Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

She’s Alive!

And holy fuck is she busy!

… Yep. Hello. I’m here. School has sucked all of my time, and then my children have sucked any little droplet of time that’s left over.

I’m here and I am sober and kicking ass. Well, mostly.

It’s been a really good week and a really (fucking awful/stressful/crazy) intense week. Here are some things….

Biggest blog news is that the hubs is now in the know. He knew about the blog all along, but didn’t read it because I wasn’t ready. Then, while I was away with the babes, he accidentally read a post, came clean to me (so sweet that he felt so bad about it – he thought it was one of your blogs that I had bookmarked on our iPad), it happened to be the post where I told all of you about my early 100-day celebration presentย before I had gotten home to tell him. Eep! He was mad (rightfully so), but also struggling with having read the post in the first place. (Can I get any luckier in the love department, people?) And I completely understood where he was coming from, but also felt that it was okay that it fell out the way it did. We came to an understanding, and now he is reading the blog. (Hi.*)

Quick query for my friends who have friends/family reading their blogs… How is it for you and yours? It hasn’t really been an issue for me because I haven’t had the time to write in what feels like so long, but I also worry about holding back my honest thoughts if and when they come up. I’ve promised the hubs I won’t do that – he’s been warned. *smile* But I also know there is a possibility of it happening subconsciously. What do you all do about that conundrum, hm?

For me, the cool thing about his reading the blog is that he’s more inside of my head and has access to seeing all of the things I am juggling and digging through in my recovery. I feel like it’s really helped our mutual understanding as he is a normie and does not have addiction tendencies. Not one lick! The lucky dog.

The other thing that was affected by his reading the blog when he did was that it made me get real honest real fast. Particularly, it made me worry that he had readย the post beforeย the ‘Premature Celebration.’ For those of you who haven’t read ‘More About My Monster,’ it is a bit about my discovery of alcohol and my subsequent abuse. When TH told me he had read my blog, I panicked. It became clear as we talked that he was in the dark about my more vulnerable story details, but it also became apparent that I had to tell him the truth. All of the truth. So I did. I came clean about my night with our daughter (more is in the linked post above) and how that really felt like my lowest point. All of my low points after that one were me avoiding my problem and trying to convince myself I didn’t have a problem.

I do. It’s called alcohol.

And while I love now miss it, my Life is so much fucking better now. Even when it sucks, it’s better. I feel so much better owning every feeling – even like the messy bits of confusion and hurt like what happened in my story with the hubs. I know I’ve said this a million times before, but being present for my life is the reward. I’m not missing anything. And because I am not hiding from any of it any longer, I have so much more confidence in who I am as a person. The equation is truly remarkable.

My last little bit here is to say more about the hubs…. He’s awesome. And I’m not just saying that because he now has permission to read these words. I am saying it because it’s true. The night we got into it, I ended up tearing up at one point because I told him how many recovery stories I’ve read, or heard where the marriage or the partnership doesn’t survive the alcoholism. How many times partners have walked away because things got too ugly, or the alcohol had changed the drinker too much, or …. countless other reasons. And here I am, eight years into our relationship, and thanking all that is holy that he is still here with me. And that he stuck with me even in the murkiest days and nights. Even when he was mad at me getting too drunk to walk into the house after a night out with friends. Even when he had to make sure I was okay through the early hours of the morning – passed out on the bathroom floor again. And again. Even when my drinking and my depression stole my light. When I wasn’t really Me anymore. He waited. And he was patient. And he loved me. In my most gruesome, monstrous form.

That’s incredible. … He’s incredible. And I am soso lucky.

Our colors. So sweet and rich.

Our colors. So sweet and rich.

I have more to share, but will save it all for another post. This one can stand alone as an ode to my guy.*

Day 79, one of my favorite numbers!

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17 thoughts on “She’s Alive!

