A Zen-ish Update.
Yesterday, I was SO Zen. (I think I just contradicted myself by putting so much emphasis on ME and negated the whole sentence, but I hope you know what I mean.) I was so at peace. I was the boss of peace. I owned peace and then passed peace out to people passing by. (Alliteration!)
You get the picture.
After posting the day before (see here), I suddenly went with the flow in all things. During the day, I had a crap-ton to get done for the theatre production opening this weekend, and in the midst of my errands and goings-on, I called the hubs to check-in. And then? The Coolest. Thing. Happened. … I said exactly what I was feeling. I told him I was sad that we were having so much trouble trying to work with one another in this capacity (director-actor). I said I was hurt because he was the kindest person I know, and I found him not being kind or even civil to me in rehearsals. I said the empathy I admire in him so much everywhere else in our lives was something I didn’t see him using with me, and that hurt. … And do you know? I said it without apologizing for saying so. I wasn’t super-emotional, by which I mean these words weren’t fueled by emotion. I was speaking my true feelings and being honest and owning them.
Even in the moment, saying them aloud felt so liberating. Saying them and owning them felt so Whole. I felt so whole.
The other cool thing was that I wasn’t looking to fix anything or to get answers. I had been treating him with kid gloves (as his director and somewhat as his wife), and I finally was honest with where I was in the whole thing. He was at work (not great timing on my part), and so when we hung-up, I put the problem down and continued with my day. It was so cool/odd/peculiar, but even though there was/is this unease in one aspect of our relationship, for the rest of the afternoon, I felt so close to him. And so safe. And so in love. I text him and told him so, and he wrote back and said the same. That was kind of cool.
Then, that night, he was awesome. He was a little conciliatory, but really, on a regular day, he would have been just as kind. He helped me with a much-needed project at rehearsal, and then my favorite part? As everyone else was floundering in the rehearsal, suddenly he just soared in his character and made a zillion discoveries. Loved it. The whole night. It felt like a long-awaited present. … Like Christmas.
That put me in such a good place that yesterday I just coasted. With the kids, with the housework, with more sewing projects for the show. …. Everything was just enjoyable. The way of the world, of course, is that rehearsal drove me crazy last night and I wanted to throw my shoe at everyone on the stage, but really? I think it means we just need an audience. I’m ready to hand this one off to performances. That’s a good feeling, too.
… … …
In the works today is an appointment with my therapist (hi, again). It’s a big deal as I’ve invited the hubs to join me so that we can talk about sobriety and my/our history and where I am now and where we will go. I’m excited and nervous, and really trying hard not to plan how it will go. That’s hard. But I’m also very hopeful and happy to have a chance to talk with him in a more structured way as I have hidden away or pretended to not see this problem for so long. Just writing that makes me hold my breath.
… … …
Last thing. One of my show errands was to The Red Ball Store (get it?), and even though I didn’t need anything in the women’s clothing department, I was magnetized to the clearance racks. Damn racks. At any rate, I found two pairs of cute, billowy, summery, print pants, and I just bought them because. They were my little gift for hitting 2 weeks. I love rewards. And they felt so guiltless because of all the money I’ve been saving not wheezin’ the juice. (Anyone? 90s reference? Anyone?)
Alright, I’m going to close this smorgasbord. I hope you all have a great, grand ol’ day.*
Day 17, or as my children say… Day Eleventeen. Zen it up.