Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Archive for the month “October, 2015”

Oh, Guh-Ross!

Day 144, Happy Halloween!

p.s. For the record (and the win), this is a legit cuddle happening here. The octopusocks are mine.

p.p.s. I’m not actually grossed out by Halloween, or cuddles for that matter. I just like dorky mathings.

One Wild & Crazy Gal.

It’s Friday night and I’m feelin’ alright.

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Had a pretty good night with the babes. Found myself saying ‘yes’ to most of the activities they proposed: Play-dough; Dance party; Inside Out; Tubbie; Books; etc. It has been a nice night overall.

And now? I’m here.

Blogging.

Because that’s how I roll…

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In other news this week, I’ve been trying to figure out this whole ‘twitting’ thing (I jest). First, I keep laughing at myself because I realize I’m a good 10 years late to the party, but hey. Better late than never. As I explore, I’m getting a bit more adventurous and looking further into people’s profiles – specifically sober people’s profiles and feeds. It’s interesting and humbling when I actually figure out how to do it. *smile*

My current favorite intrigue on Twitter is The Rooms Project @throomsproject Have any of you looked into this or heard of this project before? Their main Twitter page alone is just awe-inspiring. I want to dive into every story and learn more and more!

I’m finding authors and other bloggers and writers from all over the place in the TweetWorld, which is so cool to think we’re SO close to one another with just a few quick keystrokes. (And yes, I know you and I are only a few bytes away from one another, but us bloggers, we’re invested in one another. We are here for the long haul, my dear brothers and sisters. We read far more than the standard 140-character tweets. We are the 5-course meal to the Twits’ 2 carrot sticks and a diet Coke.)

Oh, whoops. I just lost all of my Twitty followers by that droll comparison… But anyway!

Granted, my teenaged students discovered this interconnected, technological wonder-world when they were 8 years old (at the oldest – I’m being kind to myself), but seriously. How cool. I tweeted Sarah Hepola awhile ago (Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget) and was almost instantly responded to. I have a good friend who tweets authors regularly. I’m going to have to start doing that. Asap. (I just pronounced that ‘a sap’ in my head instead of the usual ‘AaaaaSap’, and it made me giggle (And I’m not even drinking, people! (It really is Friday night, isn’t it?)))

Right. Well, along with discovering other cool people and organizations, I’m trying to figure out what exactly to twit. I know for certain it is connected and about my sobriety and recovery, but I’m trying to figure out what exactly to say, so I’m experimenting. Testing the electronic waters, if you will.

So, yesterday, while on Twitter, I had the thought – How many days did I waste drinking? Here’s what I found once I did all the math….

Heya, Monster@heyamonster
Est. 5 hours/day/week = 1820 hours/year x 15 years = 27300 hours = 1137.5 days Wow.

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???

Do you see what I see? One-thousand, one-hundred and thirty-seven point five mother fucking days!!! And that is a low-ball estimate. I didn’t include the all-day drinks, the all-day hangovers, the all-night parties, nor the binges that sometimes started at noon.

GAH.

Over three YEARS of my life have been lived drinking, tipsy, drunk, blacked out, and/or ridiculously uninhibited (to the point on many occasions, I wish I had had some inhibitions). That’s a lot of Time.

Thank goodness I figured it out when I did. Like right now? I have 4.7 months back. 4.7 months that have been completely mine – the good, the bad, the ugly, the stunning, the frustrating, the inspiring, etc., and all of them, every moment has been mine! Clear and present to what the world gives me.

Day 143, Ordinary Reality is Extraordinary.*

A Sober Supper.

Well? The sober supper went well last night. We got to the church (where the AA group is hosted) relatively early.

My main trouble was in the first ten minutes we were sitting at a table, one of the few people there came up to me and ‘Godded’ me. Ugh. First, the assumption that I don’t have a belief system in place. Second, the God-push really drives me nuts and has turned me off from other rooms in the past several months. I appreciate the guy’s interest in helping me, absolutely. But in the first ten minutes? How about you wait for the dessert and bad coffee? Or, I know, learn my name and a little bit about me? I see the guy’s devotion and eagerness for the program, so again, I appreciate that. But Whoa, Dude. Dial it back a notch.

