I love my husband.
My therapist is awesome (hi).
The Talk (referred to yesterday here) was fantastic, incredible, much-needed, relaxing, supportive, honest, heartfelt, sincere, thoughtful, scary-in-a-good-way, kind, gentle, funny, loving, truth-telling, checking-in, goal-oriented, careful-listening, hand-holding, tea-drinking, sobriety-centered-Awesomeness.
Seriously. You guys should try this. It’s delicious.
I shared a ton with the hubs about where I’ve been with my addiction these past 5-10 years. Was very honest about how much I’ve been hiding it from him. Got to ask him if he noticed my drinking habit and if he just wasn’t saying anything, and he said, ‘Well, you’ve been hiding it.’ Touché, sir.
We talked about his non-addictive brain versus my addictive brain, and the fact that we both don’t quite understand how the other one works. Thought that was helpful as an idea, because it put us on separate planets looking at each other… Not Venus & Mars. I’m thinking more like the Little Prince and all of the different planets and people he encounters.
I admitted that at times in the past, I really wanted the hubs to notice and to say something so that I wouldn’t have to make the choice or see and own the problem myself first. (Is it weird to say I sometimes dreamed about an intervention so that I wouldn’t have to do the work myself? Weirdo.) And, again, he was great, because he just laughed and said he definitely could not do that because I would get all bent out of shape the way I do anytime he tries to teach me or tell me something (remnants of childhood daughter-dad relationship). So again, touché, sir.
He was just so gentle and receptive, as he always is, if I give him the credit he deserves. (I married him because he is Kind (and he loves his mother)). He said he just needed time to catch-up as I have been keeping this journey so secret from him, because I’ve been wary of it and quite ashamed of it as well, and that seemed like a deal I could keep. It’s been 2-5 years in the making, and when I consider it’s almost all been in my head, except for one AA meeting all of a sudden 3 years ago (My Approach: Rip off the bandage and go Right Then), I understand his mild confusion at all this.
My requests were: 1. Check-in maybe weekly and give me a little knock on my shoulder and say, ‘Good job, pal.’ (Which he then did immediately.) 2. Celebrate milestones. 30 days is my first one I’d like to dance-party away with him. 3. Get out and get busy doing things… Festivals, fairs, events out and about the city, carnivals with the kids, etc. Especially on the weekends. I want to remember that I love living and doing and being. And I want to be with my family while I do it. I hid away from so much for far too long.
My favorite moment of the meeting was when I turned to him and asked, ‘Have you noticed anything different in the past two weeks?’ And he looks right back at me with his calico eyes and says, ‘You’re happy.’ … … … … … I am So. Lucky. To be married to someone who wants that for me, and hurts for me when I’m not happy. And who notices. And who knows. And who gets me. Wow. I just. Gah. It makes me get all weepy just thinking how beautiful that moment was. It meant and means so much to me. Lucky. I am. And loved. Wah.
So, yes. Top that amazing heart-to-heart with an equally stunning run of our theatre production last night, and I was on Cloud 9. No shoes were thrown at anyone. I did not want to light the stage on fire. Everyone was focused and strong and playful and fun, and the story was there and gorgeous and funny and poignant. Loved it. Loved the day. Love the hubs.
Today, a little time with the babes, more sewing projects this afternoon, and then a final dress before we open tomorrow.
Day 18 started with a little too much coffee… Can you tell?