Wine, Wine, Everywhere the Wine.
Blocking out the scenery, breakin’ my mind.
Do this, don’t do that, can’t you reeeeead the Wine?!
(Thanks to the Five Man Electrical Band’s original ‘Signs.’)
Everyone is posting about It, because It is everywhere right now. The holidays (Champagne!). Parties (Liquor!). Family traditions (Wine with dinner!). Commercials about the loveliness of bonding over alcohol (Beer! And Liquor! And Wine! And Spirits!).
The other day, we had a staff/faculty holiday breakfast, and our administrator got up to thank us for our work, etc. Then, he shared a ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’-type story that had a ‘cute’ little moral that was: There’s always time for two beers with a friend.
And honestly? It didn’t really bug me. However, I noticed it. I am noticing it/alcohol/its prevalence more and more – especially these days, as I know so many of you are as well.
This past week, I’ve heard story after story about staying out or up too late with friends and drinking too much. And part of me misses that chance to be a little naughty, to break the rules, and to let loose as an adult. I miss the chance to say, ‘Oh, but I deserve this treat.’
But, really? I know the truth.
As soon as I let loose one night, then all the nights to come are open for drinking. And drink I would! So much so that Christmas would be a blur. I would miss this love-ily break with my kids because I would probably be nursing hangovers 9 out of 10 days, and my life would start to revolve around getting
a glass a bottle several bottles in me, but obviously in a way that was justifiable and perhaps done in the company of friends so that I didn’t look like a drunk. That, or, I would hole up in my chair and drink my wine and ignore my family, while covertly refilling my glass as many times as I could get away with from the box of wine (because you can’t tell how full or empty a box is!). My speech would slur, and I would obviously say, ‘Oh, I am just so tired. It’s been a long week.’ And then crash into bed, only to wake-up around 1 or 2 or 3 am and spin with anxiety, self-loathing, and sincere confusion why I drank like that Again?!
Being sober is muchmuch better. Even if I don’t get the get-away-with-shit-Free-Pass that so many adults use (and I used to use Every Day).
This week hasn’t been as rainbows-and-lollipops as last week’s, but it’s still been a good week.
I’m still scared about my theatre production that addresses race and violence and all the different perspectives, but? The cast and crew is amazing. Probably the most diverse cast I’ve worked with in a long time. (Awesome.) I’m most nervous about being a white woman leading the brigade, but the kids are passionate and excited about the work, and I know we will figure it out together.
I have also been spending money a little crazily, but it has also been thoughtful and planned, so I can’t worry too much. Yes, the Christmas spirit is running through my veins – I love giving presents more than most things, I think. But, I keep buying things, and I need to just stop. Add to it the fact that I got my hair done yesterday at my fancy salon (Oh, my gosh is my hair gorgeous right now!), and bought a gift certificate for myself for next time because I got a $50 coupon…. It was smart, but it doubled my expense at a time when doubling expenses is maybe not the best of choices.
As for my sober-networking, I have been like a hungry monster following all of the blogs I follow, while also looking up tags like ‘Alcoholic’ and ‘Recovery’ and ‘Sobriety’ to read more and more. I haven’t been to an AA meeting in 3 or 4 weeks, which I know isn’t great, but I feel like I’ve been balancing okay by reaching out here. Am I making excuses? Maybe. I will keep monitoring and checking in with myself to see if I am avoiding the meetings. I don’t think I am, but there is always the very good chance that I am bullshitting myself and just don’t know it yet. I will keep you posted.
One more complainy thing… I haven’t been able to exercise for the past 2 weeks, because of my show, and because I was guesting in a classroom for 2 weeks during the time I would have run. The 15 miles I clocked a few weeks ago feel like a long-ago, distant memory. Boo-hoo. Plus, with the eating that has been going on, I’m feeling a little more self-conscious and frumpy. While at the same time, I keep reminding myself I’m sober!!! And that’s good. Trying not to shift my addictive focus onto food/sugar though. It’s not so easy…. Bom-bah.
I’ve also just been tired. It’s a lot coming off of a show, but then jumping into the next one straight away has just caught me off-guard. I’m feeling a little resentful, tired (like I said), and wanting some veg-out time, but not wanting to miss the kids or the hubs. Classic over-committedity.
This break will be good. It officially started yesterday, so I am going to reap the benefits of just having some Time. *lesigh*
Happy Sober Updates: 6-month-aversary completed on December 9th. Solstice Challenge on the horizon this Tuesday, December 22nd.
Drinks Since June 9th: 0 (More Happy!)
Day 194, Happy to be Here, but today it feels like Work. (And that’s okay.)