It is, truly, a day full of sun. Much needed.
Woke-up this morning in a better frame of mind than yesterday to be sure. Went for a jog, which also felt very good. (Wondering if no exercise affected me so much yesterday? I thought it was potentially meds, but it definitely could have been the meds combined with no exercise. However, took the day off on purpose because I don’t want to become obsessive about exercise, because that’s happened before, too. Told the hubs and he smirked and said, ‘Well, if you’re choosing between obsessing between exercise and obsessing between beer…?’ His question hung in the air. Dammit. He’s right.) Anyway! Yes. Run felt good. Slowly building up to a 5K, which I’m excited for. I really should look at runs in the area and sign-up so that I have a deadline. Hopefully I can stick with it. I am liking it more than I thought I would. I’ve always been a swimmer, a dancer, a golfer…. Not really the runner-type. But maybe I could be? Hm.
Then, got the fam together and we headed down to the river dam for a big walk in said beautiful sunshine. The babes were adorable and sweet, and only lasted about 20 minutes before the hubs and I each had to carry one back to an air-conditioned place to get a drink and cool down. Still, it was so nice to be with them and to be present in the space and present to them and to their thoughts (and not in some Sunday-hangover fog where I pretend as hard as I can that I’m totally and completely fine). We stopped for Izzy’s ice cream (yuuuum!), and are now back home for lunch and naps.
On our way home, we drove through downtown to show the kids the ‘big buildings!’ and the hubs remembered a soccer match that was playing this afternoon. He asked if we might have lunch out at a pub and watch the game with the kids in tow, and my first reaction was, ‘Uh…’ He got a little reflexive-defensive and said, ‘What?’ I didn’t want to tell him, but I did. I was worried I would be too tempted not to have the golden, delicious craft beer on tap like days of old. As soon as I told him I was nervous, I felt okay about the idea, just as he was saying we didn’t have to go. So I coaxed him back into the idea feeling like I could handle the situation, and then… He found out the game was almost over and not worth the parking and getting settled, etc., so we went home.
It was an odd moment for me. Spending time downtown was already making me remember all those times in my 20s when I would seek out adventure and alcohol ‘like the grownups’ did. I always wanted to be older than I was growing up, well, until now. Now I wish I could jump backwards in time and do it all again and not waste so much energy on getting buzzed or getting drunk, all under the guise of ‘being an adult.’ So, yes. There I was having family adventure in a place so closely related to my drinking escapades, but I felt relatively safe because it was daytime, the sun was shining, everyone was in a good mood, and we were just having fun. Then, when the pub was brought up, I just screeched to a mental halt. Maybe because I didn’t have any forewarning or preparation time? Maybe because I am avoiding situations where I will be tempted and am not ready for a nose-to-nose challenge just yet? Maybe because I still, on more than one level, miss drinking and the carefree way I felt, or anticipated feeling when I would drink? Maybe, if I’m honest with myself, it is all of the above.
Now, on returning home, I’ve gone and checked out a few more sober blogs hoping to connect and find people who are living similar stories…. I’ve just read 3 potential, but they each drop off at a point which indicates they most likely all returned to alcohol. Suddenly, the sun is not shining so brightly. I’m not down-down, but in reflecting on these what-might-have-been inspiring blogs, I am worried about my own sobriety and journey of sobriety. And with the pub-problem thrown in to complicate things in my head today, I realize I need more resources and more back-up for when times are challenging. Any recommendations are always welcome.
Day 6, have at me!