That’s where I am right now.
I lost my job today.
Well, I lost the chance at renewing my contract for next school year.
I’m heartbroken. Sad. Mad. Thankful not to have to wonder.
I feel still and anxious all at the same time.
My stomach will not settle down. It feels like it’s in an everlasting flip.
So much I don’t know. Where will I be? Will I be enough? Will I find something?
And then, moreso, on top of it all…. What about these kids? My students? My community? All of whom I’ve fought for and created and envisioned and worked SO HARD for. I’m asked to walk away from my Heart. The reason why I breathe. Truly. It is the most amazing
job vocation calling. It is what I am meant to do and to be.
I walked in completely ignorant. A college grad (22!) and was just launched into this world of education and creativity. The more I learned, the more I loved. I am established. I am confident. I am doing the best work I’ve ever done. Truly. I can say that with confidence. I am building relationships and working on committees to create community and safe spaces, all while challenging the world and its isms. And I’m being asked to leave. Gah! I am just hurt and crushed. In shock. In pain.
And I am so so sad.
Day Something, I’m still sober. More later. I’m still sober. Before I would have drank these tears away, but today I just keep crying them, and it hurts so much.