And holy fuck is she busy!
… Yep. Hello. I’m here. School has sucked all of my time, and then my children have sucked any little droplet of time that’s left over.
I’m here and I am sober and kicking ass. Well, mostly.
It’s been a really good week and a really
(fucking awful/stressful/crazy) intense week. Here are some things….
Biggest blog news is that the hubs is now in the know. He knew about the blog all along, but didn’t read it because I wasn’t ready. Then, while I was away with the babes, he accidentally read a post, came clean to me (so sweet that he felt so bad about it – he thought it was one of your blogs that I had bookmarked on our iPad), it happened to be the post where I told all of you about my early 100-day celebration present before I had gotten home to tell him. Eep! He was mad (rightfully so), but also struggling with having read the post in the first place. (Can I get any luckier in the love department, people?) And I completely understood where he was coming from, but also felt that it was okay that it fell out the way it did. We came to an understanding, and now he is reading the blog. (Hi.*)
Quick query for my friends who have friends/family reading their blogs… How is it for you and yours? It hasn’t really been an issue for me because I haven’t had the time to write in what feels like so long, but I also worry about holding back my honest thoughts if and when they come up. I’ve promised the hubs I won’t do that – he’s been warned. *smile* But I also know there is a possibility of it happening subconsciously. What do you all do about that conundrum, hm?
For me, the cool thing about his reading the blog is that he’s more inside of my head and has access to seeing all of the things I am juggling and digging through in my recovery. I feel like it’s really helped our mutual understanding as he is a normie and does not have addiction tendencies. Not one lick! The lucky dog.
The other thing that was affected by his reading the blog when he did was that it made me get real honest real fast. Particularly, it made me worry that he had read the post before the ‘Premature Celebration.’ For those of you who haven’t read ‘More About My Monster,’ it is a bit about my discovery of alcohol and my subsequent abuse. When TH told me he had read my blog, I panicked. It became clear as we talked that he was in the dark about my more vulnerable story details, but it also became apparent that I had to tell him the truth. All of the truth. So I did. I came clean about my night with our daughter (more is in the linked post above) and how that really felt like my lowest point. All of my low points after that one were me avoiding my problem and trying to convince myself I didn’t have a problem.
I do. It’s called alcohol.
And while I love now miss it, my Life is so much fucking better now. Even when it sucks, it’s better. I feel so much better owning every feeling – even like the messy bits of confusion and hurt like what happened in my story with the hubs. I know I’ve said this a million times before, but being present for my life is the reward. I’m not missing anything. And because I am not hiding from any of it any longer, I have so much more confidence in who I am as a person. The equation is truly remarkable.
My last little bit here is to say more about the hubs…. He’s awesome. And I’m not just saying that because he now has permission to read these words. I am saying it because it’s true. The night we got into it, I ended up tearing up at one point because I told him how many recovery stories I’ve read, or heard where the marriage or the partnership doesn’t survive the alcoholism. How many times partners have walked away because things got too ugly, or the alcohol had changed the drinker too much, or …. countless other reasons. And here I am, eight years into our relationship, and thanking all that is holy that he is still here with me. And that he stuck with me even in the murkiest days and nights. Even when he was mad at me getting too drunk to walk into the house after a night out with friends. Even when he had to make sure I was okay through the early hours of the morning – passed out on the bathroom floor again. And again. Even when my drinking and my depression stole my light. When I wasn’t really Me anymore. He waited. And he was patient. And he loved me. In my most gruesome, monstrous form.
That’s incredible. … He’s incredible. And I am soso lucky.
I have more to share, but will save it all for another post. This one can stand alone as an ode to my guy.*
Day 79, one of my favorite numbers!