Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Achievement Unlocked!

That’s right, folks. You read it correctly. Days of living, and loving, and doing, and laaaaaaaaaughing, and self-confidencing, and playing, and creating, and exercising, and Being Myself. 180 days to be exact. *smile*

(1) Mission accomplished.

DME-38

And it really does feel like a mission. All last spring I was just tired and sad and more tired and not sure why I was so sad and so tired. I was doing things! I was prepping for two summer shows, I was spending time with friends pretty regularly (for me), and I was running around like a mad woman keeping the overall look of me from cracking. And every night I was REWARDING myself with wine for making it to another 5 or 6 o’clock. On the days it was 6 o’clock, I was itchy and antsy for that first glass – and it was only an hour ‘late.’ During the evenings I would ‘relax’ and ‘veg out’ and ‘recover’ from my busy days so that I would be ‘rested’ and ‘ready’ for my next busy day.

The Me-who-is-Now calls Bullllllllshiiiiiiiit on that Mess!

I honestly had no idea how much the alcohol was negatively affecting my life. Not one iota of an idea. …. Okay, well, maybe one. I thought I was a little tired in the mornings (due to massive amounts of wine the nights before (but at the time, I thought they were ‘normal amounts’ and that everyone was doing it, they just weren’t talking about it)), but I thought I ‘deserved’ the Reward of letting go of the daytime world and getting some ‘Me-Time.’

(I am using quotes like a crazy woman. …. (Sorry-not-sorry. (Because there’s probably going to be more.))

And then June 9 came along, and I just decided ‘Enough.’ (Appropriate use of a quote, for the record. (And yep. More.))

For those I’ve read struggling to begin their Day 1’s, or having trouble committing and sticking to the no-drinking plan, I want to say that June 9 was not the first time I thought I should give up drinking, nor is it the first time I tried to quit the drink. However, it was the first time I was too tired to fight anymore. That whole ‘admitting powerlessness’ is really what happened to me, I just didn’t know it at the time. All the other times I had decided, ‘Okay, no more. I swear, double-dog-pinky-dinky-swear I won’t stop and buy wine to drink tonight’ …. Well, by the afternoons (on every occasion),  I would talk myself into buying the wine and just letting myself have one, maaaaaaaaybe two glasses at Most. I would decide that everyone else in the world was unwinding at the end of their days with alcohol, so it was only fair that I would get to, too. Plus, I would convince myself that I could drink a regular amount today, and again – the one or two glasses of wine would be my bargaining chips in my head. (And then fast forward to later that evening, and the one or two glasses would multiply into one or two bottles.)

Every. Damn. Day.

June 9 showed up and I knew I could not win. I could not bargain. I could not deal. I could not balance, or make sense of, or distinguish, or feel, or regulate, or be, or find, or explore, or lead, or jump… Not in the midst of all the wine. Not in the midst of being shackled to the daily buzz/stupor. Not in the midst of choosing Wine over Me.

So I gave up. I let go of trying to hold on so tightly. So desperately. I let go of planning every day how I would ‘get to’ drink. I had urges to drink. I wanted to drink. Some days I convinced myself that I would drink, but then I reminded myself of letting go, and I would let go over and over and over on those days.

And do you know? It was the most liberating action of my adult life. Minutes, hours, and days have opened up with opportunities, relationships, and fun because I have been there to Live inside of them. Choosing to move alcohol from the center or focus of my world to the banished cold and icy mountains of doom has allowed me so much more freedom! Now my life moves around My Life. As dorky as that sounds. But it’s true! It’s my Life again. Not (wicked) Wine’s. And even though it took years of frustration and circling and considering and bargaining to get there, on the day I finally let go, it/Life became so easy.

There are still days when I start to consider ‘just one,’ or wonder if I could be like ‘other people,’ but then I play the scenario out, and boom. Drunk. Sad. Alcoholic. Horrible. Miserable. Crushed. All over again. So, I let go of the idea again, and move on… Sometimes for a minute, and the thought creeps back, and so I bang it away again, and sometimes playing the scenario out just once is enough. Depends on the day. But? Even on the days the creeping thoughts return again and again, I still go to bed sober, because I know – over and over – that wine is not my way. Not anymore.

Oh, Hello, New Way of Life.

180-angle

I am now looking forward to a couple of mini-sober-challenges, which are:

  1. My true 6-month-aversary on December 9th.
  2. A few more days to reach the Winter Solstice on December 22nd.
  3. Set my sights on my Year goal, and subsequent first tattoo. (Woot!)
  4. While simultaneously resetting the clock for another Solstice-to-Solstice challenge to get me into the Summer.

