Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Archive for the month “April, 2016”

Monster 101.

Just a quick check-in from, blue, furry, li’l ol’ me.

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It’s actually my 101st post – can you believe it? I can’t. To quote a cliche, it feels like only yesterday when I started this whole ding-dang thang.

News updates: I’ve got some job applications floating out in the world, with my eye on getting at least twice as many out there by the end of next week.

I continue to be monstrously (teehee) busy with my current job. Lots of hours spent with my students, which is where I want to be, while on the other side of the equation is a little bitterness that 1. It will be ending soon; 2. That this work (and the work of my coworker and dear friend) has never really gone recognized by the people that be; and 3. A nagging anxiety of losing This. This amazing, precious thing I have.

But? I continue to be Here. Sober. And taking Life by each minute. And so far? That’s working out. Not easy, but happening.

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And doing my best to stay connected with you and your updates. It really does me some Good when I can just sit and check-in with where You are. Truly, it does. Even if I can’t respond, I am so happy following your adventures. Keep ’em coming, sober, happy (and some not) people. Which then puts this song into my head immediately…

Shiny Happy People

Day 316, Grover is my Spirit Muppet.

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Comfort. Stop.

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When I was a teenager and a new driver, my best friends and I would frequently visit a nearby town. In those journeys, I learned that my best’s grandfather would call pit stops or bathroom breaks ‘Comfort Stops.’ And so, we would frequently make Comfort Stops ourselves, just to explore, to look around, to be silly, and sometimes to seek actual comfort. *smile*

In the past eight days, I have been desperately seeking comfort in whatever ways I possibly could. Reaching out to all of you was scary, but I am so glad I did. Your responses and your care bolstered me, even though I did not have the energy nor the words to thank you at the time. Please know you gave me strength, particularly in seeing the good of my sobriety inside this shitstorm. I had thought my boss had stolen that from me, but your reminders helped me hold onto the good, and not allow him to take that accomplishment from me. I keep telling myself, ‘He’s not worth it. He’s not worth throwing my sobriety away. He’s not worth that first drink.’ And truly, he is not.

The community of love and support has flooded my life. Alumns, families, parents, friends, my family ….. It is all so incredibly humbling. Their words, their empathy, their kindnesses…. Who would have ever thought that my word for the year – Kindness – would appear in the ways it has this week. Emails, hand-written letters, tons of texting, phone calls, flowers, food, and sosososo many hugs…. And tears. There is so much good in the world. And although one small person is creating this big event in my life, I know that I am surrounded by an even bigger entity than him – a family, which was nurtured and created these past 15 years. They are all so amazing.

An update on the week …. I thought last Friday was one of the worst days of my life, but I was wrong. Monday happened, but then because of Monday, Tuesday happened – which was Worse. And then, out of nowhere, Wednesday happened, which is my mind was the absolute WORST. Throughout this entire experience, I believe my boss has treated me atrociously. I have not been shown a modicum of respect, nor have I even been treated humanely. Seriously. The hoops I have had to jump through, and the fear that has heightened inside of me because of this treatment has made this loss far more painful than I ever thought possible.

However? Yesterday, I didn’t cry. I sang my butt off in the car as loud as I could (Indigo Girls), and because I can’t sleep, I wake up early and curl my hair and watch silly, wonderful movies (Nottinghill), and I sing at work, and I find ways to use my hands – power tools not excluded, and I eat food that makes me happy, and I say ‘yes’ to being with people – in real life, or at the very least in real time, and that has made all the difference. (Sorry to steal your line, Robert Frost.)

Day 305, Feeling all the love.*

 

FKCK.

Or, in layman’s terms: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

I have just edited my first draft/post because I am that worried about my current situation – and I’m ANONYMOUS.

Without giving any details… I truly thought Friday was the worst it could possibly be. There was solace that I had made it through that day, so then I can make it through most anything. But then today shows up and tricks me, because nope! There is a ‘Worse-Yet’ scenario to this shit-show. And I can’t even tell you what it is because I am so scared of upper management repercussions, I don’t feel comfortable writing about it in vague terms here.

I cannot believe this. I am writing because I want to connect with all of you and vent my frustrations, but I can’t even give them words for fear of repercussions. And did I mention? I’m ANONYMOUS.

Gah. I feel like…. I have no words.

Am I crazy? I feel like I’m going fucking crazy. I know I’m in theatre, but I really cannot stand real-life drama. Truly. I can’t. This is above and beyond anything I have experienced before. I am being Systematically. Shut. Down.

And?

It’s Day 300. Part of me is so angry that this happened today of all days. They have stolen my grieving process, they’ve stolen my voice, and they have stolen one small bit of joy I have been looking forward to for 299 days.

I am ready for the shit to stop being shitty.

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I would love to be saved right now.

Free Fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s where I am right now.

 

 

Just falling.

 

 

I lost my job today.

*punch*

Well, I lost the chance at renewing my contract for next school year.

I’m heartbroken. Sad. Mad. Thankful not to have to wonder.

I feel still and anxious all at the same time.

My stomach will not settle down. It feels like it’s in an everlasting flip.

So much I don’t know. Where will I be? Will I be enough? Will I find something?

And then, moreso, on top of it all…. What about these kids? My students? My community? All of whom I’ve fought for and created and envisioned and worked SO HARD for. I’m asked to walk away from my Heart. The reason why I breathe. Truly. It is the most amazing job vocation calling. It is what I am meant to do and to be.

I walked in completely ignorant. A college grad (22!) and was just launched into this world of education and creativity. The more I learned, the more I loved. I am established. I am confident. I am doing the best work I’ve ever done. Truly. I can say that with confidence. I am building relationships and working on committees to create community and safe spaces, all while challenging the world and its isms. And I’m being asked to leave. Gah! I am just hurt and crushed. In shock. In pain.

 

 

 

And I am so so sad.

Day Something, I’m still sober. More later. I’m still sober. Before I would have drank these tears away, but today I just keep crying them, and it hurts so much.

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