Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

I’m Here.

And I’m sober.

So that’s good.

i-am-here

Things in my little world have felt whirlwind-crazy for the past 5 weeks or so. In a quick nutshell-type blurt: Work has taken over almost everything and I’m not even directing yet; The administration change has everyone (including me) on edge and on our toes; My babes were both sick for two weeks; I was sick for two weeks, but still had to meet a ton of external expectations and deadlines; I’ve been white-knuckling my sobriety for about 3 weeks and feeling just pissed and angry about it most days; I’m worried with the seasonal change that I am feeling more depressed and anxious; And the biggest news is that my dad is in the hospital with bleeding ulcers and pneumonia.

That’s a shit-tonne, people. … Jeez. My eyelid is twitching right now just thinking about the list above.

Here’s the follow-up to all of that as I sit quietly in my parents’ front room, listening to the classic music station, and finally checking-in here after way too long…

  • Work things – administrative deadlines, etc. – seem to have been mostly met and finished. I’m in a good place now to prep for my shows coming up in about two weeks. So that’s good. I feel like my feet are under me again.
  • Regarding the new regime, well, that can’t be fixed. Like most of my coworkers, I am just slogging through and trying not to catch too much attention (always a hard challenge for a theatre person).
  • Babes are healthy again, and my youngest is looking forward to turning 3 on Tuesday. He can’t wait, because he will start preschool this Monday and celebrate his birthday all on the same day. I’m excited for him. He’s so eager to get to school and be like his big sister.
  • I am finally better, too. I had a virus that just kicked my ass day after day for two weeks. It was different from the kids – I’m so glad they didn’t have what I had. Man, did it suck. Plus, with everything happening at work, it made everything about 10 times as difficult.
  • Sobriety is still in effect, but again, does it suck the big one right now. I am angry, hostile, and pissed off about it. I know a lot of it has to do with not having time to be Here and connecting with all of You. So, it’s nice to show my face again. I’ve missed you and I’ve missed your wise words and ways. I haven’t had a drink, but I have probably considered it every day for the past 3 weeks. I have to say, it doesn’t make recovery very easy when my brain just wants to say ‘Fuck it!’ I haven’t. And I won’t. Not today.
  • The bipolarismness is being addressed. I’ve been worried my meds aren’t working mood-wise, especially with the exacerbation of the loss of sunlight, so my psych upped my dose slightly yesterday. We’ll see if that helps. I’m just feeling low. I realize I’ve had a lot of shit going on this past month, so it is entirely possible it’s just Life that’s got me down, but I’d love to have the weight I feel on top of me lifted a bit. Being a functional alcoholic in my memory feel a lot like being a functional depressive without the ‘added bonus’ of forgetting and hiding on a daily basis. It’s just hard. And difficult. And I’d like some relief.
  • For my dear PapaBear, he was rushed to ICU on Tuesday night with bleeding ulcers. He had been sick for two days and thought it was the flu, but then at Urgent Care, they did some tests and discovered his white count was high, he was throwing up blood and had been for the past day and a half, and his blood pressure was incredibly low. In ICU, they were able to cauterize his lesions and gave him a transfusion, which raised his blood pressure significantly. While he was there, they also discovered he had pneumonia (probably explains the white cell rise), and have been putting him through his paces with a monstrous nebulizer every four hours, as well as other exercises. I drove the 5 hours north to be here with him and Mom, and I’m so glad I did. Just being in the same room with him after hearing about all that was happening to him feels so comforting. I’ll be here for another day or two, and we’ll see how his recovery is going. I’m happy to say he doesn’t have any pain, which is amazing. His body has just been put through the wringer. It needs time to rest and heal.

And that, my friends, is what is going on with Me. Over the next day or two, I am going to be reading your blogs, so be warned. *smile* Comments are a’comin’.

Day 129; Hour 3,104; Minute 186,283; Second 11,177,011… I’ve missed You.

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17 thoughts on “I’m Here.