Once the Goddy-ness subsided, the kids were happy and munched on a bunch of food. We had a pretty nice first hour as a family enjoying dinner – first the kids and then the hubs and myself. I organized us to eat in shifts thinking some adults would join us and visit, but no one did, so the hubs and I had our dinner together while the kids played under the table and ate Oreos.

The spread was nice (lasagna). The people were friendly, even if they didn’t sit with us.

Oh, yum.

Oh, yum.

As the dinner hour went on, the hubs and I kept waiting for the sitter to get into the kids’ room so that we could socialize, but she wasn’t there and she wasn’t there. We were under the impression she was going to watch the whole time, but I guess it makes sense (in retrospect) that she was there primarily for the speak-portion of the night. So, yep. Got the kids in the kids’ room finally, and then the speaker kicked in. He seemed pretty strong. He was very conscientious of leaving us with a practical message, which? We missed. About twenty-five minutes into the talk, I heard my boyo howling down the hallway, so I ran out and got him, and then brought him back in to listen to the speaker. He was okay for about ten more minutes, so then the hubs went out into the lobby area with the two babes (the girlio had left the sitter by that time, too), and I stayed to listen. But? I just felt guilty making him wait. So? After a couple more minutes, I decided it was just time to go. Grabbed our coats and walked out to them. As I left, the speaker said, “Scared another one away.”

And I really wanted to punch his fucking lights out.

Ska-Pow!

Ska-Pow!

The reason why I clicked into his talk was because he led with the observation of all the kids in the room, and how great they were there, and how great it was that we were there for Them, as well as for Ourselves. What a gift it was to our kids that we were in those walls, attending those meetings, doing the work. And then for him to make some snide comment (the ‘tude was there in his voice), after he could see how hard the hubs and I were trying to stay invested and listening throughout, even with the disruptions…. Fuck me. I guess I’m angry. And resentful? There’s some Big Book stuff on that. I just thought it was hypocritical. Blah.

At any rate, I did have a good time the majority of the evening. The two bros I had identified last week as being the most intimidating, were actually the two people who ended up chatting with the hubs and I, which was a really nice surprise. They make me want to go back today and visit the regular meeting. (The speaker from last night is not a regular member of the Sunday meeting, I don’t think, p.s.) So those two connections were nice surprises.

Alright. The anger is gone. Hope you’re all well.

Day 138, First Sober-Sponsored Event? Check.

Seeing Red.

Psyche!

I’m not angry. I’m not hostile. I’m not even a little bit perturbed. A total one-hundred percent fake-out.

Here’s what I really mean…

Red & Violet? Why yes, please!

            Red & Violet? Why yes, please!

Yesterday was Friday, and for the first time in a long while, it really felt like a Friday. *lesigh* I got my hair all done-up fancy at the salon after work, and then helped run the box office with a few friends for a show in Uptown. It was just a good ol’, nice day. Again, *lesigh*

*smile*

And now, today? The hubs and I get to be with the babes all day (hoo-rah!), and I am thinking with the grey skies, it might be the perfect day to venture out to the movie theatre for a little Halloween fun in Hotel Transylvania 2.

Then, after that, we will head to a free Italian dinner hosted by the new AA group I hit last Sunday. The idea is totally freaking me out inside, but I am trying to remain cool, calm, and collected and just go to the damn thing and see how it goes. Put aside expectations, and just see what it’s about. Eep! In spite of my best efforts to appear unfazed, I am anxious. But? I know it will be a safe space. Yes, all people the hubs and I don’t know. But? Hopefully good food, and if not? At least it’ll be free! Plus, every time this AA group meets, they provide free childcare, so I’m hoping the babes will have a little out-of-the-ordinary fun with some new kids. I’ll keep you posted how it goes.

