Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Free Fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s where I am right now.

 

 

Just falling.

 

 

I lost my job today.

*punch*

Well, I lost the chance at renewing my contract for next school year.

I’m heartbroken. Sad. Mad. Thankful not to have to wonder.

I feel still and anxious all at the same time.

My stomach will not settle down. It feels like it’s in an everlasting flip.

So much I don’t know. Where will I be? Will I be enough? Will I find something?

And then, moreso, on top of it all…. What about these kids? My students? My community? All of whom I’ve fought for and created and envisioned and worked SO HARD for. I’m asked to walk away from my Heart. The reason why I breathe. Truly. It is the most amazing job vocation calling. It is what I am meant to do and to be.

I walked in completely ignorant. A college grad (22!) and was just launched into this world of education and creativity. The more I learned, the more I loved. I am established. I am confident. I am doing the best work I’ve ever done. Truly. I can say that with confidence. I am building relationships and working on committees to create community and safe spaces, all while challenging the world and its isms. And I’m being asked to leave. Gah! I am just hurt and crushed. In shock. In pain.

 

 

 

And I am so so sad.

Day Something, I’m still sober. More later. I’m still sober. Before I would have drank these tears away, but today I just keep crying them, and it hurts so much.

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23 thoughts on “Free Fall.

  1. mishedup on said:

    oh man, I am so,so sorry. It sounds like this is such love for you…allow the sadness. you’re right, you might have drunk it away but you don’t do that anymore.
    take the time you need, sit with and allow it to pass through and out.
    keep us posted….

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Jeez, I’m so sorry to read this. Have you been given a reason or explanation?
    Give yourself time to take it all in and I’m sure you will know how to move forward when the time comes.
    Love and hugs
    WSB x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So sorry to hear this Heya. It feels trite but I hang on the expression when one door shuts another door opens to keep me optimistic at times like this xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh HM, I’m so sorry to hear, that’s a real kick in the guts. Thinking of you xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sending you loads of strength and love in this time of the unknown. I just bet you’ll be given gifts in the coming months. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry to hear you’re suffering this 😦 Hugs and best wishes x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow. I got canned last week. It was the best job I’ve ever had. 😦 I feel you. Time to grieve, then time to “brush the dirt off”. Sorry.

    Like

  8. Oh honey, I am so very sorry.
    xo
    Wendy

    Like

  9. Getting canned sucks. I’m in the same boat with you. It knocked the breath right out of me when I found out last week. {{{{{Hugs}}}}}

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  10. I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself. You deserve it. Big hug.

    Like

  11. I’m so sorry:-( xx

    Like

  12. Time and the Bottle on said:

    So so sorry. It is horrible. But just remember – when one door closes, another opens.

    Like

  13. I’m so sorry to hear this. As someone who has gotten the axe twice in my life I can imagine that, like me, you don’t really want to hear that things will get better or that you’ll end up with a better opportunity. It’s OK to just be sad and angry for a while. And then, eventually, you’ll do what people like you always do: pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and march off to kick down the door of opportunity and create something wonderful for yourself. Go get ’em!

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  14. Ooh dear HM! What a shock that must be. 😦 How awfull to have to lose this job of which the content, work environment and people, big or small or inbetween, clearly mean so much to you. 😦

    Not sure wether to like or not like your post. Did like it because you put it out here though. I mean, within the life you and I lead (led?) a year or more ago we would not even be able to type a word without typo by the time we got around to opening the computer. And here you are. 🙂 Writing. Sober. You are BRAVE.

    My thoughts are with you and I am sending you a long, long hug to cry in till you found the bottom of your sorrow and pain. And while you are there you can look at it and see its shape, form, qualities and come to know where it attaches to you, possibly so you can find your feet, sober, grieving and with knowledge. I hope that you, coming out of the hug can do the next best thing, something a women who loves herself would do. Like crying. I would cry, like dunno, like crazy. And then I would sleep.

    I wish you good sleep. I do not know what the future brings, and I am not one of the people who can see positive in a shitty situation so I can not offer that comfort. I can however say that you are sober and in the best shape to deal with any challenge coming your way. Eventhough I can imagine that might not look like much when you feel down, I think I did learn in the last 1,5 year that, gheghe, ‘this too shall pass’. Sorry for the cliché. I don’t mean it as a ‘chuck all the feelings out because they will not be applicable in the future anyway’ – it is more of a ‘you might feel stuck now, but things will also get better and you too will, when the time comes, move again in the world and you will again feel part of things and feel safe in your own community’. Not sure if I’m projecting (too much) into this. 🙂 Wishing you a good recovery from this nasty, nasty experience.

    xx, Feeling

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  15. Feeling, you are amazing. Thank you, my sweet friend.* *HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG* (That’s a long-distance hug. *smile*)

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Thank you so much.* I am working on the kicking down the door part now…. *smile*

    Like

  17. Yes, holding onto that thought a lot these days. Thank you so much.*

    Like

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