Mind Messes
So far, so good.
My parents are here and things are going well. We’ve spent most of today together, which has been mostly nice. I feel my nerves getting a bit frayed due to the fact of too many like-people together in one space. … Do you know what I mean? I believe when two people are too similar, it actually causes more trouble, than if they are quite different. My mother and I are near identical as far as I can tell, and so. I am feeling a bit testy. … And my dad, who is usually pretty go-with-the-flow when we’re all together at their house, gets a little owly because of all the QFT (Quality Family Time). Well, that and not being able to duck out for a minute or two when he wants or needs the space.
With all this family dynamism, I am noticing the hubs being a gold-star player. He’s got my back a number of times, has helped out incredibly with the babes, and is just a yes-man in all ways. Very sweet. Very generous.
In the back of my mind, even though we’ve been together mostly during daytime hours, I have to admit feeling itchy just under my skin. We’ve talked a teeny bit here and there about my sobriety, and that has been great. My dad asked me how it’s going (I mentioned that yesterday), and my mom told me today how proud she is of me. And it feels nice to have ‘it’ all out and easy in the open, and yet. And yet…. I don’t know. Am I stressed because we usually go out after my shows and have a beer/wine and talk about the performance? We didn’t do that last night because the babes didn’t have a nap and needed to go straight to bed (i.e. 10:30 pm – Gah!). Am I stressed simply because I get stressed when my parents are here because I want them to be happy and feel calm and easygoing about the visit, and like they don’t have to worry about a thing, and look at me – their completely capable, nimble-minded, totally-awesome daughter anticipating all of their needs? I don’t do that. Ever. Usually we just coast along and figure out our day as we go…. And so often our days look the same as the ones we had together the last time they visited. …. Am I wishing we were just a bit more glamorous? Probably. Do I wish we did more things like festivals in parks and free art exhibits and walks in nature centers, even when it is in the 90s and not really the best day to do such things? Yes I do wish all those things.
Whose life am I comparing mine to?
Underneath all this tension, which comes with every visit, I have this niggling feeling of alcohol and …. something. I don’t know. …. Would I like to have a drink with them? Well, yes. Of course. I wish I could have a drink with anyone. But I can’t. I know I’m not a normal drinker. Not going to do that. …. Am I feeling self-conscious about this being the first time in front of them I’m actually me and sober? Yes. Definitely. …And I wonder why about that, too, because I am the best I’ve been in quite some time. Being in front of them, I expect, should feel love-ily, but I am feeling self-conscious…. Like there’s something on my nose or face and I can’t see it, but everyone else can. … Am I just projecting? Am I the one with the pseudo-problem? Probably. … I just can’t let go of the idea that there is this gigantic elephant in the room with us and everyone else is walking around it and pretending not to see it, resting their coffee cup on its knee even, and then there’s me shining my spotlight on it, setting off fireworks, and doing the can-can with it. (It’s a very talented elephant.) … But it’s all in my head of course. Seriously. The amount of time we have talked about my sobriety has totaled less than one minute. Less than sixty seconds.
…
Oh, dear lord.
Do I Want to talk about my sobriety with them?! Is that what all this is?! All this itchy-feeling-under-my-skin-stuff? …. Gah. I think it is. I want to hash it all out. I want to be honest with them more. I want to hear what they’re thinking. I want to really just talk it all out and get to the heart of it all. … Why couldn’t these thoughts happen first? …. My body is so weird sometimes!
Oh, Blog. Okay, um, thank you. You’ve set me straight yet again. Even just realizing what is under this tension has let my shoulders drop at least three inches. Maybe five. … I guess I do want to talk about it. With my parents. In person. …. So, okay. I will try and find the time for that tonight after the show. … Okay. We’ll see if it works out. If not? Back-up plan will be to talk with them when I go home for a visit with the babes in two weeks. I can wait that long, if need be. … Phew. Okay. Done and done … Planning, anyway. *smile*
Now time for another show.
Two side notes: 1. I am getting antsy to get to 60 days. This week I kind of lost track, but now that I realize where I am again, I would like the 6-0 to get here a bit faster. 2. I am reading Mrs. D Is Going Without and I am truly loving it. Her words and her directness are so engaging and reaffirming to my own experiences – even those prior to quitting alcohol. So many similarities. Grateful I found her.