Lastly, that frustration and anger and general hostility I was feeling for the last several weeks has lifted quite considerably. I am not resenting my sobriety any longer, which is a huge relief. Several times in the past few days, I’ve found myself driving past a liquor store, or noticing people drinking in a movie, or reading about it in a book, and I have actually asked myself, “Is this pissing me off right now?” And each time, my answer has been, “Uh… Nope! It doesn’t. La-di-dah!” … Seriously. Nigh and Day-different from just five days ago. *lesigh*

Day 137, Feeling good. (And lookin’ good!)

19 October.

Good morning.*

I am back in my Cities with my family and my cat. My dad is recovering well, which gave me enough motivation to send me back home. He got out of the hospital yesterday and is settling into his BearCave downstairs. The real concern the last couple of days (and still somewhat is a concern) was his hemoglobin production. He hit a level the doctor was comfortable with, so good news. And now, they are monitoring him to make sure any bleeding (ulcers) doesn’t reoccur, so that is also good news. Considering where he was a week ago, this moment in time is a huge improvement.

Once I got home, I decided I needed to hit a meeting, since I was still feeling like I was white-knuckling sobriety quite a bit. I went to a new meeting (new to me) yesterday, and found myself really enjoying it. I told my hubs and parents that I happened to sit next to a very acerbic gentleman, which for whatever reason, I always just really dig. Acerbity. It’s a funny combination with someone so chipper and perky as myself, but yep. I just really dig acerbic people. Always have. … The meeting itself was a Big Book meeting, but it was run in a way I hadn’t come across before. After each paragraph, people were allowed to chime in about what the passage meant to them. There was a cap of 3 shares per stop, as well as a limit of 2 minutes per share. It made the reading take on more shape and energy because the group was discussing the messages Right Now, as opposed to checking-in around a circle after the reading was complete. (I do think the read-and-respond template of most AA meetings is a little ridiculous considering all of the awesome possible templates we could be stealing from engaging classrooms (Says the teacher.).) I liked the energy fueled around the discussion, and the way people tagged in. I also really appreciated the strict time limits. They were enforced, which was kind of cool to see. I could tell people cared about the meeting and about the work. I felt like I was in good hands. I told the hubs I would like to go back next week. So good stuff.

In other news, it’s my boyo’s first day of preschool today. I stayed home to take him in with the hubs and daughter, and it was just really sweet. He’s been hankering to get to school the past two months, but he’s been too young. He turns 3 tomorrow, so today’s the day! He picked out his R2 shirt and his sister wore her R2 shirt too, so I know that made hubs happy.

Sobriety-wise, I finished Sarah Hepola’s Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget. Check it out here. I was SO moved. Some of you may have seen earlier when I read Ann Dowsett Johnson’s Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol (here), and while I really connected with DJ’s story and research into the phenomena of women and their booze, I found MY story in Hepola’s. Hepola’s timeline is a more similar to my own, and her generational references are mine as well. Her honesty resonated with me, as did her fascination and devotion to drink. I found her avoidance of her alcoholism, as well as her staunch internal denial to recognize that anything was wrong really echoed my internal thoughts these past four years. I highly recommend both books to anyone who wants camaraderie along this sober journey. However, if you are at the tail end of the X-Gens like I am, then I recommend you pick-up Hepola’s book first. Her words truly illuminate many of the dark corners and places alcohol has led so many of us.

Alright, folks. Time to get my ass to work. We’ll see if the rest of me follows, but there it is. *smile*

Day 132, Happy Monday.*

p.s. Just noticed I’m feeling a little lighter today…. Like I’m not just holding onto a cliff with my fingernails in this minute. Maybe a sign that doing the work to stay sober is more than just not drinking? YaYa… Bill Waterson's Calvin & Hobbes

I’m Here.

And I’m sober.

So that’s good.

i-am-here

Things in my little world have felt whirlwind-crazy for the past 5 weeks or so. In a quick nutshell-type blurt: Work has taken over almost everything and I’m not even directing yet; The administration change has everyone (including me) on edge and on our toes; My babes were both sick for two weeks; I was sick for two weeks, but still had to meet a ton of external expectations and deadlines; I’ve been white-knuckling my sobriety for about 3 weeks and feeling just pissed and angry about it most days; I’m worried with the seasonal change that I am feeling more depressed and anxious; And the biggest news is that my dad is in the hospital with bleeding ulcers and pneumonia.

