After a nice little post and feeling all happy and good about being where I am in sobriety, as well as all of my Life Adventures going on at the moment, for the past two days, I found myself in the midst of a big Case of the Jealouses.
On Saturday night, the hubs was trying to tell me a sweet story about his dear friend, but to get there, he took a meandering way through a bit of whiskey talk. I felt my hackles go up, and kept asking, ‘Is this necessary?’ ‘Can we skip this?’ ‘ What is the purpose of this part of the story?’ … We had a falling out after the sweet story, because I was frustrated and getting the nervous feeling of ‘Wait! I can’t drink EVER AGAIN?!’ And it was building and building throughout the story. Gah.
And while the hubs and I patched things up pretty quickly (phew!), the jealous feeling of ‘It’s not fair!’ and wondering about those sparkly nights of booze & laughter and clinky glasses kept coming up in my head. And seriously PISSING ME OFF. For the past two days. All because of an anecdote for crying out loud. What the fuck?
So, I am here to tell you that I was avoiding telling you in the thick of things because I didn’t want to seem overly dramatic. But really? I should have reached out in the midst of it all. Also, the bout of ‘sickness’ felt like a sudden kick to the head out of nowhere. Here I was floating along, and then BAM! Sobriety Sucks. …. Or, rather, that’s the thought I kept thinking. That and the it’s-not-fair kindergarten special.
I am also here to tell you I Stayed Sober Anyway. Even though it sucked. Even though I was jealous. Even though I had a case of the what-ifs and the maybes…. I didn’t cave. And I didn’t give in. I put my head down. I swore in my head a LOT. And I just kept going Sober because I knew if I didn’t,
things my life would be worse. Much worse. MuchMuchMuchMuchMuchMuchMuch worse. And rather than throwing it all away because I was feeling whiney and frustrated, I dug in and just let it suck. Which it did. But still. Here and Sober.
And in the midst of the suckage, I found a bit of irony, because I hit
on Saturday. So that was nice even in the midst of the shit. And? It’s still 7 months because I didn’t drink. Even though the monster was saying how great it was, and how everyone was doing it, and all of the remember-whens, etc. But I know it wasn’t great, because of all the shame and embarrassment I would wake up with the next morning. I know everyone else is NOT doing it, as I was at a funeral last week (at a brewery no less) and a shit-tonne of people were holding cans of soda rather than pints of beer – smack in the middle of their grief. No. Not everyone is doing it, MindMonster. And most of my remember-whens end in heaving my guts out, or forgetting a night, or being sad and lonely because all I have is my glass of wine to keep me company… Because I wouldn’t let anyone else close while I was drinking so that I could drink More. Gah. All so stupid.
And for whatever reason, along with all the morals I know now, one thing that I kept coming back to during this Battle Round was that drinking cost SO much money. And I kept looking around myself and realizing that we have what we need, and some of what we want, and I am not holding my breath from paycheck to paycheck because of my exorbitant drinking habit. We are comfortable at the moment, whereas when I was drinking, we were scraping by. That stress relief alone is worth a little discomfort today (and today and today and today).
Day 216, hey, Jealousy.