Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

Double Digits.

10.

Wow.

This felt like such a long time in the making! Was it all of my new free time? Was it because I was thinking about it so much? Yes and Yes.

About 5 or 6 weeks ago, out of the blue, I just stopped drinking. For 9 days. Every day I would check-in with myself and wonder, ‘Should I have a drink tonight? Should I skip it?’ And for whatever reason, I was completely casual about the whole thing and just… eh. Didn’t drink. It was the first time I’d strung together any sober days in almost 2 years. I think the ‘longest’ I’d ever gone was one day, and even on that one day, I would be hankering and planning for the next day to get here so that the liquor store would be open, or so that I could be home and in my routine because an evening at home always = drinking.

Reading sober blogs from so many others, I keep thinking of that Day 1, and the pain of repeating it over a series of months or years. During my early am jog this morning (even I hate me for saying that), listening to The Bubble Hour, I heard that story again by several women on the show. I never really thought that I had a Day 1 besides that one flukey bit of time I just mentioned above, but then BAM!POW! (It hit me.) I had a millionzillionbajillion Day 1’s – I just didn’t recognize them for what they were. Over the past three or four years, I had countless (i.e. millionzillionbajillion) mornings when I would wake-up and swear ‘I’m not doing that again!’ or ‘This has got to stop!’ or ‘Wow, that was maybe too much. I’m definitely stopping today.’ …. And like the unwitting asshole that I am/was, by evening, I would be bargaining with myself and convincing myself that actually, today was a day worthy of a glass (or 5) of wine, or that it was always more fun to cook and have a beer at the end of a long, hard day at work. I deserved it.

Seriously. SO many Day 1’s.

But the booze was always louder. And more convincing. And kind of cute, which made me feel cute, which by drinking the alcohol made me (ironically) look less-cute, then during the day I would feel self-conscious and bad about myself – both because the alcohol made me sluggish and bloated and hungover, and then after slogging through another day as WonderWomanExtraordinaire, by the evening I would want to forget about… well, Everything – including the crap-crap-crappy self-image I had begun to perpetuate for myself and the way I felt about myself inside, and that is when I would grab for a bottle. And thus the cycle continues.

I am well-aware this is probably the Pink Cloud talking right now, but really. Poor Me. … The image of the snake eating its tail is what comes to mind for me – a self-defeating monster.

But? Now here I am. Day 10. Huh-zah to that.

A few small observations from the last two days….

My son helped with putting the garbage/recycles out last night. When I dumped what was in the house into the larger container outside, there were no glass sounds clinking against one another. Not one. That. Was so cool.

And similar, when I emptied the dishwasher last night, the top rack was completely wine-glass- and my-glass-of-choice-for-drinking-covertly-FREE. I realized (lots of realizations are a-happenin’ lately) how often I’ve jumped to unload the dishwasher so that the hubs doesn’t see how many nights (Truth: All of the nights) I was drinking. ShameFree moment of housework! Oh, yeah! (Cue Kool-Aid Man.)

Alright, lastly. I have to say ‘Thank You’ to those of you who have reached out in the past few days. I am grateful for having eyes looking and seeing me honestly for who I am and what I am striving to do here. I am not ready to tell the Big Wide World just yet, but having this world so close to me and to treat me so gently and compassionately, it truly is a gift – You all are truly gifts. Thank you.*

Day 10. Not a perfect 10, but that suits me just fine.

Advertisements

Single Post Navigation

14 thoughts on “Double Digits.

  1. Day 10 😀 wow, and well done. I’m only on day 5. So far so good, but I’m not living life in my usual routine so wonder if I’ll be able to keep it up once I return to normally life – I’m off work recovering from a broken ankle.

    Sunday I just decided I wanted something better than how i was feeling as I sat outside a cafe bar having a second cup of tea trying to focus on what my partner was saying. For once it wasn’t even a day 1 sort of day, although by Monday evening I realised that, actually I was onto day 2. Been at day 2 so many times but this felt different and for some reason I googled about living without alcohol, omg I had no idea there were others out there feeling like I do. Being off work has given me the opportunity to binge read.

    Keep it up and I will be following your journey from here on.

    Like

  2. I am so happy for you and so WITH you in the moment of right now. I’m a teacher and similarly on summer break, so this is a little out of my ordinary as well. The positive side of this is that we both get to ‘indulge’ in these first steps. I know I can’t stop reading blogs and listening to stories of other women like me. I have immersed myself in this world for the past days because it helps tether me to something real and to real people (when all these years the idea of ‘alcoholic’ has been so abstract), and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity during my ‘normal’ days. Maybe this is just the gift of time we both needed to really help us dive in deep and embrace this shift.

    Like

  3. Hello! 10 days is great. Ten! TEN! Happy to ‘meet’ you on this journey.

    Like

  4. And you! Thanks, Bea.* Love your post from today – what beautiful inspiration from the Steiner school of thinking. Insightful connections to sobriety and relearning how ‘to be.’

    Like

  5. now, firstly, on a point of blog etiquette – how would you like to be addressed? as TallWoman? HM? Monster?! let me know 🙂

    I had gazillions of halfassed day 1’s, too. 10 days is completely splendiferous and a different animal ENTIRELY. keep going, you are doing so well!

    Like

  6. Prim, thank you so much – and I know, right? About the Day 1’s? Did not put two and two together (or just one and one) for the longest time. Crazytown.
    As for name, I kind of like the idea of just being called Monster or HM. …For now. *smile* Thank you for asking.

    Like

  7. Day 10! Double digits is fantastic! You are building some serious momentum. Interesting what you said about the negative self-image you were building. That has me pondering how much of my negative self-image was caused by the booze. I have begun the hard work of dismantling it. Which I never could have done while I was drinking. And actually, I wasn’t even consciously aware that’s what I’ve been doing until your post got me thinking about it. Anyway, back to you! Congrats on Day 10. Cheering for you!

    Ella

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ella, yes, hello! Happy to ‘see’ you. *smile* I have to admit, as the days go by (some creeping, some cruising), I find that the negative shell is a bit thicker than I first thought. Still trying and learning how to break out of it, or at least widen the cracks, but those first few days of euphoria are settling down and Reality is a little more ordinary… I will say, however, on the whole? OrdinaryMe is much more fun and intriguing than DrunkMe.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow, that’s a really big deal. Great job on 10 years.

    Like

  10. Oh, nononono…. Only days at this point, Victoria! Ha. I look forward to the ‘years’ achievement, though. Thanks for finding me!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I find the ordinary challenging, too. I have to keep reminding myself I feel better. And better, is better. So here’s to Ordinary!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Cheers! I will (not) drink to that!

    Like

  13. I have not forgotten how hard it is to get days. There was a time I struggled very hard to get one day. I rarely made it to 2 o’clock. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Thanks for saying so. Today is not so easy either.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: