Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

1 Step Forward

I feel like I am going backwards.

In my Life.

In my Career.

In my Sobriety.

I feel sorry for myself all of the time. Big, gigantic loads of self-pity. I don’t actually think the words ‘It’s not fair,’ but I definitely feel the idea again and again.

And I do my best to kick myself in the pants, to grab ye ol’  boote strappes and get myself up and at ’em and living life anyway….. But it’s the anyway that’s become the problem. And the life bit as I said above.

Boiled down…. My Life and my Career are integrally intwined, and I am not finding much joy anywhere in the mix. Part of it is my job has taken so much piss out of me this past year, that I am deflated, used up, and have lost all my confidence. It has affected all other areas of my life. I cannot make a decision with any sort of authority. I am constantly worried about pleasing other people in a way that hinges on obsessive, and am losing my identity in the process. I feel weak in my mental, emotional, and physical states….. I feel shitty and empty and not-whole and not Myself.

I’m bruised and hurting and unhappy. I keep reminding myself it takes time to heal, but then bigger questions loom. Is it too much for me – education and theatre? Have they taken their toll, which means maybe I will feel like this until I decide to get out? Should I decide? Do I go? What then?

…. So much of this dilemma comes from my year. I stated in no uncertain terms to the head of my school that it was the hardest year of my professional career. Harder, even, than the year I lost my job from a community I love dearly. I wrote those words and knew them to be true, but I didn’t realize until later the why. When I lost my job, I was surrounded by people and buoyed up with so much Love. Heaps and gobs and bundles of Love. Yes, I had had a huge blow dealt to every side of my heart, but this year, I had as much turmoil (a different kind of turmoil), but with no people to support me, no love. I was so alone.

And I still feel alone, because I don’t trust my school. I don’t trust I will be taken care of any differently than I was this past year. I made so much commotion, so much noise for someone to please take care of me. And they wouldn’t. And they didn’t. Not until the very last second. And by that time, I was so battered and beaten and physically hurt…. I was so loud. And yet, no one acted like they heard me. ….. I was so loud. I am so loud. About the way things are versus the way things should be. Being loud makes me feel vulnerable and even more alone. And I can’t shut up. I won’t shut up, but I also can’t. And it hurts.

With all the damage done to my confidence as a professional, as well as to my actual, physical heart (prolonged stress-induced), I feel like I am losing hold of my metaphorical heart as well. The joy and love I feel for theatre has diminished and been tarnished this year. It just feels like work. I still find good things in it, but overall, I don’t feel the same. It might, probably certainly, has everything to do with being intertwined with my full-time job/school…. And I find myself resenting putting in more hours to continue a program for the school. My compassionate self would remind me that it is My program I am working to build and continue….. But my practical self says I’m tired. I’m tired of working for an institution that won’t take care of me back.

My practical self also reminds me that things arrrreee changing. Slowly. A full-time designer and builder has been hired, which is fantastic. And monumental. Truly. But I’m so tired of fighting to be taken care of, I can’t seem to be happy with the changes that are happening. It makes me feel cynical, which I’m not usually. It makes me more tired because of the work and the fighting for it all. I resent it all, and that is not how this Monster operates. I feel stuck and sad and hopeless about what’s to come. How miserable do I look? A mopey, unhappy lump.

…. We’re still boiling down, folks. ….. My sobriety. Yep. Also going backwards.

I’m still sober, so it’s not that on a technical level.

I just…. All this resentment and hostility and sadness. I keep trying to combat it with what I did my first year – kindness to myself, no judgment, doing things that feel good and kind…. And it’s all just sort of a mess. I sink into a chasm of ‘The Great British Bake Off’ episodes, or start a cleaning project which leaves more of a mess than when I started, or I flounder around trying to find something that will make me feel good, but nothing does. I see my addictive tendencies all over my life and it’s driving me mad with spinning thoughts …. How many hobbies can I accumulate and then, never finish? How many friends can I burn one too many times and then lose? I’m just mad that I’m me most of the time.

I’m depressed. I do know that. Calling my doctor and therapist today.

I’m lonely. I do know that, too, and have hung out with some people this past week.

I’m tired and don’t want to do anything, but also feel like that’s the depression and also, that I don’t want to lose these precious minutes of summer vacation. And all I’m doing is watching them disappear, which makes me feel more sad and more resentful.

This is ridiculous. I’m ridiculous.

I remind myself I have it so good, and that I should be happy. That word ‘should.’ So harmful.

And me, your mopey monster…. I even feel guilty coming out from hiding to write you, because all I write is mopey drivel. ….. I’m thinking as a light in my distance, that I am going to focus some of my frustrated, unsatisfied, unhappy energies towards writing again. Both here (to reconnect with my sobriety and the work that goes with it) and outside so that I might really get something published. That’s the little glimmer of hope I have right now. It’s teeny. And hard to muster the energy to do the work to even take the first steps. That’s partially what this post is for – to get me going.

Day 1,140. Thank you.*

-HM.

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13 thoughts on “1 Step Forward

  1. mishedup on said:

    You know….
    maybe part of the coming back to writing is to find the connections here that support you.
    I think that was it for me, also recently returned.

