O regression, wherefore art thou?
First off, my favorite fact about WPS (William P. Shakespeare): Did you know the Shakespeare’s ‘O’ isn’t a literal ‘O’? The classic ‘O Romeo, Romeo…’ isn’t supposed to be said like ‘Oh, Romeo…’ Nope. Anytime an ‘O’ is written into a line, it’s a cue to the actor an emotional/emotive vocalization should be made. A sound. So in the classic balcony scene, Juliet might sigh or giggle or breathe in and make a frustrated wanting-sound. So many options. I love it. I love how Shakespeare stretches through time and still engages with us to create something new between him and the actor. So beautiful and exciting.
Second, ‘wherefore’ does not mean ‘where.’ (You probably know this one.) It means ‘why.’ Why are you Romeo, Romeo? Why do you have to be Romeo? A Montague? My family’s enemy? And in my latest production, a woman, which goes against my family’s faith? All of that in one line. Again, so beautiful and exciting.
Whereas, sobriety is not always…. Beautiful nor Exciting.
It’s work. …. Which I have kind of forgotten about. It seems to be a trend in my life. Trust when things are going well and don’t worry about them (because there are a million other things to worry about anyway, so worry about those), and then when I’m not looking, crashboombang! It all comes tumbling down in one arena of my life (or several arenas). Last summer it was my marriage. Rectified. Patched up. Renewed. Feeling okay and trying to keep my eye on that one.
This summer/past fall, winter, spring? My sobriety.
Yep. Super Regression! Cue wind to blow my hair and cape back behind me. Here I come to not save the day…..
Lots of regression. Heaps. Loads. And I’ve found myself in a rut. A quagmire. (I don’t know if I’ve ever used that word before. Fun.)
Well, okay, so definitely slogging, but my mood has shifted a bit, if you can tell by my glib and charming tone.
Things I’ve lost track and/or sight of:
- The day-to-day work of sobriety.
- Checking in on the blog roll with friends who are sober or working on sober.
- Commenting on blogs of those friends and engaging.
- Writing anything myself, besides pressure cooker spills of steam, stress, and panic.
- Taking care of myself…. at all. (Sub-set follows.)
- Not reading good books/plays
- Not exercising
- Not eating well
- No good-good, down-to-our-bones-good family time
- No friend time
- No hubs time
- No time, really, in general
- Carried lots of resentment and hostility and stress around.
- All of my elevated cortisol levels are living in my enlarged gut. Boo.
Things I have done in spite of the shite this year and this summer/week:
- Taken vitamins and meds for 3+ years without missing any days (unless I was too sick to take anything…. Like when I had CHICKEN POX. On my BIRTHDAY.)
- Gone to the doctor over 20 times (not hyperbole) to try and get answers for my rapidly crazed heart and scary condition which affected me much of the year.
- Continued to do my job well. Seriously well. Amazing shows.
- Advocated for myself (loudly). Multiple times. And still am.
- Reached out to you all here this week good and proper-like.
- Said ‘yes’ to friends and saw two different groups this week. It was lovely. … And am (finally!) going to meet Wendy from Tipsy No More this coming week. Hoo-rah for us!
- Called and talked to my psych’s office 5 times this week. Got my meds altered to try and help me out of the morass.
- Called and got myself in to see my therapist to try and work through some of the crap I’ve been carrying around with me this year. Seeing her again next week to come up with an actionable plan to make this year better.
- Trying to say ‘yes’ to my kids a bit more the last few days. Includes swimming and relaxing, and dinners as a family when we can.
- Time with hubs is a few lunches out during the day, watching ‘Mad Men’ (only 4 episodes left to go!), and talking more.
- Baked a cake and might bake some cupcakes today. *smile*
I’ve finally picked-up Cheryl Strayed’s ‘Dear Sugar’ collection of advice articles, which was gifted to me by my best over a year ago, I think. However, it’s perfect that I picked up now, because I need to read and hear every word and phrase. It’s all about love and acceptance and being true to one’s self. I need those reminders right now. All of the reminders. So….
Why regression? Because it happens.
Why now? It’s been a tough year. (This needs to stop being my mantra. I need a new mantra. Any suggestions?)
Why am I having so much trouble? Because I keep holding onto it/the year, and I can’t move forward. Not even an inch, it feels. I’m so full of anger and resentment for what has been. And, if I’m honest, I’m reaaaaaaally angry and resentful about how it’s affected my life, health, and family. I am trying to take steps, but I really need to cut these ropes tethering me to this past year and finally get free of it all. That’s what I’ve really been realizing this week. Time to get on….. It’s time to shit or get off the pot. (My words, not Cheryl’s. (And also, mixed metaphors. Whoops.)))
It’s not so easy. But even though I’m not cutting the ropes clean, it seems I am starting to unravel them.
Day 1,144. One strand at a time. *plink*