Happy (with Hurdles).
Alright, so…. Current hurdle is that my bloggy-posting-engine is not working. I am stuck in the HTML form, which I am sure will make this post look all kinds of funky. Kind of perfect, though, considering my kind-of-funky mood. I will consider this a sign from the gods that the immediate world around me is mirroring what I am putting out at this current moment. As Millie and I were talking about, sometimes we have to fake it ’til we make it. And do you know? I really do believe the idea. Very much, in fact. But right now? I am having the darnedest time with it. I am okay during most of the daytime hours, and then when I am with my kids and doing stuff, having adventures with the fan (we’re on vacation at the mo), etc., but as soon as I have a minute to think, I just turn inward.
I am feeling like I want a lot of things in that one minute. First and foremost, I would like to have true time to myself. In the midst of Quality Family Time (QFT), the most alone time I have is with the kids’ movies playing in the background. It is not super-easy reading blogs (I finally caught up!! *flex*), or writing this blog, or just thinking in general.
And the reason why I want some alone time is because I am feeling the brunt of sobriety in the right here, right now (Jesus Jones anyone?). We are staying at a love-ily resort off of Lake Superior, surrounded by woods and trails, tons of shoreline, and some sweet little towns with cute li’l cafes and shops, etc. It really is wonderful, and such a treat for my husband to be back to the places he remembers from when he was a child. It is so similar to my own childhood vacations, we are having all kinds of fun. Okay, I was alluding to bad stuff while all that I just said is all good stuff. Hrm. So where’s the problem?
Every time we go out for a meal, which is every meal here, we are usually at a pub or a restaurant with alcoholic beverages. And while it’s not horrible and I’ve put myself in the situation a number of times during my sobriety already, I have not experienced this unrelenting parade of beer and wine and cocktails, nor have I actually been on vacation. And actually? That might be the hook right there. The being on vacation part. It just feels different. It feels like I should get a treat. I should get a reward. And I am in the predicament of not being able ‘to let go’ in the way I used to be able to whilst on vacation, i.e. Start drinking at 11 am and continue on through the day, while excusing my behavior and choices by saying ‘I’m on vacation!’ (Cue wine-splashing-prime-time-giggle-fest-girl-time-moment. (NOT. (More like… Cue mom-who-tries-to-hide-the-bottle-of-wine-two-beers-and-a-bloody-in-one-day-while-trying-to-keep-up-with-her-family-and-who?-what?-me?-drunk?-nooooooo-I’m-just-a-little-tipsy-I’m-on-vacation-WHEE!-followed-by-a-foggy-hangover-and-as-many-repeats-as-she-can-get-away-with.)))
So, yeah. Vacation sober is nice. It’s just tough.
And the wedding-party-booze-bash I walked into at the lodge tonight was kind of my last straw. Fuckers. Mazel tov to the happy couple, of course, but curses to all of their guests and their drinking ways. Seriously, people. Corridors of people with cute stemware, half-filled bottles, cocktail glasses with swizzle sticks. I felt like I was in 1950s horror flick where every which way I turned booze was Here and Here! and Here!!! DUMDUMDUUUUUUUUUM! (Confession: I miiiiiight have exaggerated the drama a little bit in this recreation.)
So yes. Any time we’ve been in the communal areas around our vacay, I am feeling overexposed and vulnerable, and today was definitely the worst of it by far. Not the best ramp-up as we are leaving tomorrow. Bom-bah.
I’ve been very open with the hubs and told him on the first day I was just feeling a little anxious. I didn’t factor in the complications and stress of just getting ready to leave town, and I was kicking myself for not packing the gabapentine. I am now still in the action of kicking myself as the boozy factors seem to increase and multiply like bad choices on MTV’s Spring Break. (Confession: I may have thrown that simile in for the mere opportunity of throwing it in.)
Add to all this the fact that I had a cigarette for the first time in yeeeeears last weekend, and now I am absolutely craving the opportunity to just Let Go. If only for two minutes.
. .. … …. ….. (I’m collecting myself) ….. …. … .. .
You may be wondering where exactly the Happy I mentioned is in all this, huh?
Well, there is the obvious and Most Important: I AM STILL SOBER. Despite it being shit. And hard. And trickier than anticipated. And more aggravating than I’ve expected it to be. And even though it hasn’t been perfect, or tidy, or wrapped up in a bow? I am still sober. And That is fucking awesome.
(Wow. My shoulders just dropped writing that last sentence, because it is so true. It is SO fucking awesome.)
The other Happy in all this? I’m on vacation. With my fam. And we are having some great adventures. Today, for example, my 2- and 4-year olds climbed and hiked over a significant number of rocks to reach a gorgeous point at the end of a scenic peninsula. So. Cool. And amazing to share that moment with them. Beautiful and fun. And there have been so many moments like that all through the long-weekend. So happy to be here with them. And with the hubs. So lucky.
And when tomorrow comes, the babes and I are headed on another road trip to visit my parents, while the hubs heads back home for work Monday. Our vacation will continue, as will my sobriety. And? Having a little more control over my surroundings will help a shit tonne. Plus, my parents will be in on the sober-thing, too, so that will help in all of our goings-on. I will catch-up with a few old high school girlfriends, and spend time with people I love in places I love. What could be better?
So really? Happy.
Quite, quite happy. I just needed to dig a little. I got here in the end. *smile*
Coolest part about today? ….. (Wait for it) …
Complete with 60 exclamation points.