Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Green-Eyed Monster.

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Good morning.*

After a nice little post and feeling all happy and good about being where I am in sobriety, as well as all of my Life Adventures going on at the moment, for the past two days, I found myself in the midst of a big Case of the Jealouses.

On Saturday night, the hubs was trying to tell me a sweet story about his dear friend, but to get there, he took a meandering way through a bit of whiskey talk. I felt my hackles go up, and kept asking, ‘Is this necessary?’ ‘Can we skip this?’ ‘ What is the purpose of this part of the story?’ … We had a falling out after the sweet story, because I was frustrated and getting the nervous feeling of ‘Wait! I can’t drink EVER AGAIN?!’ And it was building and building throughout the story. Gah.

And while the hubs and I patched things up pretty quickly (phew!), the jealous feeling of ‘It’s not fair!’ and wondering about those sparkly nights of booze & laughter and clinky glasses kept coming up in my head. And seriously PISSING ME OFF. For the past two days. All because of an anecdote for crying out loud. What the fuck?

So, I am here to tell you that I was avoiding telling you in the thick of things because I didn’t want to seem overly dramatic. But really? I should have reached out in the midst of it all. Also, the bout of ‘sickness’ felt like a sudden kick to the head out of nowhere. Here I was floating along, and then BAM! Sobriety Sucks. …. Or, rather, that’s the thought I kept thinking. That and the it’s-not-fair kindergarten special.

I am also here to tell you I Stayed Sober Anyway. Even though it sucked. Even though I was jealous. Even though I had a case of the what-ifs and the maybes…. I didn’t cave. And I didn’t give in. I put my head down. I swore in  my head a LOT. And I just kept going Sober because I knew if I didn’t, things my life would be worse. Much worse. MuchMuchMuchMuchMuchMuchMuch worse. And rather than throwing it all away because I was feeling whiney and frustrated, I dug in and just let it suck. Which it did. But still. Here and Sober.

And in the midst of the suckage, I found a bit of irony, because I hit

number7

7 Months!

on Saturday. So that was nice even in the midst of the shit. And? It’s still 7 months because I didn’t drink. Even though the monster was saying how great it was, and how everyone was doing it, and all of the remember-whens, etc. But I know it wasn’t great, because of all the shame and embarrassment I would wake up with the next morning. I know everyone else is NOT doing it, as I was at a funeral last week (at a brewery no less) and a shit-tonne of people were holding cans of soda rather than pints of beer – smack in the middle of their grief. No. Not everyone is doing it, MindMonster. And most of my remember-whens end in heaving my guts out, or forgetting a night, or being sad and lonely because all I have is my glass of wine to keep me company… Because I wouldn’t let anyone else close while I was drinking so that I could drink More. Gah. All so stupid.

And for whatever reason, along with all the morals I know now, one thing that I kept coming back to during this Battle Round was that drinking cost SO much money. And I kept looking around myself and realizing that we have what we need, and some of what we want, and I am not holding my breath from paycheck to paycheck because of my exorbitant drinking habit. We are comfortable at the moment, whereas when I was drinking, we were scraping by. That stress relief alone is worth a little discomfort today (and today and today and today).

Day 216, hey, Jealousy.

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14 thoughts on “Green-Eyed Monster.

  1. Thank you for sharing this. It’s important to hear how people get through tough moments. Because we all have them.

    What I find helpful for me is seeing how disconnected with the moment drinkers are. They are oblivious to the surroundings and almost always seem anxious about when the next drink is coming (I mean real drinkers, not a person having a glass of wine).

    Missing so much.

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  2. “Sparkly nights”?? Really. More like “stumbling nights”, right? I know it sometimes sounds good, and seems in theory like it would be great…but, honestly just the thought of the ACTUAL TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH would likely be gag-inducing at this point. So when you’re inappropriately covetous, give that a thought!

