Thank you for reading my flaming, inextinguishable tirade yesterday. Things balanced out… … … Eventually. *smile* And just so you can picture it, I wrote that post with everything happening around me in that very moment. My fingers were flying, my breath was held, my kids were yelling (so was the hubs), and everything was in full-comotion mode, while I zoned in on my screen and reached through the ethernet to You. Thank you for being here. Your words, and levity brought back my sense of humor, and eased much of my distress, if not my physical discomfort. Danke.*
And, so. Here I sit. More than halfway through my doubled-double digits day. Wowza. My discomfort is not completely gone. My body still has a mind of its own (somewhere… in a parallel universe or due to a chemical spill of some kind, I have a second head (which probably has super powers all its own)), and I am feeling better-ish. A headache is growing in magnitude, so that is not ideal, but it’s better than wanting to jump out of my skin.
And, yes. This past week with being so busy, and the weekend is no exception, I have begun to ask myself why it is I am committing to this sobriety path, as it is not all rosebuds and butterflies. In fact, based on some pretty prime evidence from yesterday, it can really suck the big one, if I’m being honest about it. So, why am I here? Writing this SoberBlog and riding my RadioFlyer into the great, wide beyond (i.e. into tomorrow, then rinse and repeat)?
Even though I have missed a celebration here and there with friends, and even though I would have loved to have celebrated the opening of our show last night with a
glass bottle of wine, and even though I am to that hazy moment of recovery when it feels like ‘I’ve got this figured out. I’m fine. I’m not an alcoholic. Look at me! I’ve come this far and I’m fine,’ and those thoughts make me think about the stupid M-word more often than not….
The thing I am most grateful for in the past twenty days, and my main, numero uno reason for holding onto sobriety one more day is because when I am sober, I am not ashamed of myself, my actions, or my thoughts. I am complete – messy bits and all, but there is nothing in those bits that I need to hide or keep secret from anyone. I wake-up in the morning unembarrassed of my own actions and choices the night before. I am not furtive with my husband or mother-in-law trying to plan trips to pick-up wine or beer. I am not pushing down my drunken frustrations with my children. I am not proving to myself again, and again that I am a good person in spite of myself. Every day.
Every time I had a night of ‘relaxation,’ those were the hoops I would jump through that night and the next day. And so far, the alleviation alone of all these things is enough to keep me sober for one more day. Yes, I am tempted by moderation. Yes, I would love to be normal and able to drink without
worrying thinking about it like so many of my normal friends. But the fact that I can’t think about alcohol in the same way as they do, I know moderation is not for me today.
Oh, and in terms of rewards? I bought my Day 30 present a little early (shoes!), so I have to stay on track. (Another added incentive?) Hee.
Day 20, this rain feels healing… And I feel like I am healing, too…