Feelin’ All the Feels.
A few mini-vignettes…..
Putting one foot in front of the other, inch by inch… And I’ve found myself Here and Now.
I am struggling because I am feeling so much/everything all at once, and then simultaneously trying to not feel anything (impossible!) in order to protect myself. It’s weird going through loss in slow-motion….
This morning, I laughed at myself because I was thinking of a conversation I was having with a friend the other week (he knows I am sober) and I was expressing to him how great sobriety is because I feel everything, and how horrible sobriety is because I feel everything. He laughed in a gentle way and talked about what a gift it is to get it ALL back, and I agreed with him. But today? Um. The jury is still out.
When I was a little younger than I am now, 25ish or so, I remember a conversation I had with my dad…. He said, ‘Monster, you just feel SO MUCH.’ And I do. I don’t know if it’s because of my artist’s heart, or my Piscean nature, or my bipolar, or what, but there is something in me – and always has been – that amplifies my emotions on a scale wide and deeper than most human mortals. It’s a bit of an honor badge form me, because my emotions really make me feel like Me. But? It’s also a real kick in the head, because gah! So many feelings. All. The. Time.
Lastly, when I met my husband 9 years ago, I felt like I had found someone who honored all of my insides – the muck, the beauty, the murk, and the plummeting depths – and I was wholly myself. All of the time. And? He didn’t run the other way. *smile* At one point in one of our early day-dates, he asked me how I was and I said, ‘Fine.’ He stopped me right there and told me that his mentor (an acting teacher) always says that FINE= Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic, & Emotional. … Yes!!! *smile* Don’t you love that? Ever since then, I have always been careful about saying the word ‘Fine,’ unless I’m singing to the Indigos of course…. And I’m also skeptical of anyone who says they are Fine. It’s a good rule of thumb I have found.
Day 359, Take It Away, Girls …. Closer to Fine