Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Archive for the month “January, 2016”

NYC, see ya soon.

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I’m off to the Big Apple. In a few short hours, this postcard will prove true.

Keep your fingers crossed that the mega-blizzard forecast is more of a Christmas-card-styled light dusting of snow. *smile*

Day 226, Ciao, babies.*

 

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Telling on Myself.

Don’t worry. Don’t panic. I did not drink. That is not the telling I am talking about.

I am telling on myself because I did a bit of isolating over the weekend. A bit of grumpy, crappy, lash-out-at-loved-ones angrily kind of behavior. In short?

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This Was/IS Me.

It started kind of just because. Well, okay, sort of just because. Really? I think I am going through some crappy stuff with my menstrual cycle because in the past two months, I have had my cycle 3 times. And I even think the cycle before that was really close together, too. I kept thinking, ‘Oh, I just lost track of the days because I’ve been so busy.’ But really? Nope. I think something is going on. Either my meds are causing trouble with my bod, or perhaps (and more worrisome to me) I am starting early menopause? Eep. All this body stuff would explain my crazy desire for a third baby that keeps finding its way into my everyday conversations with the hubs and with my young children. Truly ridiculous.

And then, this weekend, things were going along nicely on Friday. Tired, but nothing out of the ordinary after a full week. Then, I had a small function at school, which went really well. I was actually SO happy with it, and especially with my students. Then, triptrap back home and looking forward to the rest of my day with my family, and? DISASTER. I yelled, I cursed, I just got pissy and angry and irritated almost out of nowhere. The hubs kept looking at me like, ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ And every time I would explode, I would think the same thing. Just horrible. So, then, I tried to distance myself and lose myself in some cross-stitch and MasterChef (Australia!), but even though I did that, it didn’t help. I was a grouch all the way through to the end of the night. As I was laying in bed Saturday night, I thought to myself, ‘I will forgive myself for this shit day, go to sleep, and wake up feeling better and nicer.’ *lesigh*

But I didn’t. I was mostly a crab Sunday, too. A little better, but not much. We tried going out and bringing the kids to their favorite places. But I was just sooooo tired. And grouchy.

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Argh….

So, here I am. Going on Day 3 of trying to feel like I am a good mom and wife, and just crossing my fingers my physical discomfort doesn’t continue to take over and keep me turned into this ugly, mean ol’ grumpy monster.

As for the telling on myself…. I really have been isolating these past several days. And eating without thinking. And just really disconnected to this body of mine. Yes, I feel the discomfort, but I almost feel like I am trying to forget about it and lose myself in some other sort of pleasure or reward or treat to take my mind off of the pain (sound familiar?). So, yes. I am going to try and just let the feelings be the feelings, and rather than stuff my face and yell at my family and IGNORE what is going on, I will try and act from an honest place. I might not be perfect or feel one-hundred percent, but that doesn’t mean my family needs to be brought down with me. What a jerko I’ve been.

Here we go…. Into a new day. And who knows? Maybe I will get a little bit of

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THIS

in the long run….

Day 223, Here’s hoping! *smile*

Green-Eyed Monster.

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Good morning.*

After a nice little post and feeling all happy and good about being where I am in sobriety, as well as all of my Life Adventures going on at the moment, for the past two days, I found myself in the midst of a big Case of the Jealouses.

On Saturday night, the hubs was trying to tell me a sweet story about his dear friend, but to get there, he took a meandering way through a bit of whiskey talk. I felt my hackles go up, and kept asking, ‘Is this necessary?’ ‘Can we skip this?’ ‘ What is the purpose of this part of the story?’ … We had a falling out after the sweet story, because I was frustrated and getting the nervous feeling of ‘Wait! I can’t drink EVER AGAIN?!’ And it was building and building throughout the story. Gah.

And while the hubs and I patched things up pretty quickly (phew!), the jealous feeling of ‘It’s not fair!’ and wondering about those sparkly nights of booze & laughter and clinky glasses kept coming up in my head. And seriously PISSING ME OFF. For the past two days. All because of an anecdote for crying out loud. What the fuck?

So, I am here to tell you that I was avoiding telling you in the thick of things because I didn’t want to seem overly dramatic. But really? I should have reached out in the midst of it all. Also, the bout of ‘sickness’ felt like a sudden kick to the head out of nowhere. Here I was floating along, and then BAM! Sobriety Sucks. …. Or, rather, that’s the thought I kept thinking. That and the it’s-not-fair kindergarten special.

I am also here to tell you I Stayed Sober Anyway. Even though it sucked. Even though I was jealous. Even though I had a case of the what-ifs and the maybes…. I didn’t cave. And I didn’t give in. I put my head down. I swore in  my head a LOT. And I just kept going Sober because I knew if I didn’t, things my life would be worse. Much worse. MuchMuchMuchMuchMuchMuchMuch worse. And rather than throwing it all away because I was feeling whiney and frustrated, I dug in and just let it suck. Which it did. But still. Here and Sober.

And in the midst of the suckage, I found a bit of irony, because I hit

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7 Months!

on Saturday. So that was nice even in the midst of the shit. And? It’s still 7 months because I didn’t drink. Even though the monster was saying how great it was, and how everyone was doing it, and all of the remember-whens, etc. But I know it wasn’t great, because of all the shame and embarrassment I would wake up with the next morning. I know everyone else is NOT doing it, as I was at a funeral last week (at a brewery no less) and a shit-tonne of people were holding cans of soda rather than pints of beer – smack in the middle of their grief. No. Not everyone is doing it, MindMonster. And most of my remember-whens end in heaving my guts out, or forgetting a night, or being sad and lonely because all I have is my glass of wine to keep me company… Because I wouldn’t let anyone else close while I was drinking so that I could drink More. Gah. All so stupid.

And for whatever reason, along with all the morals I know now, one thing that I kept coming back to during this Battle Round was that drinking cost SO much money. And I kept looking around myself and realizing that we have what we need, and some of what we want, and I am not holding my breath from paycheck to paycheck because of my exorbitant drinking habit. We are comfortable at the moment, whereas when I was drinking, we were scraping by. That stress relief alone is worth a little discomfort today (and today and today and today).

Day 216, hey, Jealousy.

Monster in the Middle.

I’m finding myself in the middle of an odd juxtaposition – geographically, as well as in my head – intellectually and emotionally.

First, picture me snug in the middle of the US., right…..

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Here.

Which is right in the middle of this state…

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Here.

Which is right in the middle of this country….

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Here.

So truly, the Absolute Middle.

And my mind? My mind is ….

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Here.

In LA, because that is where my current production takes place. It is set during the Uprising in 1992, and I am finding inspiration and sadness in the material, because the situation and circumstances are ringing louder and louder down through the past 20 years to NOW. My students are brilliant, insightful, and amazing. But my heart hurts most days due to the Truth we are addressing and continuing to uncover.

The other part of my mind is….

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Here.

Because in only two weeks, I am taking a group of students to this beautiful city in order to see show after show (hopefully). I have been swimming through logistics and planning and managing details (not my favorite things). While at the same time, I am getting more and more excited to be there, to explore, to be with dear friends (one being the Dearest), and to see shows that will take my breath away.

Good things, but feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

Still sober. Still going. Still happy to be sober.

Day 213, ollie ollie oxen free!

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