Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Happy (with Hurdles).

Alright, so…. Current hurdle is that my bloggy-posting-engine is not working. I am stuck in the HTML form, which I am sure will make this post look all kinds of funky. Kind of perfect, though, considering my kind-of-funky mood. I will consider this a sign from the gods that the immediate world around me is mirroring what I am putting out at this current moment. As Millie and I were talking about, sometimes we have to fake it ’til we make it. And do you know? I really do believe the idea. Very much, in fact. But right now? I am having the darnedest time with it. I am okay during most of the daytime hours, and then when I am with my kids and doing stuff, having adventures with the fan (we’re on vacation at the mo), etc., but as soon as I have a minute to think, I just turn inward.

I am feeling like I want a lot of things in that one minute. First and foremost, I would like to have true time to myself. In the midst of Quality Family Time (QFT), the most alone time I have is with the kids’ movies playing in the background. It is not super-easy reading blogs (I finally caught up!! *flex*), or writing this blog, or just thinking in general.

And the reason why I want some alone time is because I am feeling the brunt of sobriety in the right here, right now (Jesus Jones anyone?). We are staying at a love-ily resort off of Lake Superior, surrounded by woods and trails, tons of shoreline, and some sweet little towns with cute li’l cafes and shops, etc. It really is wonderful, and such a treat for my husband to be back to the places he remembers from when he was a child. It is so similar to my own childhood vacations, we are having all kinds of fun. Okay, I was alluding to bad stuff while all that I just said is all good stuff. Hrm. So where’s the problem?

Every time we go out for a meal, which is every meal here, we are usually at a pub or a restaurant with alcoholic beverages. And while it’s not horrible and I’ve put myself in the situation a number of times during my sobriety already, I have not experienced this unrelenting parade of beer and wine and cocktails, nor have I actually been on vacation. And actually? That might be the hook right there. The being on vacation part. It just feels different. It feels like I should get a treat. I should get a reward. And I am in the predicament of not being able ‘to let go’ in the way I used to be able to whilst on vacation, i.e. Start drinking at 11 am and continue on through the day, while excusing my behavior and choices by saying ‘I’m on vacation!’ (Cue wine-splashing-prime-time-giggle-fest-girl-time-moment. (NOT. (More like… Cue mom-who-tries-to-hide-the-bottle-of-wine-two-beers-and-a-bloody-in-one-day-while-trying-to-keep-up-with-her-family-and-who?-what?-me?-drunk?-nooooooo-I’m-just-a-little-tipsy-I’m-on-vacation-WHEE!-followed-by-a-foggy-hangover-and-as-many-repeats-as-she-can-get-away-with.)))

So, yeah. Vacation sober is nice. It’s just tough.

And the wedding-party-booze-bash I walked into at the lodge tonight was kind of my last straw. Fuckers. Mazel tov to the happy couple, of course, but curses to all of their guests and their drinking ways. Seriously, people. Corridors of people with cute stemware, half-filled bottles, cocktail glasses with swizzle sticks. I felt like I was in 1950s horror flick where every which way I turned booze was Here and Here! and Here!!! DUMDUMDUUUUUUUUUM! (Confession: I miiiiiight have exaggerated the drama a little bit in this recreation.)

So yes. Any time we’ve been in the communal areas around our vacay, I am feeling overexposed and vulnerable, and today was definitely the worst of it by far. Not the best ramp-up as we are leaving tomorrow. Bom-bah.

I’ve been very open with the hubs and told him on the first day I was just feeling a little anxious. I didn’t factor in the complications and stress of just getting ready to leave town, and I was kicking myself for not packing the gabapentine. I am now still in the action of kicking myself as the boozy factors seem to increase and multiply like bad choices on MTV’s Spring Break. (Confession: I may have thrown that simile in for the mere opportunity of throwing it in.)

Add to all this the fact that I had a cigarette for the first time in yeeeeears last weekend, and now I am absolutely craving the opportunity to just Let Go. If only for two minutes.

GAH.

. .. … …. ….. (I’m collecting myself) ….. …. … .. .

You may be wondering where exactly the Happy I mentioned is in all this, huh?

Well, there is the obvious and Most Important: I AM STILL SOBER. Despite it being shit. And hard. And trickier than anticipated. And more aggravating than I’ve expected it to be. And even though it hasn’t been perfect, or tidy, or wrapped up in a bow? I am still sober. And That is fucking awesome.

(Wow. My shoulders just dropped writing that last sentence, because it is so true. It is SO fucking awesome.)

The other Happy in all this? I’m on vacation. With my fam. And we are having some great adventures. Today, for example, my 2- and 4-year olds climbed and hiked over a significant number of rocks to reach a gorgeous point at the end of a scenic peninsula. So. Cool. And amazing to share that moment with them. Beautiful and fun. And there have been so many moments like that all through the long-weekend. So happy to be here with them. And with the hubs. So lucky.

