Sitting here waiting for my sweet boyo to finish his lunch and to finish his episode of Dora. So dang cute the way he shouts back to the program. I love that he feels engaged and I love the way he engages so freely.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be 2 years old again?
That freedom. That whole range of emotion without filter (okay, maybe I can still relate to that one…). I love his sincerity – even when he is sincerely pushing every single one of my buttons simultaneously. I love his whole-heartedness. I even love his bull-headedness and the way he screams to show me when that is his current state of mind. I love his sweetness and the way he cuddles his kitties/babies. I love the way he changes his voice to play so many different roles – sometimes high and flutey, other times low, gruff, and monstery (he is my son after all *smile*). I love the way he sings in pitch and remembers words from songs I don’t even know. I love his wiggle dances, and his completely unabashed bravery as he goes for Every Thing. I love the way he hugs me tight and says, ‘I love you.’ I love his sigh when he is happy. I love that he is completely his own … I am merely the lucky satellite who gets to orbit his world.
Now, because this is a blog, and because it is my blog, and because I am a person and people tend to be self-involved, I am going to make this about me…. Even though I could sit and think about my boyo’s sweet everythings all day…
This past month and a little, I am slowly finding my own brave moments. I am finding ways to be honest even when I am not quite sure it is entirely safe. I am learning to use my voice and say or do what I feel like doing. … I am much less people-pleasey than I had been when I was drinking. I am feeling more confident and happy, even if the angry and grouchy bits are showing more regularly.
I am enjoying this journey. … And especially because it’s summer, I think it is making the whole transition that much more enjoyable. Even though Time used to automatically encourage me to reach for a glass of wine or a beer, I am now finding that it is just nice to have Time and to enjoy it for what it is. *lesigh* Content. … I am feeling that more than I ever have in my life, I think.
A few dorky-life things?
I am trying to actually use the groceries in my fridge and cupboards, so that has been a fun challenge. And it feels so rewarding to open up the fridge and see such beautiful, colorful food! Yum! Connected to this, I am trying to curb my coffee-spending …. slightly. So I’ve started this (again) dorky thing. I take my extra coffee from the morning and pour it into ice cube trays. Then, in the afternoons or early evenings before my rehearsals, I fill up my to-go cup with tons of coffee-cubes, and then pour some of that new ready-made latte yumminess from Starbucks or Caribou over it all. It took almost a week to use my first bottle, and I think I made at least seven drinks out of it. Awesome! And yum!
Another thing, slightly connected with bipolarismness, I am buying a few too many fun things lately – especially clothes. Part of it, I’m sure is hypo-mania connected to summer and sun and enough vitamin D. Another part of it is connected to actually having some self-confidence about my body and how I am feeling inside, compared to how I used to feel when I was drinking every night. I just feel like I am glowing … not to the extent of a supernova, but in the range of supernova-glowyness. And that feeling is making me want to strut. And shine. And exude. All good things, I think. So, yes. A little spending, but still okay. (Although, I do need to stop Now so that I don’t blow my monthly budget.) … And? Last fun thing connected to that? I bought my first bikini in 8 years! Talk about confidence. Well, I haven’t actually tried it on, but we shall see. I ordered it online last night, and when I showed it to the hubs he just got this jolt of energy and said and emphatic, ‘Yes!’ … Because he’s been trying to make me realize that even though I’m in my thirties, I don’t have to be a completely fuddy-dud. (By using the word ‘fuddy-dud,’ I think I automatically become one, though, don’t you?)
Anyway, I’m excited. … In theory. … I’ll keep you posted when Reality knocks on my door. *smile*
Alright. Off to naps with that sweet, wonderful boy I described above. Gah. He is amazing.
Day 42, I’m in love.