Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Fessin’ Up.

So here I sit with my cuppa joe and my laptop, ready to come clean.

I mentioned loooooong ago (a whole month?) that I have two nasty ol’ monsters hanging on my back – 1 Alcoholism, and 2 Bipolarismness. I really did not tread lightly into addressing them both head-on this summer, because the day before I started a mood stabilizer was the day I got sober. And that is where my confession lies. I feel like I’ve been cheating somewhat, or maybe had an added impetus to stay sober, which has helped a lot some days.

There are definitely others out there who take meds which cannot be mixed with alcohol. And? My shame-based secret is that I avoided any med that would require me to stop drinking for a long time. I think that’s weird. I think it’s sad that I would choose drinking over balancing out my brain and making my life easier. … I thought the drink was making my life easier. I didn’t want to let go of my daily reward (1 bottle of wine) for the life of me. Three months ago, I started one drug option, only to develop the beginnings of a life-threatening syndrome (eep!), which led us to realize I was allergic to said-scary-drug, and thus discontinue use. (I pride myself on the wise decision that was.)

I kind of hung out with myself for the next two months, avoiding another jump into a new mood stabilizer, and dragging my feet while kind of, sort of doing a little work towards getting sober. My shrink prescribed gabapentin, which I took maaaaaaybe once a week, instead of drinking. I was not to mix the two at all, so I would have a mini-convo in my head every night to decide which way I would go. Let’s be honest, after two weeks of choosing the drink over the drug, I stuck with the drink and only told my shrink a nicer version of the story… That I had maybe ten sober days in two months, when I really maybe had three. Her whole goal for me was to get me off alcohol so that we could discern which symptoms were which – alcohol’s or bipolar’s – definitely not an easy puzzle to figure out when they’re a-happenin’ at the same time.

So. After the gabapentin, that was right around the time when for whatever reason, I was just kind of Ready. And I still don’t know why I chose it when I did – Sobriety, I mean – but I did. I just started. The next day, I went to my shrink and told her I was one day sober. She jumped on the chance to give me a nighttime mood stabilizer (quetiapine/Seroquel), as well as Naltrexone for the drinking – to help me stay away from it, or at least to change the way it affected me. So, I started those right away that same day, and I’ve been on them ever since.

The ‘fessin’ up’ is because I feel like a little bit of a cheater. These drugs knock me the fuck out. I take them around 10 pm most nights, and by 11/11:15, I am sawing logs. As someone who used to reach for alcohol for the numbing effects it has, I feel a little like I’ve replaced it with something else. Granted, I can still function on the drugs (mostly), but there is definitely a relaxation and drooly-sleepiness that comes with them. So in that way, I feel like I’m cheating a little, because I have the release into the extra, expanded drowsiness.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not doing this without a little (or actually, quite a lot of) help, or without a little threat hanging over my head, i.e. I can’t mix the quetiapine with alcohol or its side effects may worsen. And I have the Naltrexone to soften the effect of alcohol if I do jump off this wagon. (Not planning to, for the record.) I have been an easy-A-student my whole life (I’m an asshole), and along with it, I have this weird moral code in me that gets flustered even at the idea of cheating. And I think that’s how I am feeling a bit about these meds and trekking the sober path this past month. I feel like I’m cheating. Like I’m pulling one over on… Someone. Somewhere. Intellectually, I know sobriety is hard enough as it is, and that I shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed or like I’m cheating, because the truth is I Am Sober. And who cares how I got here? … It also goes to show you (and me) I am not doing this Alone (for once in my life). I have got support up the wazoo, and I am reaching out for it on a regular basis (also a first for me).

… … Oh…. …..Wait… … Um, okay…. …  …. Thanks, blogopolites! You just reframed my thinking. You are so sneaky and so clever when you do that! So, okay. What I hear you saying is that I am seeking and asking for and depending on help to get through this sober- and mental-rebirth, and you know what? You’re right! Awesome. Now I feel better. You’re the best, blogolopitans.*

Moral Crisis Averted.

Day 31, gettin’ high (on Life) with a little help from my friends.

 

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7 thoughts on “Fessin’ Up.

  1. Like your reframing moves, Monster!

    And like being a blogopolitan, too. Greatly because it makes me think of Neopolitan icecream. You know, the sort with stripes of strawberry chocolate and vanilla? Because ALL THE FLAVOURS is my favourite 🙂

    Good luck telling all your folks later. Let us know how you get on, yes? Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. riding on empty on said:

    You make me laugh. Um, you’re sober. You’re not drinking. You’re taking care of yourself. And you feel guilty about how it’s working? FFS, really? I don’t know you, I don’t know your backstory, but fuck, girl, you’re doing it! Who cares how? Keep on keepin’ on. For what it’s worth, my mood stabilizer works like shit when I drink. Funny thing – it works when I don’t. How about that….

    Liked by 4 people

  3. You are dealing with two BFD probs at once, the getting-your-shit-together meter is spiking in the red! Two birds- one stone, if you can but dig it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Loved this. Thank you for the jolt of reality. Very helpful. And a good laugh. *smile* More tomorrow! (News, I mean, not neuroses.)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you, Prim.* More tomorrow. Swearsies. And yay to all the ice cream – ever!

    Like

  6. It’s like you said to me early on, it’s not how you came to do it, it’s the fact that you’re doing it that matters. Don’t beat yourself up when you don’t need to.
    I’m ashamed to admit I have been in the alcohol cum medication loop myself in the past so applaud you for having the strength to hit it face on…. Well done {}

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you, WSB.* Glad to hear from you again! How are you?

    Like

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