  1. We’ve missed you, too! That sounds like a lot to handle — more than anyone should have to deal with in a short period of time. But it’s life, isn’t it? Messy and hard and wonderful and sad and joyful. It made me smile to read about your little one’s excitement to go to preschool; mine is six and I remember it like it was yesterday. Such a wonderful age.

    Congratulations on getting through such a tough period. Onward!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. riding on empty on said:

    I wondered where you went and was hoping you were just too busy enjoying sobriety to write. The best part of sobriety is you can get on with life. The worst part of sobriety is you have to get on with life. After the initial “buzz” of sobriety (3 months or so) it does sort of become routine and its easy to start to forget (1) how much being a regular drunk sucked and (2) how hard it was to get the sober car rolling. It’s easy to get pissed off because like an abusive old BF or GF, the bad memories fade but the “good ones” remain. 3+ months was right about when I let the good memories take over and am still struggling to get the car permanently rolling again. It really, really sucks when the stress of real life amps up and there’s no perceived release like “the good/bad old days.” Welcome to “recovery,” I guess. I’ve heard about that place, but haven’t visited. It’s a new phase and I think part of it is being pissed off that you can’t visit the land of alcohol anymore. There really shouldn’t be a return ticket. Recovery is a one-way ticket, right? Hope everything with the dad unit gets better. Being a parent and working full time and watching your parents get old sucks, but it would suck more if you were still getting hammered every night. Anyway, I blather. Chin up, Monster!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It’s always a shit-storm as opposed to a mild drizzle of pee on the parade, isn’t it?
    No problem with you being angry about not drinking, that’s a feeling and feelings are good. Just let it pass like you know it will. I probably don’t need to remind you (but I will anyway!!) how much better it is to deal with life’s problems sober as opposed to hungover/drunk. While I slog through my rough months here all I can think of is how shitty this would be if I was still drinking. I’m sorry about your dad, I hope he recovers quickly and well.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Untipsyteacher on said:

    Hi Sweetie!
    Yikes! You have had a LOT going on.
    I am VERY proud of you for not drinking.
    I have a lot of trouble with this time of year and loss of sunlight too.
    Hugs!!!!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hello! So good to hear from you!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Helloooo, thats one hell of a few weeks you’ve had to cope with, you should really give you the most enormous pat on the back, I’m so awsomely proud of you. Have missed you being on here x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Millie on said:

    Hi HM! nice to hear from you, sorry you’ve had a stressful time but happy to hear you survived it sober. Sending the best to your Dad. x

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Robert Crisp on said:

    Good to hear from you. Rest when you can, love on the kids, and take some naps this weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you so much.* Yes to the messy, hard, wonderful, sad, and joyful – Amen! And yesterday was great for my little boy. He took to school like a fish to water. So happy!

    Like

  10. Good to read your words (as always). Thanks for the jolt and realistic touchstones re. forgetting (1) and (2). To those I say, ‘Exactly!’ Let me know how things are going for you – I’m happy to help/listen anyway I can. And lastly, thanks for the thoughts for my daddio. He is doing MuchMuch better. Thank everything that is holy! Cheers, friend.*

    Like

  11. Oh, Betty. I Loved this! I shared it with my parents a few days ago, and we howled. Amen, sister. Afuckingmen to all of it. I hope your rough months are giving you some respite here and there. Sending encouraging ‘You can do it!’ thoughts back.* I’m here and sober, and so happy my dad is doing better. Phew!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Thank you, Wendy, and thank you for the kind words.* Things are looking up today, even if the sun seems to be headed down sooner and sooner every day. -HM.

    Like

  13. You are awesome.* Thank you! I’ve missed you, too!

    Like

  14. Millie! Hello, stranger.* Things are looking better today. Dad is on the mend. Thank you for all of your thoughts.*

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Robert, thank you.* Yes to the recommended list! Thanks. -HM.

    Like

  16. Thank ya!! Happy your dad is feeling better:)

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Pingback: 15 Miles to the Looooooooove Shack! | Heya, Monster.

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