Alright, the end. Ciao, Blogopolitans.*
Day 46, you sneaky devil.
Heya, Monster. 
Nice thinking.
Maybe you want to argue your side. Who knows.
Let things happen. If you have the urge to sys something, follow it and see what happens. You are with people you trust and love.
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I encourage you to tread lightly when telling the parents things about why you quit. It can open the door for saying more than you intended, and (I have) found yourself in a conversation you’re not ready for.
There’s no rush, you’re gonna be sober for a while, right? 🙂
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I agree with abbiegrrl, think it out a bit more and decide what you really want to communicate and what results you want. Own it bravely and proudly.
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I’ve had similar feelings of wanting to have deep conversation with my parents and other families, and my wife cautioned me…so I agree with the two previous comments. I’m trying to let life unfold as it will, which is turning out to be damn hard. I know the elephant-in-the-room syndrome, and it only helps me a little bit to recognize that I’m the only one paying attention to it. In my case, it’s not an elephant but a Jimmy Durante-like figure, doing a little soft-shoe…and drinking. Always drinking.
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Other family members, that is. I don’t to discuss my alcoholism with whole other families. Lord….
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HAVE to discuss my alcoholism! There’s no edit function! I’m leaving now. Carry on.
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Congrats on your day 46! :-). I find a lot of joy in reading your blog. 🙂
On feeling itchy, I read that differently, but that might be non-group-person in me who dislikes visitors. On speaking out, we have this saying in The Netherlands, it is very not polite but I’m guessing very, very true: visitors and fish stay fresh for 3 days. In Dutch is rhymes, so that’s makes it sound more true ;-). Just want to add that in because when speaking of difficult things you might want to take these group dynamics of OD-ing on eachother and slowly getting irritated with after 2,5 days into consideration. But hey, maybe I am projecting ;-D
xx, Feeling
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I would say if that they are lovely peeps (which it sounds as if they are, given their initial reaction to it) then they are probably following your lead on how much to reference it. and so that’s up to you.
oh and totally remember the wanting to talk about it AND not wanting to talk about it at exactly the one and the same time. for me that feeling hit round about 50 days too which happened to co-incide with the hullaballoo of an extended family Christmas – oh, deep joy indeed. so at least you are doing this without festive expectations at the same time!
talk/don’t talk… your call…. and expect whichever you do it will be FINE. oh, and whichever, it will be easier next time. promise. xx
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To all of you, I am overwhelmed and grateful for your responses! Woooooow! …. I will write a response/follow-up later today and fill you in on what all happened (Spoiler = It was Good!). Love.*
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Pingback: Mind Messes Follow-Up | Heya, Monster.
So happy to say all went well. I definitely have leanings to share too much too quickly, but something in the ether kept me in perfect balance Saturday night. … Regarding what I shared, even though it was some of the ugliness and scariness behind why I chose sobriety, it wasn’t shameful. I thought it would be because I find my actions so sad and shame-worthy, but sharing them with my parents somehow took the shame away. It put my actions and choices in the past, rather than the present. Such a beautiful surprise.
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Thank you, SB.* If you look to see what I just wrote to abbiegirl, you will see a little more than my follow-up post.
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You make me laugh. Hee.
As for the whole dealio, if you see what I wrote back to abbiegirl, you will see a little more than just my follow-up post. Thank you so much for connecting on this moment in time – it was and is an important one to me.*
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Feeling, I love the saying – how do you write it in Dutch phonetically? I would love to learn it. …. As for the conversation, you saw that all went well. I wrote a little more to abbiegirl if you want to see one other thought about the night. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.*
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Prim, thanks so much for this. And yes exactly to wanting and not wanting to in equal parts. So true! All went beautifully.*
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I’ll check out the reply, thanks. Hope you’re well today.
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That’s great!! It sounds like you’re making some very good choices. 🙂
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🙂 Bezoek en vis blijven drie dagen fris. Phonetically that would be: bu(from bird)zook an fis(without the h) blay-fan dree dag(clear your throat thoroughly and that would be the ‘g’)an frish. 🙂 Pretty impossible. Dutch pronounciation is strange.
I’m happy the stayover went so well. 🙂
xx, Feeling
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