Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Feelin’ All the Feels.

A few mini-vignettes…..

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Putting one foot in front of the other, inch by inch… And I’ve found myself Here and Now.

I am struggling because I am feeling so much/everything all at once, and then simultaneously trying to not feel anything (impossible!) in order to protect myself. It’s weird going through loss in slow-motion….

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This morning, I laughed at myself because I was thinking of a conversation I was having with a friend the other week (he knows I am sober) and I was expressing to him how great sobriety is because I feel everything, and how horrible sobriety is because I feel everything. He laughed in a gentle way and talked about what a gift it is to get it ALL back, and I agreed with him. But today? Um. The jury is still out.

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When I was a little younger than I am now, 25ish or so, I remember a conversation I had with my dad…. He said, ‘Monster, you just feel SO MUCH.’ And I do. I don’t know if it’s because of my artist’s heart, or my Piscean nature, or my bipolar, or what, but there is something in me – and always has been – that amplifies my emotions on a scale wide and deeper than most human mortals. It’s a bit of an honor badge form me, because my emotions really make me feel like Me. But? It’s also a real kick in the head, because gah! So many feelings. All. The. Time.

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Lastly, when I met my husband 9 years ago, I felt like I had found someone who honored all of my insides – the muck, the beauty, the murk, and the plummeting depths – and I was wholly myself. All of the time. And? He didn’t run the other way. *smile* At one point in one of our early day-dates, he asked me how I was and I said, ‘Fine.’ He stopped me right there and told me that his mentor (an acting teacher) always says that FINE= Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic, & Emotional. … Yes!!! *smile* Don’t you love that? Ever since then, I have always been careful about saying the word ‘Fine,’ unless I’m singing to the Indigos of course….  And I’m also skeptical of anyone who says they are Fine. It’s a good rule of thumb I have found.

Day 359, Take It Away, Girls …. Closer to Fine

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9 thoughts on “Feelin’ All the Feels.

  1. F.I.N.E. what a great acronym 😄 so describes just some o those feelings of early sobriety. I think most of us ex drinkers have been well n truly F.I.N.E. at some stage x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Gheghegheghe, F.I.N.E hihihihi. Yeah, all those feelings. What I’ve come up with so far is that they are guidelines for our lives, linked to our physical state and they, well, emotions set us in motion. And/but that we also need to learn (at some point in the future?) to disconnect and realise that our Consciousness does not equal our feelings. Ha! I’m not there yet. 😀
    This was goodbye-at-school-Thursday not?
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

  3. mishedup on said:

    FINE is often used in AA meetings…so true.
    I think so many of us know all the feels….which is why alcohol was always our solution right? at least for me, and many others I have talked to.
    my jam these days is meditation…it helps so much. Anchors me to the present moment. and sometimes there is a yuck feeling in that moment but i can see it pass, i’m aware in a way i haven’t been before.
    I ove the Rilke quote “Live it all. The beauty and the terror. No feeling is final”.
    meditation is helping me ground into that idea and live it daily. I still feel big…but I attach to it less.

    day 359….HUZZAH!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’ll echo the sentiments expressed in the comments above, and say that meditation/mindfulness can be transformative in the matter at hand. I’m also a Pisces with an at times overly-fertile life of feeling. I’ve found mindfulness helps to keep feelings – and much thinking, generally – abreast from my self-understanding. Feelings are just thoughts, essentially, and are in themselves inert. It’s only what we choose to do – or not do – with them that causes issues to arise. Even before we choose to act on them or not, it’s essential to not confuse them with our very selves. We most definitely are not our thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Happy 359!!
    I like what mished up said…feel big but attach to it less!
    xo
    Wendy

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  6. Yaaassss! *smile*

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you, Feeling.* Yes, I am eons and eons away from disconnecting my emotions from my consciousness, but? It is a good goal in some respects. I Love how you said ’emotions set us in motion.’ That is soso true for me. Thank you for saying it so eloquently.* -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I love your Rilke quote, MU.* So profound… I feel like it’s one of those sentiments that can live in the universal, huge history of Everything, while also being true in the minute seconds of the mundane. Beautiful. … I am not a regular AA-attendee, so I love that they use it in the rooms. I hadn’t found that out yet myself. Thank you!

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  9. Thank you, John Paul.* And thank you, too, for writing. I’m glad to hear from a fellow Piscean who is swimming their way through this thing called Life. (Crooked Prince quote.) -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

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