    I don’t usually crave alcohol (sometimes I do) but some days I want a cigarette SO BADLY. But I only want the idea of it, not the actual thing. The actual thing would make me hack and gag and taste oh-so-nasty. So I think we miss the idea, or rather the IDEAL, the memory of the feeling. And that’s the shitty part. But fortunately there are a lot of other things that will make us feel that good again and they are all queued up and waiting for us to find them!!

    ANYHOOOOOO, you obviously did an awesome job not-drinking anyway and I know it was hard but that’s us, we do the hard shit. Happy for your 7 months, my 7 mos was Jan 1!!

    And also: do you think it’d be alright, if I could just stay heeeere tonight! haha

    Liked by 2 people

  3. There were some fun times drinking for me, too.
    What I now tell myself is that, yes I had those times.
    Now, I have different fun times!
    I don’t see it as a loss anymore, but I more of a “I used to…, but now I…”.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Heya Monster, good that you pulled through! Congrats on your day 216! 🙂

    And also, and you might want to steel yourself a little before reading this because I am a little upset by your husbands reaction but I still think I need to put this out here because there is a trap in this post which has not been mentioned. (Which hahaha, obviously my ego and I think I should be typing up here 😉 ) If my reply below hits a core of truth, which I actually hope not, it might be upsetting so again, steeling / organising yourself is a good aproach. 🙂

    When reading my first response was: What is the purpose of your husband continuing his drinking glory story even after ONE request from you about ‘is this really neccessary’? Even if it he was not aware of what is going on with you, while hey is but even if he was not, the only appropriate answer to that would be “I am sorry, you seem offended/flustered/shaken, I do not understand, what you mean?” Which is my undiluted and not so humble opinion.

    Second to that, I have been reading quite some stories of women coming to this point in their relation and, haha, not being in a relation I guess gives some distance to what is happening, and possibly some lack of insight too, blablablabla, disclaimer, disclaimer. But….. when reading those, well, to put it plainly: it very much reads and looks like sabotage to me. Again, prettty undiluted and blunt but, well… why? My question to him would be “What is the reason that you continue this story even after me repeatedly asking you to not go there?” Is his story more important than your comfort? Are you ‘supposed to be able to deal with it?’ What? Why can a person not say no and be respected for that?

    In that, do not underestimate the power of partners wanting to keep on having their uncriticised, fun drinking life when the other have / needs to quit. My ex kept on advertising booze for 3 months, pushing me to drink again, until I gave in because I was too ashamed to tell him the real reason that I quit. 😦 So yes, there is a very sore spot in me there. But looking back: if I (you) would have had any kind of disease where there was a physical disfigurement or difficulty ANYBODY would have taken ANY hint as a ‘is this really neccessary’ seriously and would have apologized IMMEDIATLY and everybody included in the conversation would have thought him a blunt, egocentric asshole for even bringing things up. Like bragging about your kids to a women who can’t conceive = not done.

    So him continuing after you mentioning/hinting/say that it bugs you makes me wonder what is bugging him and why he is putting it on your plate / taking it out on you. And yes, sorry if I misread the story.

    Thirdly: sobriety is about what you take in. You do not have to listen to anybody bragging about drinking because that, in itself spreads the vibe of addiction and you do not have to accept that in your life. You (i!) will need to learn to deal with it but you (i) do not have to take it in. And I’m thinking one can, and it is important that we do I think, specifically in our private lifes, set boundaries to prevent you (i!) from having to take it in. I mean, listening to his ‘fun story’ is like voluntarilly watching booze adds. Why would you do that? Why would anybody want to put you through that? Nothing wrong with “I am not interested in your booze story. Please continue on another subject or I will need to leave.” Or, if you want to tone it down a little “Sorry, I am happy you had a good night but I have difficulty dealing with your alcohol related story now, can you please change the subject?”

