So far, so good.
My parents are here and things are going well. We’ve spent most of today together, which has been mostly nice. I feel my nerves getting a bit frayed due to the fact of too many like-people together in one space. … Do you know what I mean? I believe when two people are too similar, it actually causes more trouble, than if they are quite different. My mother and I are near identical as far as I can tell, and so. I am feeling a bit testy. … And my dad, who is usually pretty go-with-the-flow when we’re all together at their house, gets a little owly because of all the QFT (Quality Family Time). Well, that and not being able to duck out for a minute or two when he wants or needs the space.
With all this family dynamism, I am noticing the hubs being a gold-star player. He’s got my back a number of times, has helped out incredibly with the babes, and is just a yes-man in all ways. Very sweet. Very generous.
In the back of my mind, even though we’ve been together mostly during daytime hours, I have to admit feeling itchy just under my skin. We’ve talked a teeny bit here and there about my sobriety, and that has been great. My dad asked me how it’s going (I mentioned that yesterday), and my mom told me today how proud she is of me. And it feels nice to have ‘it’ all out and easy in the open, and yet. And yet…. I don’t know. Am I stressed because we usually go out after my shows and have a beer/wine and talk about the performance? We didn’t do that last night because the babes didn’t have a nap and needed to go straight to bed (i.e. 10:30 pm – Gah!). Am I stressed simply because I get stressed when my parents are here because I want them to be happy and feel calm and easygoing about the visit, and like they don’t have to worry about a thing, and look at me – their completely capable, nimble-minded, totally-awesome daughter anticipating all of their needs? I don’t do that. Ever. Usually we just coast along and figure out our day as we go…. And so often our days look the same as the ones we had together the last time they visited. …. Am I wishing we were just a bit more glamorous? Probably. Do I wish we did more things like festivals in parks and free art exhibits and walks in nature centers, even when it is in the 90s and not really the best day to do such things? Yes I do wish all those things.
Whose life am I comparing mine to?
Underneath all this tension, which comes with every visit, I have this niggling feeling of alcohol and …. something. I don’t know. …. Would I like to have a drink with them? Well, yes. Of course. I wish I could have a drink with anyone. But I can’t. I know I’m not a normal drinker. Not going to do that. …. Am I feeling self-conscious about this being the first time in front of them I’m actually me and sober? Yes. Definitely. …And I wonder why about that, too, because I am the best I’ve been in quite some time. Being in front of them, I expect, should feel love-ily, but I am feeling self-conscious…. Like there’s something on my nose or face and I can’t see it, but everyone else can. … Am I just projecting? Am I the one with the pseudo-problem? Probably. … I just can’t let go of the idea that there is this gigantic elephant in the room with us and everyone else is walking around it and pretending not to see it, resting their coffee cup on its knee even, and then there’s me shining my spotlight on it, setting off fireworks, and doing the can-can with it. (It’s a very talented elephant.) … But it’s all in my head of course. Seriously. The amount of time we have talked about my sobriety has totaled less than one minute. Less than sixty seconds.
Oh, dear lord.
Do I Want to talk about my sobriety with them?! Is that what all this is?! All this itchy-feeling-under-my-skin-stuff? …. Gah. I think it is. I want to hash it all out. I want to be honest with them more. I want to hear what they’re thinking. I want to really just talk it all out and get to the heart of it all. … Why couldn’t these thoughts happen first? …. My body is so weird sometimes!
Oh, Blog. Okay, um, thank you. You’ve set me straight yet again. Even just realizing what is under this tension has let my shoulders drop at least three inches. Maybe five. … I guess I do want to talk about it. With my parents. In person. …. So, okay. I will try and find the time for that tonight after the show. … Okay. We’ll see if it works out. If not? Back-up plan will be to talk with them when I go home for a visit with the babes in two weeks. I can wait that long, if need be. … Phew. Okay. Done and done … Planning, anyway. *smile*
Now time for another show.
Two side notes: 1. I am getting antsy to get to 60 days. This week I kind of lost track, but now that I realize where I am again, I would like the 6-0 to get here a bit faster. 2. I am reading Mrs. D Is Going Without and I am truly loving it. Her words and her directness are so engaging and reaffirming to my own experiences – even those prior to quitting alcohol. So many similarities. Grateful I found her.
Alright, the end. Ciao, Blogopolitans.*
Day 46, you sneaky devil.