH.’ And I do. I don’t know if it’s because of my artist’s heart, or my Piscean nature, or my bipolar, or what, but there is something in me – and always has been – that amplifies my emotions on a scale wide and deeper than most human mortals. It’s a bit of an honor badge form me, because my emotions really make me feel like Me. But? It’s also a real kick in the head, because gah! So many feelings. All. The. Time.

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Lastly, when I met my husband 9 years ago, I felt like I had found someone who honored all of my insides – the muck, the beauty, the murk, and the plummeting depths – and I was wholly myself. All of the time. And? He didn’t run the other way. *smile* At one point in one of our early day-dates, he asked me how I was and I said, ‘Fine.’ He stopped me right there and told me that his mentor (an acting teacher) always says that FINE= Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic, & Emotional. … Yes!!! *smile* Don’t you love that? Ever since then, I have always been careful about saying the word ‘Fine,’ unless I’m singing to the Indigos of course….  And I’m also skeptical of anyone who says they are Fine. It’s a good rule of thumb I have found.

Day 359, Take It Away, Girls …. Closer to Fine

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