  1. That’s great. So glad for you! Oftentimes when a marriage ends in these circumstances, it’s as much about the non-alkie’s changes as it is (our) part. After having to be the only adult in the relationship for however long, it can be difficult for them to a)trust us again (WISE not to jump into that, in my opinion), and b) release some of the reigns…finances, children, etc. But if you’re both willing to learn new ways to interact, you can definitely come out the other side better then ever.
    79 days. That’s really good. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Millie on said:

    Good to hear from you! so happy that you’re feeling so fantastic and sounds like hubs reading the blog has bought you both even closer together, it warmed my heart reading that ๐Ÿ™‚ x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. ๐Ÿ™‚ That is beautiful. ๐Ÿ™‚ I had a bit of a thing with telling the bookstore man about my blog in a pffrrrrrr thing of oversharing because he told me he had quit using pot. I also told him that he was in it and would possibly not like what he was reading. It actually send me everywhere in the days following, actually the worse BSM frantic stuff happened after that. All was confused till I decided it was my blog and that was it. If he had problems with it he would need to tell me. So I went back to (also) writing (a lot) about him. The other day, about 2 weeks ago, I asked him if he had read any of it? He had not. I said I was happy about it because I had decided on sharing too quickly and could not bear it, and that for me the strength of the blog was in being anonymous. He was ok with that and I do not think he will ever read it. If he does, I guess I’ll know; there will be spontaneous thunderclouds coming my way and hail, sleet, snow and rain will simultaneously fall on me all day. Or so :-D. Frogs and snakes too.
    You might want to make sure that you do not start to write ‘to inform your husband’ of things (about him?) you do not (yet) dare to say (in person to him). Or say things like ‘you should know that by now because I wrote it in blog this and this.’ ๐Ÿ˜€ Women normally accept that kind of stuff, men usually do not. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Which attitude I think is absolutely correct btw.
    Thank you again for a beautiful (real!!!) post and congrats on your day 79 :-).
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Untipsyteacher on said:

    Oh, I love your hubby!
    I have the same kind of hubby and I am so lucky, too.
    My family and friends all read my blog, and there are a few times I wish they didn’t, but I wanted them to read it to help support me.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Pretty neat that he’s reading along. I have no issues with self-censorship since I’m anonymous. But some day, when I’m no longer working, I’ll come out. I’ve often wondered if that will change my blogging. I look forward to finding out. Meanwhile, right here: Day 79! Good stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Robert Crisp on said:

    My wife reads my blog, which is great. She often knows what I’m going to put in it before I write, but sometimes it’s a surprise. If I need to write something only for me, it goes in my pen and paper journal. Congrats on 79 days!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’ve worried a few times about people I love reading my blog, but ultimately I started it to save myself and if I start censoring, it defeats the purpose and there’s no reason for the blog. It sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive person behind you and I would be that the more honest you are, the stronger you become as a couple!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I like how you said that, abbiegirl – ‘the only adult in the relationship for however long.’ Yes. So true! And thank you.*

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Aw, thank you, Millie! It’s nice to be back if in a limited way for the time being. And yes, things with the hubs are going supercalifragilicistically. *smile*

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Thank you for the very practical advice, Feeling! I’ve already used it a couple of times and told him what I was thinking in case I write about it later. …. And I love that you decided your blog is Your Blog. Yes! Very strong and liberating. Good for you! … And thank you!*

    Liked by 2 people

  11. That’s a great thing to think about as well, Wendy – that reading your blog helps them support you. Yes! …. And p.s. Maybe it’s the Minnesota in our hubses that makes them so sweet? hee. -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I love that, Robert. It shows how well she knows you and is in tune with you. Love that about love, don’t you? *smile* And thank you, p.s.!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Ooooh, I feel like you’re going to unmask yourself like a super hero! *smile* I think your blog is inspiring, and can only think good things will come of saying who you are and sharing what you’ve created in the long run. p.s. Thank you.*

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Oh, great words and thoughts re. the why behind starting the blog in the first place (yes!) and the bringing us closer together as a couple (yes!yes!). Thank you for finding me and commenting.* So wise! -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Ghegheghe, so it sounds like you are speaking more now instead of him reading the blog? That would be an even better result! Or….. ?
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

  16. For the most part, yes, I am. It’s pretty awesome … because he’s pretty awesome. *smile* I missed this part (the sharing) of our relationship and feeling connected.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. ๐Ÿ™‚ I am happy for you. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

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