Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Stretched Thin.

Hello, my friends.

Just checking in, as I feel maxed out. There is a list of things I’m committed to – mostly positive, good things, that will help the department I inherited grow and develop. However, it is at least a full-time-times-two job, and high-expectations-me is down about being mediocre in many areas of my life (including momhood), because I just don’t have the time to regroup and get my shit together all at once.

Frustrating as I am not mediocre. And my work is not mediocre. But that is the impression I am leaving on some people.

Argh to that.

Missing time. Particularly time to nourish myself. And hell, I think that was the word I chose for the year. Well, word to the wise – I am totally fucking it up right now. Bah-humbug.

I find myself looking back at my sober journey, and I find in my first year, I was really good and just chilling out and relaxing and focusing on a therapeutic project (cross-stitch). Move into my second year, and I was just a focused beast. Scheduling and executing a million new things for my new job, but also feeling like I had time at home to love my family. This third year, I don’t know. I feel like I am spinning my wheels, but not really accomplishing anything really well. I’m overwhelmed with the amount of work I have in front of me, but then because of a new schedule, I have no time to prepare anything. I am consistently hanging onto my life by my fingernails.

I want the time I had in my first year for me. I want the friendships and solidness I felt in my second year. And I want my third year to be fruitful and satisfying.

At the mo? It’s not. WahWah.

Talking with my Dad today, I realize it is only my second year in the new gig, and I should give myself a three-year window to really feel acclimated. Trying to keep an open mind, but man, it’s tricky with the overwhelm that is a-happenin’.

Alright, vent curbed for the minute. *smile*

I miss you. Seriously. I’m a little lonely in my spinning world of spinning everything.

Day 868, Yep. Still goin’. But snail-like it seems.7027e103d1a4a079e6446af01ae96328--slow-down-snails

p.s. It felt really nice to stop in. …. Love.*

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3 thoughts on “Stretched Thin.

  1. We should all strive for honest mediocracy and let sparks of amazement happen.

    We can only give so much. You are doing great.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I experience sort of the same as you but without the family which obviously make a huge difference in me-time and responsibility – I am aware of that. Just this Monday I popped out of a months long depression which took me to very dark places. I do these things scrambling and then popping I believe (hope :-D). Looking back now I think to see that this is what happens if I do not take care of me. That it is the next lesson in Living; learning to take care. And that the overwhelm, the way too many working hours, the being too tired to do anything fun, the feeling ‘not enough’ is another rock bottom I ‘create’. Or more likely: if I follow my normal ways, this is where I end up. I have limited ability to take care of me, which is in the basis a trait of people with an addictive personality / people who have difficulties caring for their own boundaries and, as in my life, found that the pain that came with that is easier to deal with when drinking. (Which made sure of bad boundaries and so on and so forth….). Long story longer: I fear it is all the same thing, but in a different outfit.
    So what you are learning now, while maybe you did not notice:
    – You can lose your old job, be hurt about that and still move on (extremely quickly!!)
    – You can get a better job within no time and enjoy that.
    – You can work with a new team of people and be liked in no time (as I understood it)
    – You have the energy to put up fantastic/good/normal work and do so continously.
    – You can do ALL of that without falling back into destructive habbits of drinking.
    – You can do ALL of that while living, while being a mom and partner, family member
    – You can do ALL that and still be online so now and then and support people
    – You can do ALL that. And then… Life itself also happens. Because Life was never ok with tresspassing your own physical, emotional, energetic boundaries for a long time. Bodies and minds just do not work that way. And you are finding that out now and experiencing the pain. That is GOOD! Not drinking or drugging it away is GOOD. šŸ™‚

    Long story even longer and longer: I’m thinking you and I need to learn to take care of us.

    I am happy that you quit! šŸ™‚ Sending joyous hugs and cheering for you because no matter (well, obviously matter… šŸ™‚ ) but, well, I am thinking you and I are exactly where we need to be.

    Hope you can find something in this which helps you somewhere. ā¤

    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes, be kind to yourself. Teaching is crazy busy, and then being a mom and wife too, is REALLY busy!


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