Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

My First Real Punch.

Right to the chin.

It came from out of nowhere.

Or, at least I wasn’t expecting or anticipating it in anyway.

Bam!

Last night, my (wonderful, extraordinary) mother-in-law invited us over for roast beast. Delisch. Amazing meal. As always.

The hubs and I were trying to get the babes fed quickly so that we could pile into the car and get to a movie across town. I was in the middle of loading up the babes’ plates before everyone else went through the line, and just as I was finishing them up, my MIL asked me if I could open a bottle of wine for her and her other guests (a couple who is dear friends of the family).

I froze for a second. My heart stopped. All of the usual cliche in-the-moment sorts of things….

The layer of skin just under my skin flared up into full-on itch-mode. My breathing quickened, and my mind started to spin around a cloudy mass of grey… No real thoughts or words, but just a feeling jumble of everything and nothing all at once. I was disoriented and shaky.

I reached for the bottle and the opener, opened it quickly, kept my eyes averted and did not offer to help get down wine glasses, and then went back to the plates.

The moment was over.

But I was still itchy and spinning.

I brought the babes’ plates to the table, dished myself a plate as quickly as possible, and then sat down and ate – again, quickly.

The friend and MIL had their glasses there… And I caught myself being more aware of them than I had been of alcoholic beverages at the bar this past week or two. I know it’s because of opening the bottle myself. … It wasn’t a trigger, but it did strike up a huge feeling of loss. The fact that I wasn’t opening the bottle for myself. That I wasn’t going to pour or drink any of it. It wasn’t a longing loss… It was … How do I put it? It brought my sobriety into stark contrast to What Used to Be. …. And honestly, had it been ‘Then,’ I would have had three glasses to their one, and hoped they wouldn’t notice how much I drank. I would have been happy, but guilty and nervous most of the evening. We definitely would not be taking the babes to a movie, because I most likely would want to head home where I could open a second bottle of wine, or dive further into an already-opened box and drink until I fell asleep or passed out. … In actuality, the sober punch was and is a better situation than what was – by far. I was just completely thrown for a loop.

I got to thinking, later, that if I had been hosting at my own house, I would have prepared for the moment, and would have opened the bottle without that screeching halt of all mental and physical goings on. But because I was caught off-guard, I got knocked off my feet. I know I can be around alcohol and people drinking without much issue, as I’ve done it four or five times in the past two weeks, but again. Surprise!

Oh, and let me point out my first reaction was to put my head down and charge through the moment, as opposed to looking around and asking for help from the hubs or something. What, me ask for help? Definitely not my first instinct, as is obvious by this situation… Must work on that. Thought I was getting better at it, but reflex-wise, definitely not. Putting that on my to-do list….

So. There you are. I wanted to share.

Talking to the hubs on our way to the theatre, I mentioned to him still feeling itchy about it all, and he said he’d wondered if I was going to be alright. He started speaking for his mom, and I told him I wasn’t mad at her at all. Not even a little. Just surprised. And again, itchy, which I am beginning to think is my physical association anytime I am significantly uncomfortable mentally. Add to the fact my MIL has significant arthritis in her thumbs and wrists, and that I was the one closest, and that (in days gone by) I am the one who knows my way blind-folded and upside-down with hands tied behind my back around a wine caddy, I get why she asked me to help. Again, just surprised. Since I’ve stopped drinking, it just hasn’t been present at family meals, which is crazy to think, because we would go through at least four bottles a week together in days of yore. I assumed she wasn’t going to drink last night, and then she did. Heck, even her friend was surprised I wasn’t drinking and said something about it. I just blew it off like some easy, breezy, carefree flippant thing, and all was fine with that.

But the bottle.

The cork.

The action of opening the bottle.

I was thrown.

…. I’m better now. Reliving a bit of last night in writing this out, but also think it’s too important to skip over. Being the ‘feeling’ person I am, I have a bit of the itch back from last night, but once I get going for the day, I’m sure it will dissipate pretty quickly. The babes and I are off for a nature hike, and I am looking forward to that very much.

Day 50, still full of surprises…

p.s. Halfway to 100!!! *flex*

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7 thoughts on “My First Real Punch.

  1. I think there are lots of little bits in our brain which get very excited by physical triggers like opening a bottle, or pulling the golden string off a package of cigarettes. they are so well known to us and those neurons all start firing together in anticipation and then…. nada. whaaaaaa??????

    I still don’t feel relaxed about opening a bottle, for what its worth. or pouring out wine for someone else. any of those habitual things. still too close for comfort.

    here’s to halfway! toasting you with a ginger beer, lime and mint no-jito. yum!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for the quick reply, Prim. Needing some camaraderie this am. it was tricky, but it’s over and I made it. That’s what matters.

    And oh, yum! Your drink sounds delisch!

    Like

  3. Hugs.
    I know you feel ok around drinking, but it is still draining. Especially this, an unexpected request to provide alcohol. Open it, pour it.

    It is not unreasonable to ask others to refrain from drinking around you for a while. If you think they can’t, that’s ok, but you can make it clear that you won’t be providing alcohol in your house or touching it at others.

    There is a lot of loss and sadness that comes with sobriety. Initially there is the feeling we are giving up something familiar, that we love and need.
    Eventually it becomes very clear that we never needed it and it sure does not love us back. And the loss fades away.

    You are doing great. You see the down side. Life is so much better going to movies with the kids. It sure beats sitting on the couch with a glass all alone.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Isn’t it better writing about it! AND you have a cool dude to talk with about it AND he was concerned about you.AND you have sober friends here who get it. So maybe it wasn’t just about opening the wine but learning about what an amazing support team you have created for yourself 🙂 Next time MIL asks for help you can giggle because all these people are opening it with you. Lori

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 🙂 You did well. 🙂 Congrats on your day 50. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You hit it on the head, Anne, when you said alcohol being ‘something familiar.’ Yes! Exactly. Even from where I sit now, I know I don’t need it, nor do I want it – not really. But it’s the familiar that I still have in my bones somewhere…. Stupid bones. Thank you for the kind words! ‘Yes’ to adventures over booze. Every time!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Love this. Thank you, Lori.*

    Like

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