Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Telling on Myself.

Don’t worry. Don’t panic. I did not drink. That is not the telling I am talking about.

I am telling on myself because I did a bit of isolating over the weekend. A bit of grumpy, crappy, lash-out-at-loved-ones angrily kind of behavior. In short?

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This Was/IS Me.

It started kind of just because. Well, okay, sort of just because. Really? I think I am going through some crappy stuff with my menstrual cycle because in the past two months, I have had my cycle 3 times. And I even think the cycle before that was really close together, too. I kept thinking, ‘Oh, I just lost track of the days because I’ve been so busy.’ But really? Nope. I think something is going on. Either my meds are causing trouble with my bod, or perhaps (and more worrisome to me) I am starting early menopause? Eep. All this body stuff would explain my crazy desire for a third baby that keeps finding its way into my everyday conversations with the hubs and with my young children. Truly ridiculous.

And then, this weekend, things were going along nicely on Friday. Tired, but nothing out of the ordinary after a full week. Then, I had a small function at school, which went really well. I was actually SO happy with it, and especially with my students. Then, triptrap back home and looking forward to the rest of my day with my family, and? DISASTER. I yelled, I cursed, I just got pissy and angry and irritated almost out of nowhere. The hubs kept looking at me like, ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ And every time I would explode, I would think the same thing. Just horrible. So, then, I tried to distance myself and lose myself in some cross-stitch and MasterChef (Australia!), but even though I did that, it didn’t help. I was a grouch all the way through to the end of the night. As I was laying in bed Saturday night, I thought to myself, ‘I will forgive myself for this shit day, go to sleep, and wake up feeling better and nicer.’ *lesigh*

But I didn’t. I was mostly a crab Sunday, too. A little better, but not much. We tried going out and bringing the kids to their favorite places. But I was just sooooo tired. And grouchy.

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Argh….

So, here I am. Going on Day 3 of trying to feel like I am a good mom and wife, and just crossing my fingers my physical discomfort doesn’t continue to take over and keep me turned into this ugly, mean ol’ grumpy monster.

As for the telling on myself…. I really have been isolating these past several days. And eating without thinking. And just really disconnected to this body of mine. Yes, I feel the discomfort, but I almost feel like I am trying to forget about it and lose myself in some other sort of pleasure or reward or treat to take my mind off of the pain (sound familiar?). So, yes. I am going to try and just let the feelings be the feelings, and rather than stuff my face and yell at my family and IGNORE what is going on, I will try and act from an honest place. I might not be perfect or feel one-hundred percent, but that doesn’t mean my family needs to be brought down with me. What a jerko I’ve been.

Here we go…. Into a new day. And who knows? Maybe I will get a little bit of

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THIS

in the long run….

Day 223, Here’s hoping! *smile*

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6 thoughts on “Telling on Myself.

  1. Me too, last cycle was 20 days. WTF?? Memo to me: phone broker to purchase Playtex stock.
    I’m hoping for the big M or possibly a hysterectomy to end 35 years of suffering and PMS. Honestly I had to stay home from work for a day the last time it started (5 days early, really??) because I was depressed and sad and also BIOLOGICALLY ANGRY and had back spasms and cramps and I literally couldn’t get out of bed and I hated EVERYONE and they all needed to DIE. Or bring me a donut. Do not underestimate the power of the lady-hormone.
    Fortunately my spouse recognizes these symptoms and so it is known as “The Week I’m Always Right.”
    Just recognizing that you’re irrationally angry can help to calm you down so you are already working on it!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Millie on said:

    Same thing had been happening to me too – I actually went to the doctor just to reassure my hypochondriac mind, her response was ” well, it’s nothing to worry about, it happens at your age” I thought
    “my age? MY AGE!!!!??? what is she on about? “(I’m still early 30’s in my head and had to remember my real age ) and Betty is right, those lady hormones can make even the most zen of women irrational. I’m sure this too will pass. Deep breaths until then.

    Like

  3. Oh, honey. This sounds awful. Even you don’t want to live with you! Be kind to yourself. As well as asking about hormones and meds, ask if there is anything deeper emotionally going on. Are you crazy stressed about something? Too busy? Not getting enough time to be you?

    Like

  4. Sooooo… Do we not love Oscar the Grouch? Sesame Street is not a great success because of Big Bird’s joy & wonder. It is because of the ensemble. The perfect cast of characters is not flat. It is dynamic with tons of range. You are a perfect ensemble. Being the star of a stage (motherhood especially) is not for a supporting actress. You are not “grouchy” you are having a DIVA moment. Feathered boa, Minolos & only green M&M’s in your dressing room please darling! Lori

    Like

  5. Writing for Ghosts on said:

    Okay, I can’t relate to some of the post (for obvious anatomical reasons), but I get the grumpy/pissy/lashing out part. That happened to me this weekend, too, on several occasions, and I felt awful. I apologized to my wife and kids, took a nap, but I feel like I could have slept for ten hours rather than the forty-five minutes, which was all I could get with our schedule.

    I know drinking wouldn’t help my situation–or yours, or anyone who commented above–so I just muster through and practice self-kindness. I also keep reminding myself of the Ram Dass quote, especially when it comes to interacting with my young, active, draining children: we’re all just walking each other home.

    Hope you’re feeling better.

    Like

  6. I know these books!
    Don’t forget we were FREEZING here!!!
    I didn’t leave the house on Monday.
    xo
    Wendy

    Like

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