And that is indeed what has happened. Opened a show with my students today. It feels really good (as always) to get to this point. *hugesighofrelief*
I am still an insane amount of hit-me-in-the-face-with-a-big-giant-fist-of-bone-aching-tired, but? I am making smarter choices in managing it …. Most days. Whereas in the past, I would reach for coffee from morning ’til night, at which time I would switch to wine and cram in 2, and more often 3 glasses before bed, I am now still hitting the coffee, but not as hard, and also balancing it more with water. Gah. How simple is that? Water. Man. What a huge help it has been. Seriously. So refreshing, and helps so much with the Tired. Combine that with healthier food (again – for the most part), some daily choco treats, and I’m doing pretty okay.
The show itself is inspired by Where the Wild Things Are. I wrote it 15 years ago when I first started teaching, and I have to say, it is so much fun revisiting it! The characters and the sweetness and the push on imagination games and friendship… Gah. So sweet. It still makes me tear up, like today when I watched it with a whole audience full of Kindergartners, 1st, and 2nd graders. All-around good fun.
And it’s fun, too, seeing this show from a mom’s point of view. When I wrote it, my experience was as a 1st grade teacher (Fun Fact: My first job out of college was as a 1st grade teacher to 41 little munchkins. Trial. By. Fire.), and a lot of the show’s language and rhythms come from my interactions with my first students. From a mom’s perspective, I have to say the voices still hold true. In fact, it’s a little crazy how much one of my characters is like my daughter. Even something she says in the show, “Do you think it’s okay to cry? My mom says it’s okay to cry, but sometimes it’s not necessary.” Seriously. That is something I have actually said to my daughter. Crazy fortune-telling on my part, I would say.
Another thing about the show is that it’s making me feel a little nostalgic for that childhood innocence. It’s making me look more and more forward to going home for Christmas and being with my parents for the holiday. My babes are so excited for the trip, we talk about it almost every day. And I am so excited for them to really see northern Minnesota in the winter. Wah. So many beautiful visions, one of my favorite being….(Isn’t the person cute?)
I don’t know that we’ll actually have snow because it’s disappeared in the past week, but I’m hoping for a white Christmas. (‘Dreaming of,’ Bing might say.)
I’m still feeling just Good about sober life and where I am at the moment. Sobriety has given me more time (like staying up past a rehearsal one night to get my shit together and get my sister’s Christmas package ready to send (finally!!!)), as well as more time with my fam. I feel like I am making more of my minutes Count. Instead of wondering, ‘Is this all there is?,’ I am enjoying what I have. Savoring it. And on the days I’m too tired to make an effort, I’m telling myself that that’s okay, too! The pressure I was putting on myself in the DBS (Days Before Sober) was HUGE. And now? I’m seeing a lot of my days as what they are, and being okay with that. Not so much resentment. Not so much stress. Not so much panic, or doubt, or wishing I was somewhere or someone else. And with my Time at an all time limited amount, sobriety has given me many gifts I otherwise would have thrown away and/or missed.
(This post is all over the place, but I have one more thing to share…)
The other day, I shared my sobriety with a student. It is a student I care so much about, and who I know has struggled with substance abuse in the past. I so hope they’re able to find their way to a sober way of being. I know they are trying. I didn’t ask details because I didn’t want to be intrusive, but. I did share that I understood how difficult it can be to socialize, especially with friends who might be using. And, I also said if they’re feeling stressed, or just having a shit day and want to complain to someone who ‘gets it,’ that I would happily be their sounding board. I don’t know that they will ever take me up on it, but it’s out there. It was scary, and while I was talking, I felt like I was headed down the hill of a roller coaster, but here I am on the other side, a little jelly-legged and okay. I hope my student is doing okay as well. I worry. I’m a worrier.
Day 183, moving along….