    It’s hard when the thing that gives you most joy begins to wear on you. To not feel supported in your career is hard, you’re not crazy. And i get the whole “too little, too late” thing about the full time designer and builder.
    How can you turn that around? I’m not here to give you answers, god knows! Hah! But I always know when I am full of resentment that I have to write that shit down and then have someone help me with it. I find another member of AA, that’s my thing, but a therapist can work. And the work for me is to acknowledge that the situations shitty but to dig deep and see where I contribute to it….because until I do that I can’;t change a thing. If I’m just the victim, what can I do?

    Even as I write these words I am seeing some places in my own life that need looking into..am I willing? I usually have to be in enough pain…am I?
    Are you?

    Rilke talks about living the questions, not the answers. I think sometimes that is what inventory is…questioning it all and then allowing the answers to come.
    I often find answers appearing in meditation…maybe there is a meditation corse in your town you canning up for?

    IDK Monster…I do know the pain of unmet expectations and feeling unloved and unsupported…and I do know (bad news) that it’s on us to figure out a way to change that narrative.

    Ok. I will shut up now with all the unasked for advice.
    But know I support you, whatever you do. The beauty of this weird little tribe of imaginary friends and readers out on cyberspace.
    xo

    Liked by 6 people

  2. One of the reasons I love this platform is that there are no expectations. A true rarity in this earthly life. We love one another where we are. It’s a place to connect in an otherwise confusing world. Forward, backward, sidewards … there really is no direction. For me, I am learning it is all about stepping into something bigger each day and taming the “ego” within that is such a constant “a**hole.” Seriously, my lower self never serves me.

    “Good” is relative because no matter what we achieve or transcend, we always search for more. The challenge, for me, has been to learn to love myself as I grow. It’s messy. And then it’s beautiful. And then it’s messy again.

    Always great to see you post!

    Lisa

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love what Mishedup wrote! Yes, “this weird little tribe of imaginary friends,” goes along way to love and support you back (?) or forward to a place you’ve never been. I could feel your pain Heya, such a hard place to be. Been there. And it does take enormous amounts of energy, discipline and self-love to climb but know this: you absolutely, without a doubt will. You are not alone; it’s only part of the whole evil illusion. The gratitude list every morning- I know, I know, but it is a good thing to begin. Thank you for your honesty. You will help someone else to know they’re not alone. ❤

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Hey 👋
    I’m really sorry to hear you’re feeling so low, it’s a really shite place to be at.
    It is good tho that you are strong enough to look inside of yourself and see what it is that has been missing for you to end up feeling this way.
    The hole left by Being abandoned by those who aught to be listening and there for you is refillable but it may take time and lots of healing before you know where you are again.
    Take care, and I hope that the summer break will give you some space for you as it sounds like you have had an incredibly busy year with no time for you, and not enough time to support yourself. Could one of those you’ve been screaming silently at to be heard be yourself? Just a thought 💭

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hug.
    I hope writing this helped you out your feelings into word.
    Maybe the therapists can help you take those words and make them into actions.
    Perhaps it’s time for medication or a different medication. Depression is all consuming and very difficult.

    Keep writing. The love you need comes from all of us. Hopefully that can help, just a little.

    Love to you
    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Let’s meet! I’ll drive anywhere to meet you!!
    Email me at untipsyteacher@gmail.com
    I understand these feelings. Teaching is hard, and the schools don’t always support our hard work. In fact, there seemed to be no difference between the teachers that worked just their hours, and others who worked so hard!
    Depression in summer is something I understand. It seems as if the world is out having a great old time, and I am sitting in house too much. Heat doesn’t help, and its been hot here!
    Big hugs!!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I agree, the heat makes me crazy and this period before school starts again and we don’t want to waste it, but we’re still tired from spring…Aargh.

    Like

  8. Reading your thoughtful, kind, insightful advice, I find myself thinking, ‘Yes, yes, yes.’ I do need to reconnect with my people (and am both here and in the real world), I need to take steps both at work and personally (and am – show and class planning, therapist, psych, etc.). I am intrigued by the idea of meditation. I downloaded an app the other week, but have only done the first 2-minute meditation so far. *smile* ….. 48 hours can change a lot of things. Still feeling low, but taking steps which feeds the Hopeful side of things. Thank you so much, Mished.* Tender care – that is what you have gifted me. Love & so much Gratitude, -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you, Lisa. These are wonderful thoughts and aspirations. This latest spin has me more ready to look at ego…. I like how you said ‘taming.’ That is definitely what seems necessary sometimes. ‘Asshole’ is right, too. *smile* …. And loving ourselves – why is that so hard to do? Not in the ‘I don’t deserve to be’-sense, but just the simple act of loving. Being human is simultaneously so complex and idiotic so much of the time. *smile* Thank you for your encouragement, Lisa. I take it all to heart.* -HM.

    Like

  10. *flex* Thank you, Elizabeth. And yes, you are right. The (very) slow climb has begun.* -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Wow. Your last thought – Yes. A thousand percent yes. Right on the money. You are right, Feeling. Thank you.* ….And I like how you phrased the hole and needing to filled up again. So true as well. …. Thank you. For all of it.* -HM.

    Like

  12. I’m tearing up. Thank you, Anne.* And you’re right – writing did help. The process can be so cathartic and illuminating, because sometimes I write what I didn’t even know I thought. Does that make sense? Realizations occur during/because of/within the writing, when they don’t happen in just everyday life. … Seeing my therapist today, and spoke on the phone with my psych Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday and am going to try a new med. Nervous, but it’s necessary. …. *hug* back. -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. YES. It’s time. *smile* I would love that. I will connect today. …. Thank you, Wendy! -HM.

    Like

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