Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Confession.

Yesterday, I had a chance to sit with a friend and share with her more about my sobriety. I told her how much better I have been feeling, that my mood is completely changed over from the past several years, that I wake-up hangover-free, that my nights are longer and enjoyable, that I have more energy, and that I’m not overwhelmed any longer and trying to keep up every step of the way.

In short, I am happy! *smile*

I look back at last year, and I can tell my anxiety has lessened incredibly. I can’t say that I am anxiety-free – I have horrible stage fright (crazytalk for an actor/director) and that rears its head at the beginning of every school year like clockwork – but compared to last year, I am already more grounded and solid in my thinking and overall being. I feel different. I feel more solid. I feel more whole. And yes, I am taking a mood stabilizer, but I really, truly believe it is my drinking, or lack thereof, that is changing my life significantly. Instead of trying to accomplish every little thing and prove I am worth the space I take up in this world, I am already sure that I am enough as I am. No proving, no running, no spinning required. Fuck all that. This way – this Sober way – feels so much better. I feel like I can breathe again. What a beautiful relief.

….. …. … .. .

Note: I will admit that I am a bit anxious about the school year. We are having a major shift in leadership, so that always throws everyone for a loop. I am nervous about it as well, as I worry about the more formal environment being set-up and required. I worry that we as teachers will lose our personal identity, or be forced to, and that the machine of the institution will become more important than the unique qualities of the individuals. We shall see…

Because of the school year kicking off, I have been completely away this week, and I have to tell you – I miss you! My to-read blog list is longer than it was on vacation. I keep trying to catch-up, but only get to two or three a day. I am hoping my weekend will solve this problem. I don’t want to break away from this great community and all of your inspiration, so I am holding on with my fingertips at the moment.

Day 73, wait for me!

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16 thoughts on “Confession.

  1. The thing is medications like mood stabilisers often don’t work when you are drinking. My antidepressants did nothing when I was drinking. So the drinking has helped even if part of that helping is meaning the mood stabilisers are able to work.

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  2. My advice- set 10 minutes once a day. Read the blogs. Ding move on
    If you have more time some days great. Otherwise you got your reminder of sober life and took a few minutes for you.

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  3. What I have discovered about anxiety lately is that it is (mainly, generally speaking…) a very good indication of haha, what I fear. Yes… sounds funny, but I noticed that I can get so lost in making up reasons to fear stuff that I do not recognise it as fear. Personally I do not think it is possible for anybody (let alone a person so vibrant as you!! :-)) to not be their own personality in a class room. No matter what rules, it is my experience that after 3-4 weeks the attention of the topic changes to something else. And if not… create a new topic yourself! 😉 That’s how governments do it ! 😀
    Congrats on your day 73, you are doing so great. 🙂
    xx, Feeling

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  4. You sound very much ready to take on the world, what a great feeling that must be for you – 73 days under your belt to be proud of and set you up nicely for the new term – well done you 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Untipsyteacher on said:

    As a former teacher, I can relate to your anxiety about school changes.
    Usually, everything was okay, even with the changes.
    Take one day at a time with school.
    I know you will have a super school year!
    xo
    Wendy

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  6. Robert Crisp on said:

    First day (or first week, or first three week) nerves are hard, but they were always harder when I was drinking. My obsessive thinking would take control, an that would make my nervousness worse. I still break into a sweat when I walk into class, but I combat it by bringing a little fan with me, which isn’t all that unusual, since the classrooms are so warm. I don’t care what people think about the fan, either. Some students snicker when I set up my fan, and part of me wants to tell them the whole story (which includes a mood stabilizer, too, thank God). Instead, I shrug and say, “I’m really hot-natured. I come to life in the fall and winter.”

    Good luck with the start of the school year.

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  7. It sounds like you’re managing the stress of this new beginning (a new school year with new leadership + rules) very well. Congratulations for noticing these positive changes and wanting to keep embracing them. 🙂

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  8. You are so true. …. How wonderful is it when everything starts working together, as opposed to trying their damnedest to work at cross purposes? I was so tired all the time when I was drinking, but it’s because I was digging my own hole every day and having to figure out how to get out of it every morning. Rinse and repeat. This is much, much better.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. That’s a good idea, Anne.* …. My biggest sadness right now, though, is falling behind on so many people’s stories. I feel like a crap friend when I’m four (or six) days behind everyone’s lives.

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  10. I love this. Thank you, Feeling! Especially your connection to anxiety=fear… I’m going to look into that a lot. Ha. I feel like it will connect directly into my classroom work! *smile* Thank you for the inspiration.*

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  11. Yes. It’s always that one day at a time reminder for so much of life, isn’t it? *smile* Funny how well it works!

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  12. Thank you, Robert.* I hope the year is going well for you, too! As for the fan, every teacher has their quirk (whether we know it or not), so I’m sure the kids think nothing of it really. I hope you’re well.* -HM.

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  13. Thank you, Dinah.* I’m happy to connect with you. And how cool that you have your MFA – where did you study? I’m always looking for great programs for my grads. Where are you now? If you want to talk privately about it, email me at heyamonster@gmail.com Happy Monday.*

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I will definitely email you!

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  15. 🙂 Glad you can appreciate it, it’s still always a shot in the dark when posting something online. Did you see your e-mail ;-).
    xx, Feeling

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