    Again, sorry if I misread the story, it is just that I find this behaviour of spouses at the best ‘puzzling’ and ‘not very supportive’. I think setting boundaries and not taking in the vibe of addiction which is knowingly spread in your surroundings would be a safer way to deal with it. And, having said that, :-(, being such a non agreeable woman is possibly / obviously one of the reasons why I am not in a relation 😦 and that could mean that I, not having that experience, totally overlook something which could turn this whole story around, yeah. Dunno. This is what I make of it and I feel very strongly that I should not just stand by and say nothing.

    I hope this rant does not upset you. I can very much imagine that if it does hit a core of truth, it might turn some stuff upside down. If I am way out of line I, which I actually think I am a little because this is between you and him…. please let me know. It is ‘just’, I can’t stand by because I have been there and it has hurt me and I do not want it to hurt you too. :-/ I hope you understand.

    With love,

    Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Writing for Ghosts on said:

    Tomorrow we can drive around this town, let the cops chase us around….

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Lovely 7 Months 🙂 *’`°^°*’* I get those jealousies too! Sometimes I get it when I watch a skinny person eat ice cream. Or someone with thin legs wearing those cute knee high boots. Or perky little breasts while I cart around these monstrocities (while eating ice cream & wearing boot cut jeans to “balance” my body type) That jealous stuff is HARD!! I know you are super busy right now at work – but me thinks you should order some 7 month shoes. I, of course, have not taken your shoe advice and still have just my same 5 pair. I am jealous of your shoe buying ability 😉 Lori

    Liked by 1 person

  7. SoSo true, Anne – about the disconnecting and the missing.We missed so much! No wonder life felt so flat.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Haha. Love it. Congrats on Your 7 months! *flex* …. And yes. I am with you – it is the Idea of the drink as opposed to the actual drink. However, knowing that doesn’t always keep the addictive whispers at bay. Just have to wait it out, or wade through them, or just take a nap. *smile*

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Wendy, I like the ‘but now I…..’ because it embraces the change and the positives that have come from sobriety. Thank you.*

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  10. Feeling, I have missed you! And I love your instinct to fight and help me be free of a bad situation. Thank you.* I will say, rather sheepishly, that I only summed up the conversation because it felt silly going into all of the details. The hubs had actually watched a documentary about whiskey, which he told me a few things about (which was why I was getting itchy and uncomfortable and started my questions), which then led to his friend, and then his further anecdotes about a few long-distance conversations they had had (which didn’t have anything to do with whiskey, which further bent my nose out of shape because why spend so much time talking about the documentary if the end story had nothing to do with it really?). So that is why I didn’t tell the whole thing. The main fact was I was uncomfortable, and I said something. The hubs wasn’t gloating about his own drinking or drinking really at all. He was being innocently conversational. He told me later that he can’t be sure how I will take stories like the documentary because some days I seem la-di-da fine with it all, and some days I can’t listen (like that night). And as much as I love the hubs (to pieces), he is not a summary kind of a storyteller. His brain needs to walk through the details to get from point A to point B. So I know he wasn’t trying to make me uncomfortable, he was just in his mode of storytelling. C’est la vie. It’s over. We made it. I think you’re the bee’s knees. And I am well.* Again, thank you for worrying, wonderful woman. Luff, -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Haha. Thank you, Lori.* I will say the shoes are well and good over here. Multiplying as always. I hadn’t gone browsing in almost four months, I think, and then over break I had the chance, and Poof! 2 new pairs found their way into my house. I haven no idea how that happened. *smile* Glad to hear I am not alone in the jealouses department. They’re the pits.

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  12. That’s true, we need to have many “tricks” to deal with those.

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  13. Aaaaah! Thank you for replying! I got so worried. Glad that was all for ‘nothing’. And yes on the la-di-da, I have that too, one day is la-di-da and the other is like ‘FO with your drinking s#!)!’ I’m thinking in time it will pass since it did too with smoking. But not now yet.
    I’m glad you are ok and thank you for your kind reply to my overly stern finger. 🙂 ❤
    xx, Feeling

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