Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Party Girl.


As I said in last post, I have been incredibly social these past couple of weeks, and this weekend has been kind of the apex of it all…

Friday night, I was out with a girlfriend after one of my shows for food and a long visit.

Saturday night, I went to a closing cast party with my first show that had its final performance that night. My friends who were hosting were very aware of the underage actors in the cast, and so made a blanket decision to have a sober party for everyone. (How cool and considerate is that?! (I would have never have done that myself. Screw the young ones.)) If this were two months ago, I would have been in the center of my drinking storm, and I don’t think I would have gone. But since I am sober and free of the booze, I did go and I had a Great time! I can’t help but wonder how much I’ve been missing all these years…

Sunday night, another closing cast party for my second show’s final performance. However, this party definitely had booze. … The booze wasn’t a Huge issue for me. I bought myself a big can of Coke Zero ahead of time, then had a glass of lemonade, followed by water the rest of the night. Everyone was happy because the three shows from the season were celebrating a great overall turnout for the summer. We were all bonding, chatting, laughing, and as I said, many were drinking. …. Has this happened to anyone else sober? For the life of me, I could not tell who was drunk or tipsy unless I was right up by their face (usually for a hug or two). Everyone was incredibly happy because of what we were celebrating, but seriously. I could not figure out who was drinking-drinking versus who was just sipping one. So weird. I was kind of wishing for super-dee-duper-infra-booze-goggles or something to ding or light up when someone was near me and very drunk. It wasn’t bad or anything, it was just discombobulating not being able to tell. …. Funny, though, because the hubs said he could tell right away. But, then again, he is a normie (psh!), and has had years of watching people drink until drunk.

My one ‘confession’ to last night was that I had a cigarette, or rather, a stinkarette as we call them in our house. I haven’t had one in almost eight years, but last night I just wanted to be a little bad. And I wasn’t missing or yearning for a drink, but I guess I wanted something to let me feel like I was letting go, or that I could be a little ‘naughty.’ I don’t love that that was my association or thinking because it is on the edge of reward-thinking, which is what my drinking habit started as so many years ago, so I am definitely aware of that slippery slope. However, my teeth were hurting from the sugary drink, and I didn’t want more candy or chocolate. So? I had a cigarette. Not super-excited that I did, but also not thinking a ton about it. It may sound like it because I am writing about it, but I am writing about it because it happened. …. Know what I mean? … Honestly, I probably won’t have another one for another eight years, but yes. I did have one last night. And? I still woke-up hangover free. So that’s good…. and a little bad.

Now, I’m about to run down to Grammy’s house to pick-up our babes to meet a former student/friend for a hike. Should be fun! Looking forward to it.

Day 55, Monday, Monday….

p.s. With all these outings, I find myself telling more people (people I love and trust) about my sobriety. My sober world is growing slowly and carefully around me. …. Feels like my cocoon is getting some wiggle room in here. *smile*




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6 thoughts on “Party Girl.

  1. Sometimes we just need to be bad.
    Hubby started chewing tobacco again in sobriety. He still is, 20 months later.
    So try not to let it. Sneak up on you.

    My vices mainly involve food. Cheesecake and peanut butter cups. I starved myself for years, so these are treats and I enjoy every single bite. Guilt free.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Isn’t that exactly right? Humans are so funny… *smile* I definitely enjoyed the cig, but yes. My vice is usually M&Ms… Yum! Oh, and shishi coffee drinks that cost too much money. Hee.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I get that feeling of wanting to be bad (or what I call be a grown up). Like, mom why cant we ……because your not a grown up. I’m trying to counter act that with letting me kids do crazy stuff, like ice cream for breakfast or no rules Saturday. Things get too structured, like no alcohol, and I just want it, just because I can! This is still my toughest trigger.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Do you mean the ‘wanting to be bad’ trigger? … I love the ideas with your kids. What do you think that would look like for us grown-ups?


  5. Yep, the wanting to be bad. I thought rewarding myself extra would help. It does, but I’m still craving that “thing”. That escape feeling. Is it an adreneline rush? Would sky diving help? Or am I just tired of being a “good” girl? Good idea to explore!


  6. ‘Stinkerette,’ love it haha!

    Liked by 1 person

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