Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

October Road.

It’s early morning. I can her our grandmother clock ticking. My family is tucked in their beds – mostly. My daughter stole her way into ours, which was the impetus for me getting out of bed, and thus, finding myself here in my chair with a hot cup of coffee. I’m quite happy she did. I love starting my days off a little earlier than everyone else, reading, and just waking up on my own. It’s nice to be awake and to have some time and space just for me.

I’ve been feeling this way – this relaxed, contemplative way most of this past week. On the one  hand it’s very nice because my brain has stopped going a thousand miles a minute every second of the day. With the new job, I didn’t realize until I had stopped spinning, that I was in a constant state of stress and anxiety. I was trying to race as fast as I could to write curriculum, clean, grade, plan, collaborate, learn the community, organize, and take stock, that I didn’t even notice how hard I was working to stay caught up with even the most basic responsibilities of getting through each day and doing what I was hired to do – teach.

This is my sixteenth year as a teacher, but this new job is really Brand. Spankin’. New. I am writing it from the ground up, which is exciting to do, because I and my partner are designing a theatre program to follow students through each of their elementary and secondary years a child’s entire elementary and secondary school years. The structure before was a bit too nebulous and focused on Fun. I am definitely not opposed to fun, however I want kids to be challenged and to grow as artists. It’s exciting, and I know in the coming years, this planning will do the program a lot of good, and help us to create a lot of depth. However, I am a little frustrated because I am covering basics with most of my students at every grade level, so that next year, I will have to write even more curriculum once we have students on the same page and with the same skill sets.

Then, I look around my space and in my rooms, and I just see a Mess. Granted, it is entirely my own fault because it was my idea to flip the costume and prop room inside-out, as well as the library….. Yeah, it’s a mess. Ha. And I know, from growing up with my father, whenever I was feeling stressed, he would tell me to clean my room so that my mind would feel better. A good rule of thumb, as long as one has the time and the energy to do so. *smile* I have kept my office quite clean so that I have a space I can escape to, but…. Yeah. Maybe I will work on prioritizing the other rooms again so that I don’t feel trapped underneath a mountain of Theatre Things.

This post is sounding quite negative, but overall, I am feeling better than I was. I should have written more last week, but I was feeling tired and sad and …. Oh, wanting to isolate. Dagnabbit. Stupid human tricks that keep repeating themselves. Argh.

Anyway, the other feeling I’ve been really having trouble with is melancholy. The longer I am at my new job (which, even though is overwhelming, I am really loving – and I’m not just saying that as a perfectionist in order to appear perfect to the outside world – I truly love it and the students and the people), the more and more Real it feels that I have lost my old job and my old community. With the fall weather exacerbating everything, I just feel Sad. And lonely. The communication from my old people has been little to none, which further breaks my heart. And I know everyone is as busy as I am, or more so, but it just makes me sad. I definitely feel like I am grieving again in many ways. The two months of grief and franticness and loneliness surrounding the initial news of my job loss in April seems to almost be repeating itself from August to September to now.

However, like I said above, I feel like I am stepping out on the other side of those feelings of sadness and spinning my wheels. I am still definitely in there. It’s not a quick fix by any stretch of the imagination, but at least I can now see where I was and what I am moving away from. Why can’t we see our full situation when we are in the thick of things? Is it because we don’t have perspective? Because we are too close to it all?

Day 496, a little James to walk with me today and to make the day brighter….


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6 thoughts on “October Road.

  1. Heya M,
    Sorry to hear you are feeling sad and lonely, must be alienating to not hear anything from your old colleagues. And/but (?): I think to read that you are dealing very well – does that mean anything to you? You are currently experiencing feelings instead of drowning them like you and I used to do. I think that is great, a sort of overrated great sometimes, but still… Learning to deal with life without trying to fix it away is a Good Thing! And I hope you will also, at some point, draw the conclusion that a life which leaves us no time to sit, rest and contemplate is not how it is supposed to be. A structure like that will lead to stress and pain no matter what. Not sure how to do it differently though. 🙂 We will work it out along the way. Let go and let God – that has been my mantra for the last week. 🙂
    Sending hugs and strength and a good dose of easy joy and laughter your way.
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m here too, HM. These interstitial, liminal, transitional times can be damned uncomfortable. But I’m glad you’re seeing the good in it. I super admire the fact that not only are you a teacher, but a theater teacher. Of my many talents :), neither of these are among them. I’m sorry you are feeling melancholy…

    I do love the relaxed and introspective days of sobriety, and more and more I’m finding moments of sweetness. I loved how you opened this post because it’s clear you see them too. Big hug and hope the week swings up for you.
    Xo R

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Feeling, thank you.* Yes, you are true. Coping better with capital ‘L’-Life- is definitely a place of growth and development. Feeling good about that. Thank you for recognizing the journey and its challenges and rewards…. And yes. Need to work on the stress-part. *smile* Baby steps, right? hee. Glad to be here with you in this SoberBetter Life we’re living, friend.* Love, -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you, Rachel.* Love your words to describe the times. YesYesYes. So many challenges inside the grief, but so many good things with all that is new (job/people/students/etc.) surrounding the grief. Lots of gifts I am grateful for. Thank you for your lovely words, as always.* -HM. p.s. How was the retreat?!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Secret Quitter on said:

    October Melancholy got me like YUCK. Right there in the trenches with you. Digging deep to find the catalyst. Sobriety makes you have all the feels…better or worse. Prayers, comfort and clarity to you.


  6. Ah, the retreat was disappointing for a number of reasons, but it did show me how much I’ve learned in my intensive women’s group. I suppose my expectations were pretty high (it was also pretty expensive, so at the very least I expected posh lodging and great food, and it had neither), but live and learn, I say. xo


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