And when tomorrow comes, the babes and I are headed on another road trip to visit my parents, while the hubs heads back home for work Monday. Our vacation will continue, as will my sobriety. And? Having a little more control over my surroundings will help a shit tonne. Plus, my parents will be in on the sober-thing, too, so that will help in all of our goings-on. I will catch-up with a few old high school girlfriends, and spend time with people I love in places I love. What could be better?

So really? Happy.

Quite, quite happy. I just needed to dig a little. I got here in the end. *smile*

Coolest part about today? ….. (Wait for it) …

DAY 60!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Complete with 60 exclamation points.

*flex*

Advertisements

Single Post Navigation

17 thoughts on “Happy (with Hurdles).

  1. SIXTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!hear that everyone!!! S.I.X.T.Y. Congratulations to you HM, couldn’t be prouder.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nice!
    Vacation brings out that want to let your hair down, especially when you see others indulging.
    But bask in the hangover free mornings. Notice the ability to remain calm instead of creating drama (well, maybe that was just me…and drama usually ended with me passed out on the bed, book in hand).

    I bet the days have been much more satisfying than they would have been.

    You rock!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. sometimes the sober perspectacles show us things that are overwhelming at first… like how alcohol-saturated our society is, how it is promoted as a necessity for having THE GOOD TIME at all times, how vacations are seen as the time when all bets are off and we can just let loose….

    the blogger MTM had a great phrase for this, which is that it is not the drinking that we enjoyed on vacations, but the LICENCE to drink as much as we wish.

    your mind will calm the hell down in good time, and see it, shrug, and let it go. but at the moment I can see that it is VERY LOUD out there for you.

    this is better, though, no?! 60 days. you are DOING THIS! xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Heya, Monster. You are really in the thick of it and doing GREAT! πŸ™‚ Loving the *flex* Ghegheghe, feels very real. :-).
    I’ve got nothing to add here apart from wondering why you don’t you make it easy on you; make some sandwhiches, grab some juices and have at least your lunch in the forest, at a shoreline or… ? The kids will love it. πŸ™‚ As a real camper I call also tell you: don’t forget the toiletpaper. πŸ˜€
    And put in a request for some you-time, thinking that could help you stay centered too. πŸ™‚
    Happy holliday! (It is very secret but I’ll be spending at least 2 hours this afternoon to write a comedy show. I have always wanted that and inspiration is suddenly flooding. Let’s see. :-D)
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Robert Crisp on said:

    I agree with feelmywaybackintolife…day 60 is quite in the thick of it. But you’re aware of that and using your tools to stay sober. Keep it up and enjoy the rest of your vacation.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 60! That’s six-oh, people! Nice round number:) After a while, watching people drink is boooooring. And smug-making. “Oh, having another one, are you???”
    Your vacation sounds lovely AND you will remember all of it! Clearly!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. So well put. Thank you, Prim!

    Like

  8. They absolutely are. Thank you, Anne! (p.s. Do you pronounce your name ‘Ann’ or ‘Annie’?)

    Like

  9. *smile* Thank you, Mille! For everything.*

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Logical problem-solving?! Wah? I know not of what you speak….. *smile* Complete sarcasm there, in case it doesn’t come through via type font. hee. No, really, that is a great idea. I will definitely have that in mind for the near future, as well as the far futures to come. Thank you for the idea.* …. Will work on the me-time request. Might be a bit hard to come by for the next week, but who knows? Someone might surprise me and help out. And I can always ask, too, can’t I? …. How did the comedy show go? How fun! What’s the premise? Glad the creative juices are flowing. Woo-hoo!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Thank you, Betty! And yes, I will remember all of it – a new and unique development for me… *smile*

    Like

  12. Ann.

    It was Anne Marie until I was a teenager. Now only my mom calls me that.

    Like

  13. Hell to the yeah for you in holding onto your sobriety, I so enjoyed this post. I have felt the same way in the midst of events that revolve around alcohol.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Being surrounded by so many others drinking during our holiday has been an interesting experience and has reinforced my desire to give up in the forever sense. Its not been easy all the time but only from the point of wondering what I’m gonna say but then realising that hell no one really gives a shit about what I’m drinking anyway so long as I’m not affecting them
    60 days is AWESOME β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…
    Doing Great

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Thank you, Liz. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in these feelings. Thank you for the comment, too! It’s nice to connect with you.*

    Like

  16. Haha! Love the stars.* Thank you! And yeah to the realizations we make in sobriety, right? So many eye-opening thoughts keep occurring to me. Crazy.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: