Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Under the InFLUence.

Ugh.

Our household has been hit hard these past two weeks with sick of all kinds. The worst being the horrible, ugly, unrelenting Flu. (Go to hell, Flu.) Our sweet girl started the cycle, which then passed to her brother, then to me the past four and a half days, and has now found its way back to her. (Poor babe.)

So, as a sober adult, what can I tell you about the flu? It is a mind-altering, body-wrenching revisit to days of old.

First, let go on record without hyperbole, that this was probably the worst illness I’ve experienced as an adult. (I still shiver thinking our daughter went through this at all with her little body of muscles & bones.) Second, it lasted from Monday evening through to… About this morning really. My stomach is still tender.

I apologize for the specificity here, but even in the midst of my illness, I kept thinking to myself the audacity and stupidity of putting myself through hangover purges voluntarily and on a regular basis. (‘Regular’ as in once every week or two.) Stupid. Stupid. Stupid! It has been almost a year and a half since I’ve been sick like this, and the pain accompanying it all…. It all felt so familiar. In a horrible, nightmarish way, I felt like I was going back in time. The dizziness and disorientation. The aches. The tiredness and complete body fatigue. The ‘grey’ feeling that hangs around all day …. Usually until 5 pm when I would have had a drink to take the feeling away (NOTE: I did not drink to get rid of my flu symptoms. Not recommended.). The sweats and chills. The stink. The stomach churning. The brain fuzz. The feeling of Time pressing down like a dead weight just sitting on top of me. Minutes going by so slowly. Painfully, painfully slow. …. Just thinking about it all makes me feel gross.

Thankfully, as my mom pointed out, the Pavlovian guilt I was feeling off and on this week was only that – a learned behavior. The flu was 100% actual virus, and not induced voluntarily.

Looking back in time, why would I ever choose to POISON myself to the point of sick? … Okay, yes. Alcoholic. Yes. Little to no control. Yes it was about escape. … But wow. What a price I paid for it.

This jog down (gross, painful, miserable) Memory Lane has been illuminating, and a positive, but sore reminder of what I have gained by what I gave up.

Day 613, Ugh, but betterish.

snoopy

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14 thoughts on “Under the InFLUence.

  1. Oh that suuuuucks!! I haven’t *knocking on wood* had the intestinal flu since my 40th birthday- literally on the morning of. But I’ve had other illnesses since sobriety that remind me of a terrible HO and even then I thought THIS IS NOT AS BAD AS A HANGOVER. But it still sucks. Take care!! Glad you are over the worst. Don’t worry about this kids, they don’t have any nerve endings and it actually feels worse the older you get.

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  2. I hope you and the family are feeling better soon. I had a stomach bug after Thanksgiving, and a nasty sinus infection last month, both times I wondered, “why did I purposely make myself feel bad when I was drinking”, because now, I have no tolerance for feeling bad!

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  3. Oooh, nasty reminder of the olden days. Glad your are better now. At least well enough to write a blog to make my stomach turn while reading it. Ghegheghe, ooooh, yes, those days, I had forgotten about them. Thank you VERY MUCH for the reminder. Wishing you and your family good recovery. Sending virtual hugs – as in not to catch something too 😉
    xx, Feeling

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  4. Robert Crisp on said:

    You’re describing our family last week (all except my wife, somehow). While we didn’t have the flu, a horrible cold turned into pneumonia for me and my 10-year-old, who handled it like a champ compared to me. My five-year-old held up well, too, while I just moaned and complained a lot. I also thought about all the times I had hangovers and sickened myself by drinking more the next morning. In the mist of my legitimate illness–really, two years sober, and I wanted to call people and say, “Hey, this has NOTHING to do with drinking–I was grateful to be sober. Even with 102 fever and a cold cloth on my eyes, I was content in a way. Whew. I hope everyone in your family is shed off the flu now.

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  5. Pingback: Two Years Sober | Recovery 102

  6. I hope you are all feeling better soon, so you can get out in our spring weather!
    xo
    Wendy

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  7. I’m so sorry to hear that.

    It is totally that time of year. I was out for 48 hours with a stomach bug. I hope you feel better soon. Nothing worse than the flu. It reminds me of being hungover all over again.

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  8. Thanks, Betty! We are over the worst of it (hoping I didn’t just jinx us *smile*). I’ve never heard the factoid about nerve endings before. Bodies are so fascinating!

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  9. Riiiiight?! Oh, my gosh, so true. … Thank you for writing, Lori! I hope today finds you well.* -HM.

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  10. Haha. Thank you for the compassion, Feeling. We are well now, and enjoying an odd early spring visit. Beautiful sun and warm air – the perfect antidote to our past few weeks. *smile* It is probably temporary, but enjoying it for what it’s worth while it’s here. Hope the new job continues well for you.* I don’t know if I congratulated you on your raise – wah-hoo! So happy for you. -HM.

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  11. Oh, my goodness, Robert, that sounds horrible and scary. Pneumonia – eep! Glad you’re all better now, as are we. Enjoying this early spring visit while it lasts. …. And as for reminders of the ol’ days, it was a good one, despite it being not so good. Odd what sorts of shapes gratitude will take on in sobriety, huh? Here’s to health! -HM.

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  12. Oh, we are loving it, Wendy. I hope you are, too!

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  13. So true. And thank you for the note. The illness really was a huge reminder of what things used to be like… I definitely like this current version of life much better. *smile*

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  14. Glad you are all ok now. 🙂 The sun is out here, I’m shutting down the computer and going out too!
    xx, Feeling

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