Itchy Trigger Finger.
So, I must admit to spinning a little faster these days in my head – both positively and negatively.
(NOTE: This gets a little naval-gazingly sick in a farewell ode to booze-type way, so if you’re just beginning your sober journey, then I would not continue reading this, because WARNING… I talk about booze a little longingly and sadly.)
On the plus-side, I am getting quite a lot done, enjoying fun adventures with my kids, and not getting too stressed out about anything in the ‘to-do’ category. A nice change of pace in general. Especially since I have stopped rewarding myself for doing these regular tasks. … Well, okay. You caught me. I am rewarding myself BigTime with shoes. … A little extravagant, I will admit. Especially because I have my eyes on two more pairs …. Must. Stop. And I will. I think some of it is the excitement and newness of being a SoberChick, and the other aspect is that summer-fun-time feeling of having a fresh beginning and sunshine and all that jazz.
On the negative side, the spinning and going and happy-fun-time-feelings are really pushing me mentally in my sobriety. I keep thinking of triggers and what mine are, and avoiding them like the plague (when I can), and yeah. My head just feels like it’s swimming with the want to drink these past few days, especially. It’s making me mad at myself and a little at the world (maybe why I am a roller coaster of emotions as mentioned in my previous post?). But seriously, gah. I am just missing it, and that makes me mad and sad because I love who I am now more than ever, and I know I don’t want to drink, but this raving monster inside my bod will not listen to reason. The fucker. … Anyway, here’s what’s been on my mind off and on for the past week, or so…
HM’s Triggers include, but are not limited to the following:
- Going through a workday and making it through our door with children all in one piece
- Being at a bar with friends
- Being at a party where wine is served in plastic cups on trays for free
- Being at a theatre production where wine or beer is served at intermission
- Being at a bar for lunch, and beer and wine is on the menu
- Going to a lake and hanging out at a beach with friends, who happen to have a cooler with beer in it
- Having friends over for pizza and wine or margaritas or beer and sitting outside in the nice weather
- When the afternoon clock turns to 5 o’clock, or 5:01, or 5:02, or…
- Or, if it’s a weekend, when the kids go down for a nap and it’s Me Time
- When I’m out with the hubs for a meal and I can have Adult Time, i.e. a drink
- When I’m sad or frustrated or depressed
- When I’m happy or celebrating or feeling silly
- When I’m breathing
- When I’m cooking … I loved me some vino or a beer when I was cooking …
- When I’m at my in-laws for dinner and suggest we open a bottle for me and my MIL. She would usually get one pour, and I would get all the rest. I was embarrassed by the ratio, but also really liked it. Then, of course, I would go home and drink more.
- When it’s summer and I’ve mowed the lawn or weeded and am all sweaty … That equals one (or two) very cold beer(s)
- When it’s spring and the sun is finally coming out and I can sit on the patio and have a mojito (or three)
- When it’s winter and the red wine is just calling my name to warm my poor, chilly bones up
- When it’s so cold in winter, you can barely open your eyes outside, then that means it’s time to sip whiskey like the old timers used to do … in the old times…
- When it’s fall and that crisp chill is in the air, then it’s time for a really rich, hearty craft beer … EPAs were my fave…
- Missing that ridiculous feeling of being like the ads and commercials everywhere (which, may I just mention have multiplied in number since going sober? That, or I am very aware of how much advertising is dedicated to drinking now, whereas before it just washed over me and by me?), or at least pretending to be like the ads and commercials … happy, slim, vivacious, witty, sparkly, contagiously perfect, and one-hundred percent gorgeous in all of my awesomeness …
And then, well, there’s reality. Last night I used a glass (a tall juice-type tumbler) for my kids before tucking them in. Previously, it had been one of my not-wine-wine glasses, and my daughter recognized it as such. ‘Your wine glass!’ she exclaimed. And my stomach just clenched. ‘Mmhm,’ I said, and then struggling for what else to say because I didn’t want the moment to just disappear, I said, ‘But Mama doesn’t drink wine anymore.’ ‘Why?’ she asked. ‘Because it makes her not feel good.’ ‘Oh,’ she says like the sphinx she is… Seconds pass. … ‘I’m drinking wine!’ she says happily. My stomach clenches again, and I laugh a little and brush past it. I hopehopehope she never has to struggle with the bullshit and struggle that has taken over my life these past ten years. And unfortunately (for her), I see so much of me in her – temperament-wise. It makes me nervous. Well, fuck. Everything makes me nervous, but especially this. Even the list above, yes, it is somewhat silly and sassy, but even the fact that I can categorize the way I miss alcohol makes me pity myself a little. And feel pathetic. And a little hopeless.
I know I’m not. I know I’m doing something about it, but it still sucks. And today I wish I was like ‘everyone else.’ (In quotes because such a thing does not actually exist.) And I wish I had it easy. And I wish it wasn’t uncomfortable or difficult or hard. And I wish I didn’t have to miss it, or even know what it feels like to miss it, or even better, to be aware of it – of alcohol. Stupid fucking monster.
Day 26.5, the roller coaster is picking up speed on its way down…
p.s. Off to be a glamorous, nothing-is-bothering-me, my world is amazing, director of theatre…. Definitely faking it ’til I make it…