So here I am. 9 am, contemplating a wonderful sober life, and cake. Lots and lots of cake! *smile*

Day 180, You can do it, too! (And many of you have – my Heroes!)

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33 thoughts on “Achievement Unlocked!

  1. Congratulations on Day 180!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you, DobieGirl!

    Like

  3. riding on empty on said:

    The force is strong in you!

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Heya Monster, congratulations on your 180 days! Wonderful! And a beautiful post of how it came about and what has changed. I am happy for you! ❤
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Long live the queen!! I’m doing a little dance for you (in my mind, I’m really sitting on my ass) and sending you a high-five *smack!*
    There is a lot to be said about how little your world becomes while drinking and how focused you are on that one thing. My ex-drinker friend told me Friday that something about needing to get drunk every day makes you very self-centered, spinning around in your little universe of ONE.
    ANYHOOOOO super happy for you!!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Congrats sister* love you

    Liked by 1 person

  7. huge congratulations. and you know it keeps getting better, right?! Prim xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Gheghe, I notice I sit here trying to mimic the pose of the lady on your picture. 😀 Where did the time go that women were supposed to act like that? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Awesome! Celebrate living every day!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Yay! Monster’s done a 180! Woot!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Robert Crisp on said:

    WhaBAM! I’ll second riding on empty…the force is strong in you.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Robert Crisp on said:

    …and you can’t go wrong with cake.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Nope! And I didn’t. I went oh, so right….. Into a face full of delicious cake. Ha!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Thank you, Robert!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Amen, sister!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. That sounds like a great plan, Anne. *smile*

    Like

  17. No more ‘supposed to’s’ for anyone! I’m decreeing it. I’m inspired by Millie’s latest post. *smile*

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I do, Prim. Yep! I definitely do.*

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Thank you, sister. Love you, too. Heaps.*

    Like

  20. Thank you, dear Betty. And also, you’ve got a smart friend. I love that take and understanding of how the drunk’s world spins. So true! And thanks for the kudos. *perfecthighfiveback*

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Thank you, dear Feeling!*

    Like

  22. No problem this is big and must be appropriately touted. Yes, my friend is very wise and has learned a lot from her sobriety, I am lucky to have someone like her:)

    Liked by 1 person

  23. This post is just what I needed to read today, as I struggle – AGAIN – with acceptance and letting go. 180 days is brilliant. Annie x

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Robert Crisp on said:

    I made brownies the other day, much to the delight of my wife and kids. This, after making a pecan pie from scratch a few weeks ago. Things I used to cook or bake turned out terribly because I’d drink while in the kitchen, usually telling myself I was being “the fun dad.” I was really just the drunk dad screwing up recipes. Last year, I made Christmas cookies that were an absolute abomination (and I drank vanilla extract on top of that…ugh). Time to make up for that.

    Like

  25. Thank you so much, Annie.* I am sending lots of You-Can-Do-It thoughts, strength, and resolve! *hugs* -HM.

    Like

  26. Untipsyteacher on said:

    Yay you!!
    xo
    Wendy
    PS- I got my face in crackers!!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Thank you, Wendy!* p.s. Crackers? Am I completely missing something? (It has been a longer than usual long day today – forgive me!)

    Like

  28. Untipsyteacher on said:

    No, it was my bad idea of a joke!!
    LOL
    I try to be witty on my blog and my comments, and I miss the mark many times!!
    xo

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Haha. Most of mine are spoken aloud. … Crickets! So many times. *smile*

    Liked by 1 person

  30. OMG I can’t believe I missed it! 180 days — so so awesome!! I absolutely LOVE this post, HM. So inspiring, so helpful. So cool. Congratulations! Yay!

    …and p.s., I told my best friend who happens to have quite a few tats that I was (also) thinking about getting one for my 1-year anniversary and she was psyched. I’m already thinking about what I might want inked on my body — and where! Unlike you, I have 355 days to figure that out. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Awwww, you are awesome. Thank you, Rachel!* p.s. Let’s start planning the designs. I’m pretty set on the moon and one star for Year 1. Not sure art style yet, though. Hm…. What’re you thinking of doing? So exciting!

    Like

  32. mishedup on said:

    I love this….and the thought about what you would have missed…MY GOD! so much in my life is a direct result of getting sober almost 5 years ago! I am grateful for that every. single. day.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Thank you and yes! I know, right? I’m just so grateful to be here now, and not checked out every night/recovering every day. Gah.

    Like

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