A *** Monster Roller Coaster Ride
Hello & Good Morning.
The true title of this post is: ‘A Mother-Fuckin’ Monster Roller Coaster Ride,’ because? That is the way I am feeling right now. SO happy and SO with it and SO awesome at Life and then SO cranky and SO angry and SO volatile (especially with my babes)… What it really is is SO fucking frustrating. Gah.
I have to admit I’m doing a little more than just sobriety at the moment, as I am also seeing a shrink for the first time in ten years, and trying to come up with a med regimen to help balance my moods (Quick info: I’m bipolar and have suffered from some major depression these past 3-4 years… But I’m also an alcoholic, so trying to figure out which symptoms are representative of which condition… = A pain in my ass). So, yes. Back to the meds. I just upped my dosage two nights ago and it’s knocking me out much longer in the morning. I’ve snoozed past my alarm (i.e. slept an extra 2 hours both days), and yesterday, ended up scrapping my run, and today, ended up doing the run, but starting my day way-late. Added to my frustrations because by waking up late, I missed my chance to read blogs and do my ‘sober prep work’ for the day before the rest of my fam was awake. So, I have been holding onto my computer for the past hour, while my kids are trying to get my attention, which further complicates my guilt, but I am rather maniacally trying to do this whole blog-thing come hell or high water. Gah. and Grrr.
AndAnd. Talking with my therapist on Thursday, I’ve realized that my anger is still pretty bright and strong and quick to surface. Has anyone else experienced this in recovery? The nice thing is that it doesn’t last as long as it did when I was drinking, but it still shows up. Regularly. And I wish it didn’t. It makes me feel like a crappy mom and I hate that feeling. But, I also am worried about keeping up with the recovery and staying on top of it and keeping it at the forefront of my brain, because i worry if I don’t, I will think ‘I’ve got this,’ get all cocky, and then fuck it up. And I love my kids, but I also feel like they really ask me to put them before me. … That was asinine. Of course they ask me to do that. I’m their mom and they’re my kids, and they’re kids! I guess I am pretty bad/horrible/I suck at asking for my own time when I’m with them, so when I do ask for a little flexibility and a little me-time, they don’t know what that even means because I have never really done that before, and don’t do it. Ever.
Alright, on the positive end of this roller coaster, i.e. on the upside, the exercise is happening most days. (Yay C25K!) A little musho moment, the other day on a lunch date the hubs said, ‘I want you more now.’ And I thought he was starting his silly little competition thing where he says ‘I like you more,’ and I say ‘No, I like you more,’ etc. We’re nauseating. But then he clarified when I tried to respond in the usual way, and he said, ‘No. I like you more Now (that you’re not drinking), because you are more You.’ Gah. This man. I tell ya. He is amazing and sweet. And good and kind. I’m so lucky that he can see the changes in me and that he appreciates them and me (so much!).
The other nice thing was that the hubs stole the kids from me yesterday and made me stay home. He was missing them since I’ve been spending so much time with them during my summer break, so he got some 2-on-1 time himself, while I gardened! Ahhhhhhh! (Those are angels singing, bt-dubs.) It was heavenly (thus the angels). I stood outside and worked my ass off (and pulled some muscles), and it was wonderful. In fact, planning to go out in about five minutes to do the same thing today while the babes play in the yard and run through the sprinkler. Okay, I’m glad I waited to talk about the positives ’til the end. Outlook = Better. Thanks, blogopolitans.*
Day 26, wheeeeeeeee!