When I was a teenager and a new driver, my best friends and I would frequently visit a nearby town. In those journeys, I learned that my best’s grandfather would call pit stops or bathroom breaks ‘Comfort Stops.’ And so, we would frequently make Comfort Stops ourselves, just to explore, to look around, to be silly, and sometimes to seek actual comfort. *smile*
In the past eight days, I have been desperately seeking comfort in whatever ways I possibly could. Reaching out to all of you was scary, but I am so glad I did. Your responses and your care bolstered me, even though I did not have the energy nor the words to thank you at the time. Please know you gave me strength, particularly in seeing the good of my sobriety inside this shitstorm. I had thought my boss had stolen that from me, but your reminders helped me hold onto the good, and not allow him to take that accomplishment from me. I keep telling myself, ‘He’s not worth it. He’s not worth throwing my sobriety away. He’s not worth that first drink.’ And truly, he is not.
The community of love and support has flooded my life. Alumns, families, parents, friends, my family ….. It is all so incredibly humbling. Their words, their empathy, their kindnesses…. Who would have ever thought that my word for the year – Kindness – would appear in the ways it has this week. Emails, hand-written letters, tons of texting, phone calls, flowers, food, and sosososo many hugs…. And tears. There is so much good in the world. And although one small person is creating this big event in my life, I know that I am surrounded by an even bigger entity than him – a family, which was nurtured and created these past 15 years. They are all so amazing.
An update on the week …. I thought last Friday was one of the worst days of my life, but I was wrong. Monday happened, but then because of Monday, Tuesday happened – which was Worse. And then, out of nowhere, Wednesday happened, which is my mind was the absolute WORST. Throughout this entire experience, I believe my boss has treated me atrociously. I have not been shown a modicum of respect, nor have I even been treated humanely. Seriously. The hoops I have had to jump through, and the fear that has heightened inside of me because of this treatment has made this loss far more painful than I ever thought possible.
However? Yesterday, I didn’t cry. I sang my butt off in the car as loud as I could (Indigo Girls), and because I can’t sleep, I wake up early and curl my hair and watch silly, wonderful movies (Nottinghill), and I sing at work, and I find ways to use my hands – power tools not excluded, and I eat food that makes me happy, and I say ‘yes’ to being with people – in real life, or at the very least in real time, and that has made all the difference. (Sorry to steal your line, Robert Frost.)
Day 305, Feeling all the love.*