That’s a shit-tonne, people. … Jeez. My eyelid is twitching right now just thinking about the list above.

Here’s the follow-up to all of that as I sit quietly in my parents’ front room, listening to the classic music station, and finally checking-in here after way too long…

  • Work things – administrative deadlines, etc. – seem to have been mostly met and finished. I’m in a good place now to prep for my shows coming up in about two weeks. So that’s good. I feel like my feet are under me again.
  • Regarding the new regime, well, that can’t be fixed. Like most of my coworkers, I am just slogging through and trying not to catch too much attention (always a hard challenge for a theatre person).
  • Babes are healthy again, and my youngest is looking forward to turning 3 on Tuesday. He can’t wait, because he will start preschool this Monday and celebrate his birthday all on the same day. I’m excited for him. He’s so eager to get to school and be like his big sister.
  • I am finally better, too. I had a virus that just kicked my ass day after day for two weeks. It was different from the kids – I’m so glad they didn’t have what I had. Man, did it suck. Plus, with everything happening at work, it made everything about 10 times as difficult.
  • Sobriety is still in effect, but again, does it suck the big one right now. I am angry, hostile, and pissed off about it. I know a lot of it has to do with not having time to be Here and connecting with all of You. So, it’s nice to show my face again. I’ve missed you and I’ve missed your wise words and ways. I haven’t had a drink, but I have probably considered it every day for the past 3 weeks. I have to say, it doesn’t make recovery very easy when my brain just wants to say ‘Fuck it!’ I haven’t. And I won’t. Not today.
  • The bipolarismness is being addressed. I’ve been worried my meds aren’t working mood-wise, especially with the exacerbation of the loss of sunlight, so my psych upped my dose slightly yesterday. We’ll see if that helps. I’m just feeling low. I realize I’ve had a lot of shit going on this past month, so it is entirely possible it’s just Life that’s got me down, but I’d love to have the weight I feel on top of me lifted a bit. Being a functional alcoholic in my memory feel a lot like being a functional depressive without the ‘added bonus’ of forgetting and hiding on a daily basis. It’s just hard. And difficult. And I’d like some relief.
  • For my dear PapaBear, he was rushed to ICU on Tuesday night with bleeding ulcers. He had been sick for two days and thought it was the flu, but then at Urgent Care, they did some tests and discovered his white count was high, he was throwing up blood and had been for the past day and a half, and his blood pressure was incredibly low. In ICU, they were able to cauterize his lesions and gave him a transfusion, which raised his blood pressure significantly. While he was there, they also discovered he had pneumonia (probably explains the white cell rise), and have been putting him through his paces with a monstrous nebulizer every four hours, as well as other exercises. I drove the 5 hours north to be here with him and Mom, and I’m so glad I did. Just being in the same room with him after hearing about all that was happening to him feels so comforting. I’ll be here for another day or two, and we’ll see how his recovery is going. I’m happy to say he doesn’t have any pain, which is amazing. His body has just been put through the wringer. It needs time to rest and heal.

And that, my friends, is what is going on with Me. Over the next day or two, I am going to be reading your blogs, so be warned. *smile* Comments are a’comin’.

Day 129; Hour 3,104; Minute 186,283; Second 11,177,011… I’ve missed You.

Workin’ It.

I’ve been feeling that itchy feeling again just under my skin. The itchy feeling that brings thought of that stupid word ‘moderation’ and wishful thinking about being a normal drinker. Then, I realized yesterday I hadn’t done any real sober connecting in almost a week.

So? I made some time and dove into some of your blogs and reconnected with my Network of Awesome here. *sighofrelief* And then, thanks to Sober Courage’s latest post, I discovered the documentary The Anonymous People, and started watching it right away. The film was just what I needed. Men and women with years and decades of sobriety under their belts. After reaching out and connecting, I am feeling so much less alone and less woe-is-me. Phew!

Day 114, thanks Universe.

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